Advice on how to support someone who has had a stillbirth please

[hellosailor]

Wasn't sure whether to post about something so sensitive, and very much hope it won't offend or upset anyone that I have, but would very much value the advice of fellow family roomers on this

I have a friend who lost her baby at 37 weeks a few days ago, for reasons yet to be confirmed. Another one of our close friends who was due at the same time - the two were very much gearing up for having their first babies together, as it were - is now being induced early today so the timing of that is going to be very poignant for our bereaved friend too.

I, nor any of our circle of friends, has actually spoken to our friend who has lost her baby yet, as she has given word through her family that she doesn't want anyone to contact her.

I'm wondering tho - given that she may never put the word out that she is ready to be contacted - what do we do? I definitely do not want to do anything that has the slightest danger of being the wrong thing by contacting her if she doesn't want that, but also am aware that, even if you had said you didn't want to be contacted, it must feel very lonely having had a group of friends round you excitedly planning to meet up within days for maternity leave, and then sudden silence. Would you wait a few days, or a week, or 2 weeks, or how long? and would you write, or email, or what? and would you do that even if you had not heard that it was now ok to do so, simply because you couldn't bear not to get in touch, or is that simply the wrong thing to do, if someone has said they don't want to be contacted?

I can think of very little else but what this friend is going through, and I know our other friends feel exactly the same, it feels very weird that she doesn't know that.

I would really appreciate any advice people have, I so want her to feel supported but I am mega anxious about doing anything that is going to upset her.

[zeban]

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Unfortunately I can't really help but I do remember reading an article in the Guardian by a woman who had had a stillbirth and it was a very honest and extremely moving account of her experience. It might be helpful perhaps? Here it is, I hope it helps:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/22/losing-iris-stillborn-sarah-hughes?INTCMP=SRCH

[Fuschia]

How terribly sad. What she must be going through.

I think if I were you I would send a card, expressing your sadness And stating your hope that she will contact you when she feels ready.

Then contact her partner to get details of the funeral so you can send flowers

[jj55]

How very, very sad.

I've had 2 friends who have lost a baby in the last few weeks of pregnancy. We opted for what Fushia's suggested. Sent cards, let them know we there for them and then waited for word from them. In both cases family members contacted us about funerals. In one case it took some time (months) before they were ready to see friends but we kept contact through family members. So if you have a family member you can contact they will let her know you are all there for her, for whenever she is ready.

2 years on and still I simply cannot imagine what they've been through/still going through.

[hazelnunhead]

I would definately drop off a card - I would let them know that you are there for them.

i think that in times of such despair and sadness it can be easy to say "i dont want anyone to contact me" - but cards etc do have a place, that you are thought of, that it is real. I would just pop it through the letterbox and i would understand that they might not be ready to see anyone. I would ask a family memeber if you know if they would like a donation in terms of flowers to a charity etc.

I would ask the family memeber if you should or could attend the funeral. I believe that support is needed on day like that, and alhtough probably a blur for the person, will later be remembered.

I would in a few weeks time, drop another note/text/ to the person to ask if they felt like a coffee etc. My friend who lost a child at childbirth was able to speak about this after some months and we did take time to talk about it; many tears, but also within time just the ability to speak about her son / what he looked like etc.

I would remember the anniversary - i helped organise a very low key one year anniversary picnic lunch for a friend

If they have any other children offer to have the child so that they have some space ot grieve

I would stay in contact - in a low key way ... your friend will need and value support as time passes.

Thoughts to you ..... I know how numb I felt when I heard similar news (although quite awhile ago), and i think your instincts of reaching out are right ....

If you want to PM me please do, i dont want to write to much, as i am aware how painful this subject is ...

[hazelnunhead]

I wanted to add, that I am sure they will be put in touch with SANDS, but groups like that, where you can meet people going through what you have, and help support counsel you, i think are vital. So at some point you could see that they had that information.

[Saffron]

I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. Formite Pellmell started a thread on this in the Drawing Room some time ago. Perhaps she could give you some words of wisdom?

http://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/forum/read.php?27,542093

[Fuschia]

Please See Me Through My Tears

Kelly Osmont

You asked, "How are you doing?"

As I told you, tears came to my eyes . . .

And you looked away and quickly began to talk again.

All the attention you had given me drained away.

"How am I doing?" . . .

I do better when people listen,

though I may shed a tear or two.

These feelings are indescribable.

If you?ve never felt them you cannot fully understand.

Yet I need you.

When you look away,

when I?m ignored,

I am again alone with them.

Your attention means more than you can ever know.

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!

They?re nature?s way of helping me to heal . . .

They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

I know you fear that asking

how I?m doing brings me sadness . . .

but it doesn?t work that way.

The memory of my loved one?s absence is with me,

only a thought away.

My tears make my loss more visible to you,

but you did not cause this sadness.

It was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless,

not knowing what to do?

You are not helpless,

and you don?t need to do a thing but be here for me.

When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow,

you?ve helped me.

You need not speak. Your silence is all I need.

Be patient . . . do not fear.

Listening with your heart to "how am I doing"

validates what I?m going through,

for when the tears can freely come I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases

what I?ve been wanting to say aloud,

clearing space for a touch of joy in my life.

I?ll cry for a minute or two . . . then I?ll wipe my eyes,

and sometimes you?ll even find I?m laughing in a while.

When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight,

my chest aches, my stomach knots . . .

because I?m trying to protect you from my tears.

Then we both hurt . . .

me, because my feelings are held inside,

causing pain and a shield against our closeness . . .

and you, because suddenly we?re emotionally distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears . . .

then we can be close again

[hellosailor]

Thank you so much everyone for these posts and the private messages, your responses have been tremendously helpful and it seems that you all seem to agree my instinct to write to her is the right one, so am going to do that today, and make it clear that her friend are here for her when she is ready. thanks again all

x

[Otta]

Info on support here

Edit to correct link

[midivydale]

I would also write to her and gently say that you are there for her- on her terms when she is ready.i think it is important to respect privqcy when it has been asked for, i also react like this in time of grief.a phone call however well meaning can feel intrusive when in mourning whilst a letter/card is much more gentle.

[Otta]

Fuschia Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> How terribly sad. What she must be going through.

> I think if I were you I would send a card,

> expressing your sadness And stating your hope that

> she will contact you when she feels ready.

>

> Then contact her partner to get details of the

> funeral so you can send flowers

But don't forget that although he hasn't dealt with the physical trauma, he's also suffered a terrible loss.

Men very often get forgotten about by both medical professionals (understandable), and friends & family when pregnancies go wrong.

[Fuschia]

Yes Otta, you are right and I hadn't forgotten. But the father hasn't given instructions not to contact him, so probably the only way to confirm the funeral arrangements

It's so terribly sad for them both, for all their family. Something nobody should have to go through.

[Otta]

Wasn't suggesting you were guilty of anything Fuschia, your post just made me think to make the point.

[Fuschia]

I hope they are able to support each other. Tragedy can

Leave people so alone with their grief

Hs, your friend is lucky to have you there to care for her, when she is ready

[jollybaby]

I've recently had a friend go through this. To my surprise she was ready to talk and made contact only a few days after her son's death. I didn't attend the funeral but a number of my university friends did and I know they found the support very touching.

[Yak]

I would just say - don't worry about not knowing what to say or what the "right thing" to put in the card. The fact that you're writing will mean a lot to them all. As hard as it is to know how to react in these circumstances, I would say it's better to try & say something, however clumsily, inelegantly and awkwardly, than say nothing at all for fear of getting it wrong. x x

[hellosailor]

thank you again everyone for your responses and your private messages with advice, really is so appreciated

x

[childsleepsolutions]

That is so so sad. Regarding what to say, as Yak says, something is better than nothing and I can't imagine there is 'right' thing to say in this circumstance. My mum lost my sister to cot death and she said the hardest responses to deal with were those who avoided her, even though she knew it was just because they were uncomfortable and did not know what to say.

I really hope you all get through this and you and your friend who was due with her can support each other as well. Thinking of you all x

[The Nappy Lady]

I think that after this initial phase of grieving she may well get to a point where she will be glad to have her friends around her, and you are right to let her know you will be there.

If you can somehow, in your own way express the sentiments that "if you want to just talk I will listen, if you want to sit quietly I will be there to hold your hand, if you want to be distracted I'll do my best to help"...I'm sure you get my point.

Grieving goes through so many stages, and I cannot begin to imagine the pain she must be in, but I'm sure that just knowing you (and your friends) are there will be a massive support in the back of her mind. I wondered if a few of you should get together to sign one card, as a way of re-inforcing your solidarity in terms of supporting her?

xx

[littlemoo]

Hello Sailor,

I can empathise with your friends situation having lost my son a week after he was born. Obviously everyone is different but amidst all of the other pain, it can feel horrendously lonely as so many people do not know what to say/ do. I agree with above posters that saying something is far better than saying nothing.

One of the nicest things was when people asked about him, his name, what he looked like etc so when you do see her give her the opportunity to talk about the baby.

Also we were given a few things in his memory, a beautiful book and a picture frame and those things are very precious to us as we have so little that was his so you could think about something like that.

Please feel free to PM me.

Ruth