Advice appreciated: helping toddler deal with losing a grandparent.

[happy mummy]

I'm really hoping for some advice or suggestions. My father is a loving and much loved 'Grandpa' to my 2 young children aged 2 and a half and 6 months. Heartbreakingly, he has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and is rapidly on the decline. I realise my youngest will have no understanding of losing him, but my toddler will. She is a very chatty, very sensitive little girl and I know there will be questions. I'm worried about what to say and telling her the doctors can't or couldn't make him better. In her wide eyed view of the world doctors make everyone better.

Has anyone got any experience or advice they can share on how to help young children through such an upsetting experience and how best to answer some of the more tricky questions?

Many thanks.

[malleymoo]

Sorry to hear it. There was a book I found really helpful with.my daughter when her grandad died. She was 4 but if I recall right I think it was also suitable for younger children. It's called Badgers parting gifts. Its the story of a badger coming to the end of his life and his friends whilst sad recall all the lovely times they spent with him. It has always been widely available but might be worth just flicking through it before you buy it just to make sure its age appropriate . Also if you do buy it read it through yourself a couple of times - I wept quite a lot after reading it - which although a realease for me I was pleased my daughter wasn't there as wouldn't have been able to read some of it aloud .

[Fuschia]

We hsve that book, which is lovely

Also there is a book where mog dies

My partners stepmother died when

Ours were 1.5 and 6

The twins are obsessed with death ATM

3.5) and mention

It every day

They want to be reminded why she died

I say gone times your body gets old and tired and it stops working and even the drs can't fix it

Nana's heart got worn

Out and just didn't work any more

[Fuschia]

I am sorry you are going through this x

[amyw]

i remember reading this book although i don't remember why i was given it or how old i was - as i am sure i read it myself it might not be appropriate for toddlers. sounds like the other suggestions are more appropriate but thought i would mention it.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Remember-Secret-Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross/dp/0890875243

[Fuschia]

Our oldest made a box with some things of his nana's, he chose things from her flat

[Mrs TP]

Oh dear what a desperately sad time for you all. I would echo Fuschia's original post and say that children, however sensitive, do tend to be very factual about death at a young age and want the specifics and may continue to talk about it for quite a long time. When our girls were pre-schoolers and several distant but constant relatives in their lives died we explained it in terms of 'their batteries had run out and couldn't be replaced'. There was still an element of them not quite understanding that they wouldn't see the person again and so we had to repeat conversations and reassurances.

Best wishes

Mrs TP

[hpsaucey]

The other thing to bear in mind, which I'm sure you already know, is how emotional you will be feeling as you/them discuss it. My father died from cancer fairly suddenly and my youngest - then nearly 3, now nearly 4, still asks my very matter of fact questions about why it happened and how.

I've been as straight with my two as I can, using simple language, although its obviously a difficult subject to understand for such young ones! I still feel myself choked whenever he asks, and when it happens out of the blue as it often does it can still knock me for six.

So that my two don't think that what happened to their granddad happens to everyone, I have said that what he had was quite a rare illness, that doctors can fix most illnesses for people (otherwise they start worrying every time you or they get a cold for example), but that there are, just sometimes, some that are harder to fix.

We are also recording thoughts about him and memories of him so that they can explore their feelings, and also so that they have something precious to share later on with their cousin who is still a baby and doesn't have such precious memories of him.

I am so sorry you are all going through this.

[kristymac1]

Sorry to hear you're going through such a sad time, my FIL died when our daughter was just 3, he too died of cancer and was in a care home for the last 3 months of his life after also suffering a serious stroke. Our daughter asks about him a lot, often its very factual but sometimes she is simply upset because she misses him. We tended to stay away from any great detail regarding his illness but just explained simply that Grandpa was very poorly, which she understood from visiting him in his care home, and sometimes when you're very very poorly the doctors can't give you medicine to fix it, and grandpa was very tired, now he's not tired and he's not in pain anymore. Your daughter will undoubtedly want to know 'but where has grandpa gone?', it will likely depend on your beliefs how you answer that one. Whilst not particularly religious, we leaned towards the grandpa is up in the sky, looking after you - My brother/sister-in-law explained to their 4 yr old that he was cremated and his ashes are in a pot (they dont do 'lies').

Its ok for your daughter to see you upset too, its all part of understanding loss and you shouldn't have to hide from her that her Mummy is very sad too.

Over the last 2 years we talk about Grandpa all the time and it does get easier (for everyone).

I wish you and your family well and hope your father is well looked after and can enjoy his grandchildren and children for as long as possible xx

[BanJo]

Happy mummy, I am going through exactly the same thing as you as my mum has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My children are 7, 5 and 1. Our Macmillan nurse recommended a lovely book called The Lonely Tree by Nicholas Halliday which my (just) 5 year old has really responded to. Its about a young evergreen tree who befriends a very old oak tree who dies. The illustrations are beautiful and you could probably simplify the story for a 2.5 year old.

Macmillan also gave us a very useful booklet on explaining cancer to children which is probably available on their website or definitely through their drop in information centre at Kings. I suppose the best piece of advice I have been given so far is that we are their parents, we love them and so we won't go too far wrong when trying to explain to them what is going on ie not to analyse what you say to them too much or beat yourself up about it.

Good luck and feel free to drop me a pm if you want to.