Help - how do I stop co-sleeping?

[Lochie]

Please help! I need some advice on how to stop co-sleeping in as kind a way as possible.

My (just turned) 2 year old son joined nursery about 6 weeks ago, 2 days a week. He has settled in as well as can be expected ? frequent occasions of crying when being left after the first few weeks but that is settling now. He naps there in the afternoon for an hour or so and apparently has no problem with this. He comes home happy after each day nursery visit and chats about his day and his ?friends?.

However, since starting nursery he has a serious problem with being put to bed in his cot and sleep in general. For the last month the only way I?ve been able to get him to sleep is in our double bed. He will use ANY tactic under the sun to avoid his cot. In case he is frightened of the dark I?ve bought him a glow worm but this has only served to upset him more when the lit face goes out. I?ve started leaving the door open too so the landing light shines into his room. To be honest it seems a bit like he is playing me for a soft touch as whenever I put him in his cot and he rages, and then I go and take him out and put him in our big bed his tears dry instantly and it?s all fun and games again.

I am not averse to co-sleeping except that it is taking me til much later in the evening to settle him and is truly exhausting. Co-sleeping also means my sleep is broken in the night and that I am woken at 5am (sob). I am expecting another baby in February and am well aware that logistically it?s going to be a nightmare if I don?t get this sorted.

I have looked into controlled crying (and successfully tried this when he was much younger), however, efforts with CC in a 2 year old are almost heartbreaking to hear and very different from with a baby. I find it very hard to sit on the stairs outside his room and hear him cry in an almost animal pleading way, it goes against every best instinct and seems very wrong. Perhaps I am being too soft about it all though.

Has anyone got any advice on how to gently re-introduce a wilful toddler to their cot without too much upset? Or is it just a case of cold turkey? I?d really appreciate some advice as am desperately tired :-(

[sanity girl]

My suggestion would be to move him from a cot to a toddler bed. That way you can lie with him at bedtime and reassure him with your presence etc as he goes to sleep, and then gradually withdraw/ alter the bedtime process so that you are leaving him awake. That's what I did with my daughter when she was about two, and had previously hated her cot and mostly co-slept with me. It did take a while to sort, but having a bed that I could lie next to her in and read stories/ sing songs/ tickle her etc in readiness for sleep really helped. I also made a big fuss about getting a grown up bed with new duvet, pillow, bedding etc etc to get her excited about it, and made sure that her bedroom felt really cosy and welcoming.

I sympathise as I'm currently having the co-sleeping issues with my 14 month old (combined with still feeding at night ::o) - I'm probably going to hang on until he's big enough to move into a toddler bed - hopefully in just a few months as he's a big boy!

Hope that helps.

[alice32]

I'd suggest moving him to a bed too. My son was never a fan of his cot and would usually spend most of the night in our bed. We moved him to a bed when he was just over two and it certainly helped that we were able to lie with him as he went to sleep, having had a cosy time reading books etc. Also meant we could lie with him in the night when he woke up. He would still come into our bed occasionally - in fact, I'm sure he still would if there was room, but my one year old is in there so not much room!

[Saffron]

I second looking into the gradual withdrawal or fade type methods. Be forewarned they probably take about a month to fully initiate. I'm still co-sleeping most nights with our nearly 2-yo, so I feel your pain! We used a fade method to wean her from the night time b/f to sleep. We'll be looking to do something similar in the near future I think to get her sleeping more independently through the night. Have you also thought about getting your partner or someone else to settle your LO and go in during the night if needed? I know some people have had luck with this. xx

[alice32]

...Also, I would strongly recommend getting a normal size, single bed rather than a toddler bed. We got my boy a toddler bed and, every night, as my legs dangle over the edge of the bed and blood circulation dwindles, I regret this decision!

[fabian's ma]

Hi Lochie,

Your post struck a chord with me. My one year old has also just started nursery (about a month ago) and again seems to be settling ok so far. Still get the tears when I leave him but not when I pick him up anymore (which is one blessing!) But like you his sleep has become really disturbed. He usually naps once a day when he's there rather than twice a day when he's at home with me and he's absolutely exhausted when I get him home. He used to sleep through the night (mostly) but now has a definite aversion to his cot - arching his back when I put him down - and waking at least twice in the night. I end up giving him an extra bottle most nights in the wee hours just to get him back to sleep - which is far from ideal. Last night I ended up taking him into bed with us where he slept happily for most of the night (albeit waking at 5.30!) but I really don't want to get into this habit (much as it's nice to snuggle with him).

Is this new aversion to the cot a normal reaction to starting nursery / separation anxiety etc. (or could it be something to do with the way the nursery manages sleep times / naps etc.)? Would be interested to hear other peoples' experiences.

[sanity girl]

In my son's case his aversion to the cot was definitely connected to the advent of separation anxiety and me going back to work (which I did when he was around 8 months). He is perfectly happy when I'm at work, but I think he wants to make up for missed contact with me when I am around, especially at night! I'm just hanging on until he's big enough to go in a bed (but not mine!)...

[standswithfist]

I'm still co-sleeping for the majority of the time and my daughter is nearly 3years old. I've tried the CC but like you say it is really too upsetting. I'm trying to make her room as inviting as possible but that hasn't helped. If i'm out then hubby is able to put her in her room no problem. SAme with the babysitter.

Frustrating but not sure what to do. I really don't think its the move to nursery at all - she goes 2 days a week.

[Lochie]

Thanks for all posts, really really useful.

We have a cot bed so taking one of the sides off is an option so it feels more like a bed. However, I am very nervous of this as next summer he will be sharing a bedroom with a small baby sister. I have no idea how room sharing works with a toddler who is not boxed into a cot, who could effectively go and scoop a young baby out of the cot - what if he dropped her? Or perhaps a nearly 3 year old would know not to do that? And our living situation is such that hubby and I have to use our bedroom as our living room as we are lodging with family so don't really want baby 2 in with us longer than we have to.

Sorry going off on tangents!

@fabians_ma - Yes I do firmly believe this is linked to starting nursery but also general development and a grander sense of 'self' and the fact that he knows he can really push push push to get his own way.

[EmilyE]

Really don't think a nearly three year old could get a baby out of a cot. Maybe steer clear of a crib though. A nearly three year old almost certainly could climb out of his own cot though, so wouldn't really be boxed in in any case.

[Lochie]

@EmilyE - thank you very useful to know. I forget how quickly things change and am just thinking about the way he lobs his teddy around. Am sure a 3 year old is very different from a 2 year old.

Can't wait for the 'climbing out of cot' stage ;-)

[sanity girl]

Agree I don't think a 3 year old would be able to lift baby out of a cot. My 4 year old shared her room with baby for a while when he was 4-8 months and it was fine. Then he got too excited by her being around at bedtime and I had to move him out again!

[EmilyE]

My second climbed out of his cot at 20 months, and the 3rd's just started doing it at 17 months. The joys. luckily he can't with a sleeping bag on.

The older ones shared (very successfully) from 2 1/2 and 4 months. The older one would sing to the baby in the middle of the night - very cute.

Returning to the co-sleeping, I ended up spending a lot of time on cushions by the bed...

[Lochie]

I really REALLY tried to stick to controlled crying last night but after an hour of toddler screaming (literally murder screams!) I relented. He was very grateful and it was the right thing to do. After sobbing 'big bed big bed' he eventually agreed to sleep in the adult single bed in his room but not in cot.

So thanks to those earlier suggestions who referred to move to a big boys bed. Seems this might be the way forward, I'm going to buy a bed guard today so he doesn't fall out, then we'll probably just transfer him to the cot when he's asleep until we're 100% sure he feels safe in the big boys bed :-)

[sanity girl]

Just my opinion, but I wouldn't transfer him to the cot while asleep, especially if you've got a bed guard on the big bed anyway. Moving him to the cot while asleep may create some confusion for him and cause him to feel unsettled when he wakes in the night. He'll be fine in the big bed - you can always put a few pillows/ duvet on the floor if you're worried about him falling out. Thinking back, my daughter started in her cot with the side taken off (quite high off the floor) from around 20 months if I remember correctly, before we got an actual bed for her a couple of months later. I never bothered with a side guard, just put a thick duvet on the floor, and the one time that she fell out she didn't even wake up!!

[Lochie]

Its less the falling out and more the what he could get up to if he manages to get out of bed....there is a sink in his room and plugs (albeit with plug guards)....ugh!! Am so accustomed to the 'safety' of his cot despite how much he hates it.

Guess need to do a bit more childproofing of his room...:-(

[sanity girl]

I really wouldn't worry about it, especially if you already have plug guards on the plugs. And if the sink has old fashioned taps you can just make sure they are closed really tightly. I found that when my daughter woke up in the early days of the move to the big bed she wouldn't even get out - she'd just call out until we came to her.