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Is this the NHS of today?

Michael Palaeologus

By Michael Palaeologus
in The Lounge

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Michael Palaeologus

Michael Palaeologus

Posted
Posted

"Hello and thank you for calling The Maudsley Hospital. Please select from the following options:


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.


If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.


If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.


If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.


If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .


If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.


If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.


If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.


If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.


If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.


If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up"

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https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/2331-is-this-the-nhs-of-today/
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georgia

georgia

Posted
Posted

There is nothing worse than the Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 yearold walked into a crowded waiting room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There is something wrong with my d--k" he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded reception and say things like that."

"Why not?" You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said

She replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.."

Man replied, You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes"?

"There is something wrong with my ear," he stated

Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

'I can't p-ss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

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