WorkingMummy

Dear All. I am very overdue with my thrid child (currently 41+4). I have been having strong Braxton Hicks for weeks/months. Last Friday I had a "show" but labour did not start over the weekend. On Monday (at 41 weeks) my midwives attempted a sweep, but I was too closed and they couldn't do it. All day Tuesday I had typical latent, mildly painful early contractions, which were just about strong enough during Tuesday night to keep me awake for most of the night. But then they stopped by morning. Yesterday (Wednesday, 41+3) my midwife tried another sweep and found that I was 2 cm dilated, nice and soft. She was able to sweep me very thoroughly, and touch baby's head, without it hurting at all. (I also went to the hospital later for 41+3 scan to check the baby and the planceta: everything looks good and healthy so no worries there.) But since then, not much! Last night, I had a few, weak, latent type contractions, which I hope will have progressed me further. But overall this is taking FOREVER! With my first and second children, I had lovely, "normal" deliveries, at home. And I really do not want to land up in hopsital with any kind of intervention. But time is ticking and I am beginning to think my body is never going to do it!!!! Does anyone have any similar experience/encouragement?

Many thanks.

Is anyone currently under the care of the Brierly midwifery (home birth) team? Do you have a main telephone number for them? I called them at the Dulwich Hospital today but found that they have moved. WM.

Best advice I ever received from a paediatrician: there are only 3 "bad" types of poop in an infant. White poop, (possibly indicating that baby is not producing bile and not digesting anything), red poop (indicating fresh blood/bleeding in the lower bowel), and truly, pitch black tar-like poop (possibly indicating bleeding higher up, perhaps in stomach). Every other shade of green, yellow, brown and beige, runny, seedy, lumpy, smelly, is all totally, totally normal. I have very much needed this advice because I have a natural tendency to "read" nappies like a mystic reading tea leaves. And my anxiety levels have been tested by EVERY type of poop over the years. My eldest has even had to see the doctor with (at different times) bouts of absolutely white and absolutely black poop. Even then, she was completely well, nothing wrong with her at all. Just a mysterious, short lived little hiccup of some kind with her quickly growing insides. Babies' insides change every single day. The environment they are in, the germs they breath/ingest, change every day. Their guts are not going to produce regular poopies of the same consistency, colour and smell every day. You are breastfeeding, which is great for your baby. Just keep it up, and try to focus on reliable indicators of health - like is your baby developing well and gaining weight bit by bit, at his/her own pace. Don't read nappies, ever, is my advice. Just chuck 'em in the bin.

Reneet, your life sounds a lot like mine (even down to the cooking bit) except I now have the second baby (5.5 months old) and my particulary busy patch at work came just before my last trimester and lasted till the day before the birth. You are not alone. I felt just like you did. And less than a year later I am already trying to talk hubby into going in for round 3. So I promise you it does get better!!!!! The first 16-20 weeks of most pregnancies really, really SUCK. Things will get better as you get past the pathological exhaustion stage. And as others have said, being pregnant with a toddler is also very, very hard. And not just for mothers who work outside the home. I imagine that being in the home all day could be even harder than what we have. During my second pregnancy, whenever it was difficult at work, I reminded myself what I would/might be doing if I was at home with a toddler and my feet were swelling up. No matter how demanding each of my clients is, they all generally let me go to the loo by myself! One thing that sounds particularly hard for you is the childcare run. I never had that to deal with as we always took the nanny route, so our childcare comes to me. But there are upsides and downsides to everything. A nursery won't serve notice on you when you are just about to give birth with number 2, as my last nanny did! (I had only a tiny amount of maternity leave before returning to work with an expressing machine.) The truth is that HOWEVER you cut it, no matter whether you work/he works/you both work, you have a nanny/childminder/day care, pregancy is hard work, toddlers are hard work and being a mum is basically hard work. I cope by just snatching those moments of joy and magic whenever they come by, accepting the exhaustion for now, giving into an element of chaos and remembering that it will get much, much easier as time goes on.

We have a 2.5 year old girl. She's lovely but let's just say I now know that when people talk about "terrible-2s" they are not making stuff up. I am always very careful to let my daughter know that I get it. "You're angry, that's fine. I'm not changing my mind, but I do understand that you're angry." But apart from that, my husband and I don't really have any fixed techniques. It all depends on what else is going on and where we are. Sometimes, however, the screaming, kicking, biting etc is so bad, that all I can do is put her into her cot-bed (where she is safe) and leave her to it. I've heard/read of people cuddling their toddlers through these moments, to help them calm down, but with my LO this really isn't an option. If she wants a cuddle (even in a tantrum) she'll say, and she'll get one. If she doesn't, she just get's more furious that she is being held against her will. What I want advice about is: should I leave the room? When her rage is as bad as I have just described, I always do. It seems pointless to sit and give an audience to the monster of emotion that is consuming her. I can't hold her, and she can't listen. It would never occur to me to stick around to watch. The only reason I ask is that I just did a google search on temper tantrums (wanting to hear again what I already know - that this is normal and she will outgrow it). I turned up lots of stuff about how the prevailing emotion during a tantrum is fear (of their own inner monster/lack of self control apparently) and that while it's ok to put them in a cot/pen while it lasts, you should stay nearby because this will help them know YOU are not afraid by what's going on, can deal with it and still accept them. I must confess I've never tried this. Truth is I CAN'T always deal with it when she goes completely nuts. But I guess I just assumed I was doing what was best and would really appreciate some other perspectives. (Unless the tantrum coincides with a nap time, and she knows it, I always go back after a few minutes, and if she is receptive to me at any point, I will stay. Unless she is resisting sleep, I don't leave her to cry alone indefinitely!) WM

There are some full time nannies who have their own children of school age. They would absolutely love a job that let them have their holidays with their own children. However, you would need to come to a special arrangement about holiday pay. I can imagine that a really good, experienced nanny (which is what you want) will not want to earn very much less than she would from a more full time role. You may have to pay her for a good slice of the time she has off. But you never know. Try websites that allow you to post a very personal add, and give a really good description of what you want. There's a good site called "findababysitter.com" that I've had a lot of luck with. The alternative would be to go for a series of temp. posts during the terms. But that won't be much fun. OR you could try checking in with a New Zealand or Australian nanny agency. Lots of women in their early 20s come over from Aus/NZ on a special type of working holiday visa. Their real aim is to travel lots in Europe - so they want long holidays - but they are more than happy to do child care to fund their trips. In NZ and Aus you need a licence to be any kind of child carer and the training is pretty rigorous. A Kiwi/Aussie who wanted to travel would probably also accept most of the holidays as unpaid too. This could work really well as a live-in arrangement, which always saves the nanny loads of money, and allows her to use your home as a convenient base for travels. (Live-in nannies also expect to earn 15-20% less per hour too, which helps you too.) Hope this helps. WM

I agree with those who have said that it needs to become more acceptable for guys to take career breaks, go part time, leave work early for kids' stuff. And I agree with Saila that money doesn't come into it. I earn many times what my husband earns in his employment. And he earns less than what we pay in child care. But there is absolutely no way he would quit his job. That's fine. He helps loads around the house, no complaints there. But what bugs me is that whenever something comes up at home or with the kids that needs one of us to be on site, the assumption is that I'll be the one who'll do it. I can usually get him to do it when I absolutely need him to, but it always takes a lot of nagging and sometimes outright threats. The default position is me. My husband always says that in his industry he would get zero support and understanding about child-related absences. I think it affects my job just as much as it would his, and my job is frankly more valuable to our family than his is. Sorry to be completely hard-line feminist about this, but in my view, the flak/bullying/hard time men get if they take on a bigger share of the burden may seem like a problem directed at them, but in reality it is just another way of our society keeping women in their traditional place and protecting the historic, patriarchal norm. Women in the family can have a career too, just as long as they do it on top of everything else. WMxx PS I get a lot of joy from caring for my family. Cooking for my kids, breast feeding my babies, the best bits of life.

I cannot imagine how co-sleeping could possibly harm a child? We slept with our first from the get-go (although that was not the plan). After about one week, I started to freak that I was making my baby too dependent on me for this and that. My very sensible husband shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well she is dependent on you!" We moved her out of our bed part time when she was 3 months old, but frequently had her back. Her bed did not become the norm until she was 21 months. At that point, I did do controlled crying - only because I was about to give birth and expected to have a new born in bed too. It took 4 days too get our first going down nicely alone without trouble. So boo sucks to all those books that say if you don't teach a child to sleep alone before X months, then you'll never manage it. Controlled cying techniques are easier when the child is old enough to hear you explain what is going to happen. Now that our second is 5 months old, I regularly have both in bed at once. No 1 only comes in when she is poorly, though. This does mean that my husband gets booted out to the spare bed, but he doesn't mind. He gets a good night's sleep. Our LOs are LOs for such a short time. If they need you at night, they need you at night. What are we here for, other than to meet their needs?