jackangel

What's BBW?

Thanks Otta. Nice post. Difference is more subtle than we were led to believe.

Family Sunday lunch. You know what it's like. Can anyone help settle the argument: what are the differences between a "yummy mummy" and a "tart"?

Once a fortnight or so it is my habit to ninja my way across The Rye or The Green avoiding the poo whilst eating a post-chic Mister Whippy. It keeps me fit. As the weather turns warmer at this time of year, the shouty men appear. They yell at people telling them to do things like "run to that tree and back, while I shout" or "fall down and get up again, while I shout" or "lift this thing and put it over there, while I shout" or "punch my hands, while I shout", and so on. This seemed to me to be great fun. But imagine my amazement when I discovered that the shouty man gets paid as well! It shouldn't be surprising. History is littered with stories of even quite famous people having a penchant for buying physical, verbal and emotional domination and humiliation - but not usually in public. Mostly they were men; but not now it seems. The (quieter) Sweeny version: "Run to the parked lorry". "Duck down so the driver don't see you". "Lift the stuff off the back of that lorry and put it in our van". "Punch the geezer's lights out if he tries anything". So playing in the park can have real vocational application.

Three small children playing in a derelict garden brought grid lock to a part of South London last week. Emergency services responded in force when the children reported that they had discovered a suspected plastic bag. Police cordoned off the garden, in leafy East Dulwich, until the arrival of the army's Bag Disposal Unit. The BDU finally dealt with the device by means of a controlled exhalation.

Help! There's an outbreak of smugness on Goose Green! You have to live with smugness round here - but must they gather and use an amplifier on the once peaceful open space? Where are the water cannon when they're really needed? What are the anti-smug protester thugs doing right now? One must live and let live, I suppose - so if those involved would post their names and addresses, I'll pop round with my Blue Beat blaster to return the philosophy.

Nice post, Jah Lush.

You a tea or coffee person? Leg or breast? Sparkling or still? Bus or train? Meat or veggie? Beer or wine? Shoes or trainers? Radio 4 or LBC? Pyjamas or naked? eh? eh? You a Sainsbury?s or a Waitrose person? Curry or Chinese? Labour or Tory? Tory or Lib Dem? Lib Dem or Green? Sausage and mash or steak and chips? Times or Guardian? Dog or cat? Bubble or squeak? eh? eh? You a bleeding great box of binary pigeon holes? eh? eh?

Sir, I would like to protest in the strongest possible terms about the latest government initiative. Despite the fact that cyclists cause far more terror and injury than dogs, it is preposterous that we should be chipped and forced to have compulsory third party insurance. Southwark Council is just as bad with their proposal to bring back the fence on Goose Green in order to provide cyclists with an exercise area away from non-cycling people. This is quite ridiculous, especially considering that they have recently renewed the cycle path across the Green. It is we cyclists who will save the planet; save the species. When I cycle along the pavements with my children, I am teaching them road skills for the future. NCPs may call us arrogant, aggressive, selfish and dangerous ? but who else will be trained and ready to out-white-van the white van drivers in the next generation? Sincerely, jackangel (Ms)

(Yes, that IS us in the picture on the front of the card!) Where has the time gone? What a year! After leaving the bank for ethical reasons earlier in the year, Tony has been headhunted several times ? but he prefers to remain freelance. If there are any odd jobs you need done, do get in touch. Dan is doing brilliantly at school and, of course, has Oxbridge in his sights. The Meeja belong to a tribe of nomads, so Dan tells me, and he has become quite a specialist in their study. In fact, Meeja Studies occupies most of his timetable. Sue has turned out so pretty, popular and clever. The jobs she had in those few days were just not fulfilling and she is now doing arts, I think, with a nice bunch of people in a squad, or something. She must be very successful because she always has lots of money whenever I see her. Little Jemmy is outstandingly bright (that?s a scan of her drawing enclosed for your fridge ? it?s Santa). We have discovered that she has dyslexia - but I?m afraid the teachers are useless. They didn?t seem know what we were talking about at the exclusion meeting last week. And me? I?m keeping the whole ship together as well as doing my bit for the environment. I organise nighttime vigils in a quiet spot at the end of our lovely garden. It?s open to everyone, but it?s usually just me and a bottle or two of something to keep warm. What have you been up to?

1st man: We just bought a house in the road near the new school in East Dulwich. 2nd man: Friern? 1st man: No. It cost an arm and a leg.

A couple of weeks ago, our dustmen were six hours late. Despite the unnervingly static street invasion of green (Value Version) daleks, one other fact came into clear focus: Rubbish is the best Southwark department. By far. Consistently. For years! They do The Job, day in day out, rain or shine, through any clich?. At Christmas they tell you when they will be coming ? and they keep their word! Can?t stuff it in your bin? They will come and make a special collection. Lost a container? They will deliver a new one. Dog mess? Give them a ring. Got an unwanted vat of snake venom? The recycling centre will deal. No more flattening the back seat of the shooting brake and driving out to a country lane, or pouring murky substances down the neighbour?s drain under cover of darkness (unless this is a hobby). Trouble is, they make the other council departments look so inefficient, self-serving, smug, confused or plain obstructive. Could Rubbish take over running them all? Or is Rubbish just behind the times and not yet been through modern council management training? Oh dear.

-- moved topic --

(Acknowledgements to BBC TV?s ?Ello ?Ello) The theme music fades. It is well after midnight in East Dulwich. The bar is empty of customers. The occupying forces have returned to their billets after an evening?s carousing. The bar staff are clearing up. Ren? (from behind the bar): Yvette, ?ose down those ?ighchairs, zen you can give me a ?and wiz zese very sticky glasses. Come on, come on, we ?ave not got all night! Through the bar door glides Michelle. She is carrying a plastic bag, which she places on the bar. Ren?: Oh what now? Michelle: Listen very carefully, I shall say zis only once ? Ren?: ? Well? Michelle: In zis bag is ze MacDonald?s wiz ze Big Burgers. Where are ze Peckham Airmen? Ren?: I do not know and I do not care. (Sighs) Last time I looked zey were under mozzer in law?s bed. But you cannot leave zat ?ere. If I get caught wiz ? The Peckham airmen bluster through the door behind the bar. Ren?: ? Oh no! First Airman: I say, a piano! He sits and starts playing ?Pack Up Your Troubles? and the Second Airman sings along Ren?: Shhh! Zis is madness! Take your MacDonald?s wiz ze Big Burgers and go! The bar door swings open and a caped figure stands in the semi darkness. The piano playing stops, the singer chokes and everyone looks at the figure. Crabtree: Good moaning. Crabtree steps up to the bar and looks around. Ren?: Go away! Crabtree: You are having the farty? Yvette: What did he say? Ren?: I cannot understand a word. GO ? AWAY! Suddenly Otto Flick strides through the open bar door. Otto Flick: Also! Vaht have ve here? Ein plastic bag, eh? You know vaht se penalty is for sis? Michelle quickly ushers the Peckham Airmen out of the bar. Crabtree beats them to it. Yvette now decides to take a highchair outside. Ren?: ?Err Flick! ?Ow nice to s-see you. ?Ave a d-drink. Otto Flick: Do not try to bribe me! Vaht is sat odd - but strangely appealing - smell? Ren?: Oh dear ? (an idea strikes him). Ah, ?err Flick, it is an old French delicacy wiz ze fine ?and cut potatoes, er ? ze ?and reared organic steak hach?, er ? ze free range cornichons, er ? and ? zings. Otto Flick: Sings? Ren? (nodding confidentially): Zings. Otto Flick: Mmmm. Sen I am confiscating sis bag and its contents for furser examination. (He opens the bag and smells the food). Ah! I bring se General to eat tomorrow. Have more of sis traditional food for us. Ren?: Yes ?err Flick, I will arrange it. Of course (shrugging) ? it will be a little more expensive zan our usual simple fare ? Theme music

Now I think of it a second time, it was Grove Vale library. Hey Burbage! Fossick. Nice word.