What is it really like after having a baby

[samstopit]

When we brought DS home I had not slept for 3 nights in a row due to a long labour and then my need to stare at him all night once he was born to check he was breathing.

DH and I had read all the books and had been to all the NCT classes and yet we still had absolutely no idea what we were doing. DS screamed for 5 hours that first night and the next night wasn't much better. I was totally bonkers with sleep deprivation by the time he was 8 days old.

I've often thought that replacing the 2 weeks in hospital that my mum always describes (where midwives bring your baby to you when the baby needs feeding and let you totally recover before you go home) with the husband having 2 weeks' paternity leave was a bit of a rough deal.

No offence to husbands / partners intended. My DH was a legend but didn't know the first thing about newborn babies. I would have really benefited from not being sent home the day after I gave birth.

[Ann]

That's such a good point Samstopit. There has been very much in recent years a trend to very early discharge from hospital. Granted you can get more rest at home but it used to be that post natal wards actually let mothers have a rest. In older days it used to be called 'The lying-in period'. You rested , fed your baby but did little else!

That simply doesn't happen now. I would add that not that many years ago ( the dim distant 1990's ), paternity leave was pretty much unheard of, I suppose you can't have it all ways!

But heck we survive to tell the tale. To new mothers it's worth it , and then some.

[nunheadmum]

Since doing the night-nanny thing to sort sleeping problems, I really think that it would be such a good idea to get a nanny or similar in for the first few days or odd days over the first couple of weeks when everything seems new and scary. When you think of what folk spend on presents, it would be great if folk could somehow club together and pay for a few nights of help, especially with the first. Getting input from someone who knows what they're talking about would have been priceless for us, helped us to have more confidence in what we were doing and no doubt would have saved us developing a lot of the problems we did.

[samstopit]

I think you're right nunheadmum, we made sure we had some help lined up when we brought the second one home! Quite a pricey option so not for everyone. But I had no sleep deprivation in those early weeks with my second child and no baby blues at all with her. I'm sure the two are linked.

I still think the 'lying in period' sounds wonderful. I must say I didn't realise paternity leave was such a recent thing.

[mima08]

Hello,

i found this thread while nursing my 4 week old and looking desperately for some help. i thought i was prepared for what it's really like but find myself out of my depth. Although i am lucky to have a wonderful helpful partner , i find myself not coping with the sleep deprivation and am in floods of tears on regular basis. i don't have family in this country and my friends don't have children , so i can't impose on them . i saw someone mentioning a "night-nanny"? not heard this before - can someone pls explain? i have also considered to get a part time nanny/help to allow me to catch up on sleep a few times during the week - does anyone have any suggestions ? sorry for gatecrashing- any help would really be appreciated ...

[samstopit]

Hi Mima

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I will never forget the exhaustion of those early weeks and the buckets of tears I cried. It does get better but it sounds like you may need some help in the short term.

If you put 'night nanny' into the search engine for this site (top right) you will find a thread with the title night nannies where a poster called flutterby asks about how to find a night nanny. A few of the posters had names and email addresses of how to contact people who can help. Alternatively if you google night nannies you might find some local services come up. Sorry I don't know of any myself.

A night nanny is somebody who can feed (if you express breast milk into a bottle) and change your baby through the night so that you can get some sleep. It's a great idea as sleep will help you to feel better about everything.

Good luck.

S xx

[charlottep]

Hi Mima, sorry to hear that you're finding things hard. I still think it's one of the world's best kept secrets just how hard those initial weeks are for so many of us. I felt exactly the same way with my first and struggled with sleep deprivation and baby blues. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, for me the first 12 weeks were hard, but it improved significantly from 3 months on and the time passes quicker than you think.

If you can afford some help, get a nanny / mother's help for a couple of days a week or even a few half days. Daytime help will be a cheaper than night time help, but you'll need to be disciplined and do nothing more than sleep and rest between feeding. You'll start feeling a lot better after some rest.

Good luck!

[jollybaby]

Hi Mima - another option would be a postnatal doula. I felt the same as you at four weeks. I found a doula (through here) and she came 2 mornings a week from 4- 8 weeks. It was great - just being able to go and have a bath or walk up the road to the shops to clear my head. The other thing that saved my sanity was getting Mr JB to take over the evening shift - between 7.30pm and midnight. I used to go to bed at 8pm and so I knew whatever happened I would get 4 hours sleep.

Good luck xxx

ps my doula was natalie from birthbaby bliss - her username is nataliedoula. I think she may still be on maternity leave but it might be worth messaging her.

[mima08]

Dear all, thank you for your very quick and reassuring replies. I guess my energy levels are just depleted and these are giving me hope :-) I looked at the night nanny thread but i guess financially i can't make that work , however getting someone for a few days a week is an option - looking into that as well as the doula suggestion. my dp does take him in the evenings, so i get some sleep before night feeds but as he works long hours, he is starting to struggle with lack of sleep too and i am not sure how long he can cope with the pressure.....anyway, thanks again for your messages !

[KateW]

Hang in there Mima, you WILL get through it, no matter how bad it seems right now. My daughter is 4 months old now but when she was 6-7 weeks old I really went into meltdown. I had postnatal depression and it was just awful. Everyone (with very good intentions) kept telling me it would get better but that is so hard to believe when you are hormonal and sleep deprived. Just take each day as it comes, put one foot in front of the other and just survive the day. You will come out the other side smiling, I promise you.

[sillywoman]

edited cos I meant to PM it - oops!

[karter]

Got nothing to offer to this at the mo but just to say best wishes keep strong and we will be joining the club very very soon (hopefully not too sleepless and tearful though):-S

[Fuschia]

Can we do anything to help? Have you been able to get out and meet any other mums yet?

x

[mima08]

thank you fuschia! people are so nice to offer help and yes, i have been out and meeting other mums but to be honest, what i need is extra sleep . i feel like a wuss being so dependent on my sleep for sanity - especially as my baby is not particularly difficult ! but i think i need the prospect of getting some sleep on regular basis, almost like having something to look forward to, which is why imposing on friends is difficult (cannot really demand that they turn up twice weekly ...:-))

so thank you again and i'd love to hear of any get togethers, while i try to fnd some help in the meantime too.

[pommie]

i must admit i was out two days after giving birth to my daughter even tho i was in labour for 48 hours. I felt fine although a little tired but i just used to get out of the house even for a walk so i didnt go mad couped up inside

[reren]

When i had my baby i felt really unwell at first and completely wiped out. It turned out my iron levels were v low. Just thought id mention in case you are having same thing - have you had iron checked? That is not to suggest that sleep loss isnt horrendous on its own but low iron makes it even worse! Another thought: is there any chamce your partner can take the baby downstairs/ into another room for a couple of hours in the morning after a six o'clock/ seven o'clockish feed? Mine did this and it was so helpful - i found it easy to fall back asleep at that time of morning and slept much more deeply when i knew the baby was awake downstairs w his dad. I found i was sleeping v lightly at first during the night - i think maybe getting used to listening out for baby in my sleep? For me it was much more about the quality of sleep than quantity...and even 2 hours quality sleep made all the difference!

[Fuschia]

Good point re the iron. taking some spatone (very gentle) would do no harm

[mima08]

thanks for the tip- had not even occured to me to check! i've also found someone to help twice a week, so am very excited of the prospect of some sleep! thanks all for supportive msgs...x