Nicolamb

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Brockley Central is also taking part http://brockleycentral.blogspot.com/2010/03/is-brockley-networked-neighbourhood.html

I'm stepmum to an 8 year old boy and my husband and I also have 2 young children together. Even though I've been in my stepson's life since he was 2, I've never found it easy being a stepmum - just as my husband doesn't find it as easy being parent to a child he doesn't live with on a daily basis. In fact, it's been a lot harder than I ever anticipated at the start - I'd always been good with children, worked quite a lot with children in my job as TV producer, I even made a documentary about a teenager's fractious relationship with her stepfather. So I felt I knew all the theory, but nothing prepared me for the reality. I can relate to your comment about the long-weekends that seem impossible to endure - I found it hard to understand why I was taking everything so personally. Obviously it's because it really matters: we want to do right by our husbands; the step-children who's lives we play a signficant part in and there are also the negative associations with step-parents that we're desperate not to prove right. Although my stepchild's considerably younger than your two and too young to rebel in a teenage way, there are some similarities with your situation. We went through a stage of at least 2 years where he would hardly talk to me whenever he spent time with us; mostly ignoring any questions I asked him and if he did have to ask me something, he mostly asked through his dad. I couldn't even dream of disciplining him, because I was scared how he'd react. With his dad and his younger brother however, he was always very lively and I found it all quite isolating. My answer was to leave them to it whenever I could, encouraging them to spend more and more quality time alone and removing myself to other rooms of the house. This, unsurprisingly, didn't solve anything. It made me feel even more of an outsider, didn't give my husband the support he needed and most importantly, didn't allow me the bonding time I needed with my stepson. Things are much better now, although I still have to put the work in, partly because he's starting to outgrow his shyness of a few years ago but also because I put conscious efforts into bonding with him - whether it's bribing him into going to the shops with me to buy sweets so I have the opportunity for a one-to-one chat, or making cakes together or making him a cocktail I invented and named after him - they're all small things but they really do count. Obviously bonding with teenagers is a bit different, but at least they're girls so hopefully there are girly things they can relate to you about. In my experience, teenagers just wanted to be spoken to as adults and like you, treated with respect - at least as a parent it might be easier for you to have a frank one-to-one chat with each of them. Chances are one of them will give you a break at some point. Personally, I'd focus on some serious relationship-building/family time together so you can create some positive experiences... when you've got a functioning relationship any disciplining that does need doing won't be such a stressful thing.

There's another Creative Mum's Network meeting arranged for this Wednesday 23rd September, 8pm at Jam Circus, 330 Brockley Rd, SE4. All mums/mums to be working/involved in creative industries welcome. Please message me if you'd like more details. Nicola

Summed up exactly how I feel actually. Except would have been nice to hear a bit of love for the garden centre too. Brockley had changed a lot, when I went there a couple of weeks ago.