Quiet room...

[citizenED]

*am liking the deep sounds coming from the brass section of that Nunhead ensemble in the corner when...*

*Zaaaaamm...it suddenly stops*

*is that the tinny sound of Wizzard from the QR wireless set*

*look what you've done, Brendan!*

*Can you turn that thing to reverse?*

[Brendan]

*Frantically thumbs through instruction manual*

*I dunno!*

*It does however have a marshmallow toasting setting.*

*Gets to section regarding French Horns*

*Sees warning in big red letters: ?Super-Megatron Nuclear Space Blasters ? don?t kill french horns. People kill french horns.?*

*Oh dear*

[lozzyloz]

*Sombrely walks in carrying a pile of black ashes still smoking*

*This is all thats left of AFN*

*Do you think Jah will want a line?*

[dulwichmum]

Leans over and offers Brendan a dry roasted nut...

[Brendan]

*Takes copy of ?English Case Law: Flukes and Long Shots? from the bookcase*

*Thumbs through to see if there is any precedent for arguing a defense based on Spontaneous Combustion Brought About by French Hornning*

*hmmm. A nut*

[Michael Palaeologus]

*Eases out a creased copy of Razzle - now there's a woman with super-powers*

*Places copy of Razzle in a copy of Nuts - I have my standards you know*

*Not a time to be thinking of French, Horns and Nuts really*

[dulwichmum]

Flips cover on arm rest to reveal large red button. Presses red button with perfectly manicured finger. Laughs to self as Michael is dispensed a pair of roasted nuts...

http://www.dogsinthenews.com/issues/0111/pictures/cartoon_explosion.jpg

[Michael Palaeologus]

*Dry roast, I think you will find*

*Places testacles on the coffee table and continues reading*

*I will sew them back on later*

[dulwichmum]

Ah Michael, you look so cute sitting under the Christmas tree!

http://www.notjustballoons.co.uk/acatalog/rag_doll_boy.jpg

[Brendan]

*Slips in*

*Sees DM passed out in her armchair and MP asleep under the tree*

*Goes over to the advent calendar*

*Figures he may as well open December 12th as Citizen isn?t here.*

*Opens door marked 12*

*It creaks ominously and opens to reveal:*

*A small roast nut*

*Odd? Leans forward*

*It?s ticking!*

*Quickly shuts door*

*Decides to give it another go.*

*Opens doors again to reveal:*

*12 drummers drumming.*

*Slams the door on the racket.*

*hmmmm? curious. Would really just facny a Quality Street*

*Opens the door once more? slowly this time? to reveal:*

*A selection of self-help books!*

Your Super-Megatron Nuclear Space Blaster ? and You

Binge Drinking for Dummies: A Foreigner?s Guide to English Culture

Learn the French Horn: Appreciation of the Fuller Figure by Dawn French

At Least you are not a Mormon: A Dinner Party Survival Guide for Grown-Ups Who still Read Comics

Step by Step Morris Dancing: A Foreigner?s Guide to the English Sense of Humour

*What?*

*Strongly suspects the advent calendar is taking the piss.*

*Everyone?s a fucking comedian.*

*Shuts door in disgust*

*Jumps into the roaring fire and disappears with a pop.*

[lozzyloz]

*Pads quietly into QR armed with a photo of Nigella Lawson and another of Liz Hurley*

*Sees Dulwich Mum slumped fast asleep in Chesterfield armchair in front of the open fire*

*Gently closes DM's open mouth and wipes dribble of her chin then compares photo's to Dulwich Mum*

*Realises terrible mistake and tosses Nigella's photo into the fire*

*At the same time he treads on something crunchy yet soft on the inside*

*Time to leave*

[dulwichmum]

*Wakes up to find Lozzyloz with Bendicks Bittermint stuck to the sole of her shoe.*

*Rummages in capacious handbag to find pack of babywipes - passes one to Lozzyloz*

*Notices reflection of self in window and thinks to self "I look remarkably like Liz Hurley for a retired brickie from Penge in his 60's!"

[Michael Palaeologus]

*Its the fag held in your cupped hand that gives it away Barry, sorry, Dulwichmum*

[Brendan]

*Walks in to see:*

*Lozzyloz who seems to have had a sex change and what can only be described as Liz Hurley with stubble and displaying a builder?s bum*

*Very very confused*

*Leaves to go consult a therapist, Or perhaps a GP about some legally prescribed heroine.*

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

That would be Cat Girl, Brendan?

[citizenED]

*scuttles in, collar up, looks left, then furtively, right*

*good, no sign of that Brendan geezer*

*got in before me yesterday, the so-and-so*

*sneaks up to advent calender and pings the no. 13 door*

*what! it's only Brendan, having scoffed the whole tin of Quality street*

[dulwichmum]

Trots into quiet room laiden down by great chest of free skin care products from various cosmetics companies. Thinks to self, "I need to try these out before I consider corporate sponsorship"...

Spots sleeping Michael in the corner on old lime green acrylic velvet armchair...

Opens big pot of "Botox substitute." Removes trowel type applicator from pack and smears preparation across Mr Popadopalots face - in the manner of buttering bread.

[Michael Palaeologus]

*Oh God not the monkey glands again*

*Thanks a bunch Barry, nice tats*

[dulwichmum]

OHMYGOD! Michael is unable to move his mouth and he is dribbling! That cream really is rather effective. He even has one eyebrow higher than the other - rather like Kylie Minogue with stubble...

What is he talking about? OHMYGOD - that cream has affected his brain! Into the bin with that pot. How about this one, has the power to plump and expand - now Michael, I shall just wait until you drop off again and I shall smear this on your nose!

[Michael Palaeologus]

*OK - I was going to make a comment about using the plumping and expanding on somewhere other than my nose and putting a photo up*

*If you search Google images with "Priapus" you will get the idea and an understanding as to why I displayed unusual self-restraint*

*Tee- Hee*

[dulwichmum]

OHMYGOD! Michael - your nose is enormous! Here let me rub this "extreme wrinkle remover all over your skin to soothe your poor face, it looks sore..."

"OHMYGOD, this one actually works. You immediately look so very young."

http://allysoncliftonphotography.com/images/samples/images/new-babyface.jpg

"Now, we shall have less of that filth and inuendo from you young man, or I shall have nanny spank your bottom."

"Actually, I shall try some of this myself - here goes..."

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/CLASS/130-034~Shirley-Temple-Posters.jpg

[Michael Palaeologus]

*Now I find myself with "On the Good Ship Lollypop" running through my mind - its a little much on a Sunday morning*

*Anyway, why arent you in church with the children, begging the good Lord for forgiveness for your sinful and avaricious ways?*

*Adjusts cilice around thigh rejoices in horse hair boxer shorts*

*Starts wafting incence around the Quiet Room*

[dulwichmum]

I am in Church dear heart, I have my Blackberry with me!

[Michael Palaeologus]

Its about time............http://www.iona.com/blogs/newcomer/archives/Tree0006.JPG

Dont let the doggie pee up it DM.

[dulwichmum]

Who is "Ita," and are there any gifties under there for me dear heart?