swearing mums

[duchessofdulwich]

I know another mum who uses the F word in front of my daughter when i have asked her before to politely be careful she still continues to do it the next time I see her.

I also find the topics of conversation she talks about in front of the children really uncomfortable. I dont like tto turn away the hand of friendship however I really feel like I've had enough.

She is keen to be friends but im not sure if the feeling is mutual. Not sure if anyone else has dealt with situations like this?

[Mrs TP]

It's not on and I am no angel having accidently, rather than deliberately, tripped up on swearing in front of mine from time to time but people need to be reminded it is not appropriate.

I have a wonderfully supportive mother-in-law who is fab in all respects but for her over-use of the word 'bloody'. My 3yr old came back from her house recently and asked me to help her 'take her bloody cardigan off' - I told her off and she has never said it again. When I told my mother-in-law she was quite shocked and is defo more careful now.

I have spoken to swearing kids in the park (when feeling brave) and said 'look I don't mind what you say to each other but can you tone it down in front of the younger children' and this approach has always worked.

However much more difficult with a friend. I think rather than approach this with her out of the blue you have to pick it up with her every time she does it in front of the kids 'can you tone it down', 'pls don't swear in front of x', 'can we talk about this topic later when the kids aren't around' - don't get cross just be factual.

If this is part of a wider issue and the whole friendship is not working out then you will just have to quietly withdraw or maybe just see her a little less and see if that works.

We all do stuff that annoys other people, the world would be really dull if we were all the same but it is up to you to decide do her good points outweigh the bad.

[duchessofdulwich]

I know we all slip up from time to time but this I feel this other mum does not know where to draw the line with her really bad language etc

[prickle]

I think there is little wrong with the occasional swear word if the occasion warrants it eg when you drop a dish on the floor, but I loathe the casual lazy swearing when f and s words are dropped in between every other word.

Also the effect of swearing depends on the age of the children.

[Saffron]

You probably have to accept that she is not going to change her behaviour. We all have different ideas about ourselves and raising children. Her child is growing up exposed to this, so it will have some effect on her child's attitudes and behaviour eventually too. If you truly don't approve of it, ask yourself why you and your own child are benefitting from playdates? Maybe you aren't.

If there are other reasons you value a friendship with the mother or her child, then perhaps having playdates only in public places like playgrounds would help. If the language or topic goes out of bounds, catch the eye of another parent for assurance and just say in a friendly tone, "I think we shouldn't swear/talk about x around the kids." Then have another topic quickly to hand to talk about. Like, "Hey did you see that Thread on the ED Forum about...?" Or, "Can you believe the price children's shoes these day?"

Coincidentally, I have the reverse problem with a friend and her child. She is madly conservative about all kinds of weird things (to my opinion anyway). Mostly it centres around food, so we avoid meal times at playdates.

[duchessofdulwich]

Thanks for your replies. I agree saffron after numerous times of asking her to tone it down etc she still does it, I doubt she will change.

Pickle yes it is casual swearing and yesterday she used the C word in front of her 7 month old which left me shocked. Luckily my daughter and her daughter ran off and were out of ear shot. I just find it totally unnecessary.

[PaulK]

Jesus christ! Chill out and laugh but most of all get a life, who would want you as a friend!

[uptime]

Can I recommend that none of you read Caitlin Moran's book How to be a Woman as there is a hilarious story in there about the c word and a small baby. Personally I like a bit of gratuitous swearing and am dreading the day (very soon) when I have to curb that. It sounds as though you're not too bothered about losing this friendship but if you do want it to continue then best to be completely honest with her. Certainly that's what I would expect to hear.

PS I am confident we don't actually know each other DofD...!

[Smiler]

7 months! Ffs!

[Pickle]

I come from a country where ads on TV contain the word "bugger", so there's no hope for me or my kids ;-)

My Dad (in NZ) was reduced to tears of laughter on the phone to my son last weekend when my son said "oh my word..." in response to something Dad had told him. In his eyes that makes my son very British, as a kiwi kid would have said "bl**dy hell".

[Convex]

I have a high tolerance for swearing but am getting more conscious of it now that I have a baby, wondering when I need to start really keeping an eye on myself.

I think you should speak to her frankly about it.

Edited to say... If I were in her position, I'd rather know why someone was suddenly declining invites if it was due to swearing etc, rather than just be confused or think o smelt bad or something! But I'm from NZ and prefer a direct approach. And in NZ the c word is still taboo (or it was when I left) but pretty much everything else is fair game,

[Pickle]

Yes, Convex the c word was a no no in our house, as was the f word. After 11 years living in the UK I'm definitely better than I was, and I notice it when I visit home.

Absolutely agree with the direct approach, best to be honest with her.

[dulwichgirl2]

The c word thank goodness is still taboo in the uk. The f word less so and you do hear it on the wretched television - I say wretched as it could be such an amazing educational tool, with auomatic access to every household but no, it just generates pap - while the b word is fairly common. I did not hear any of these words till my teens as my parents did not swear and noone at school did either but I think that is unusual. I was shocked when at hospital recently I overheard the following:

Child in pram aged around 3 drops magazine: oh f!

Grandmother, I presumed: stop saying that, f-ing stop saying that.

I had gasped at the child but then felt terribly guilty as it was clearly not she who was to blame. (a worthwhile lesson actually and a reminder that, whatever tiny ch do, it is not really their fault.)

[dulwichgirl2]

As for what to do about it, DoD, just decide whether the good outweighs the bad. If it does, put up with her and if it doesn't just walk away. The idea of "telling someone why" makes me slightl confused. Is it to give her a chance, in which case, hint about another "third party friend who swears a lot" or indeed post the problem on a website. (haha). If it is to tell her off, I don't see it as my job to tell other adults how to behave; they can work on their behaviour if they like, themselves.

[sillywoman]

Hmmm, it's a tricky one, & for me a lot would depend on the ages of the children you're talking about. Personally I am currently really enjoying a swearing revival. Having spent the best part of 15 years 'dry' due to young children I am rediscovering the joy of swearing in all sorts of situations. I'm still careful around my 8 year old, & my official line is still 'no swearing' in our home, but my teenagers know more words than I do I'm sure - & consequently the 8yr old knows more than he should too.

If I'm talking to my peers though then I do pepper my speech with the odd swear word, they just feel so emphatic & good to say (sort of like bunking off for a ciggie behind the bike sheds used to feel - a bit naughty). However, for me personally, the C-word is a definite no-no.

So I guess, Id ask - how old are her kids? Maybe she's just like me - rediscovering a part of her language that was necessarily lost to her for many years?

[duchessofdulwich]

Thanks for all your views on this one.

I have alot in common with the other mum, However I have told her directly not to sswear in front of my 2.5 year old but no change. There have been some other factors in our friendship that have made me question it.I appreciate none of us are perfect!! Most people i kmow who have sworn in front of my daughter immediately apologies etc which I've got no prob with we all have our moments.

good point dulwich girl thanks for your post, I agree its not something I want to do telling an adult how to behave.

[sillywoman]

Ok, then little children are another matter - hence my 15 dry years ;) I'm, afraid if I was in your shoes & had asked her not to swear in front of my small children, but she continued, I'd be looking to have an adult friendship with her that didn't involve the children - i.e. "let's go out for a drink next Thursday". At some point she'd probably want to know why you weren't wanting to meet with the children & then you'd need to be straight about her potty-mouth & how you feel about it. After that it's up to her whether she takes in on the chin & continues the friendship, or takes offence (rather ironic if she does) and draws a line under it.

A tricky situation though :(

[Saffron]

Sometimes humour helps. Times are tough, austerity and all... introduce a swearbox, ?2 per swear. Offer her your bank details for direct transfer if she doesn't have cash on the day. ;-) After you've both had a laugh, you can tell her "Seriously please stop swearing in front of my child b/c it's upsetting me even though we are friends." There really is no reason not to be honest with her.