Reward charts = endless present = small demanding brat?

[reren]

We have found a gold stars reward chart a really good way to get (nearly 3 year old) son brushing teeth, getting dressed etc. i like the way it rewards good behaviour and is positive - but i find he gets very fixated on new toys - hard to get him to understand he needs 7 stars before he gets a reward...and even then the house is silting up w cars bought as rewards. Worry we're getting good behaviour essentially thru bribery...he doesnt yet understand removing stars for bad behaviour so we find naughty step/ taking away toys for bad behaviour is better as more immediate. so the reward chart isnt the only thing we rely on - but i wondered if others have tips for using it without turning your child into a brat!

[Saila]

Someone told me a solution to this classic problem we all face.

You have a picture of thomas (removable) on a drawing of a railway that loops in a circle. Stuck on the wall.

There should be say ten or so *points* on the looped track. A station, a bridge etc

Then like with 'pin the tail on the donkey'. Each time he does something good, you travel along the track one step. Then when you get to the end, you make a huge fuss about getting there. Then it starts all over.

Just all about changing the reward, to being the fuss *you* make, rather than the toy/sticker/star.

And it becomes about achieving something. Not gaining something.

It relies on you being as enthusiastic as the most annoying tv presenter you can imagine. Hard work but may be worth it.

Good luck!

[bluesuperted]

Reren, this is why I'm very uncomfortable with reward systems. The motivation is extrinsic and not intrinsic. Alfie Kohn says it much better than I can:

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/tcags.htm

In my view, there's no easy fix, which star systems claim to be. I don't have the answer I'm afraid but thought it was worth sharing the alternative view, non-mainstream that it is.

[Curmudgeon]

Use a small glass jar and use pasta shapes 1 in for desired behaviour, 1 out for inappropriate behaviour - count at the end of the week and if enough then small reward which could be a trip or a toy or a huge hug or great praise, whatever works for you

[Curmudgeon]

The issues with reward systems as I see it is parents who reward inappropriate things like results. If you reward effort or trying hard you end up with a child who is reassured that the effort they out in counts

Rewarding natural talent is easier though but not quite as useful

[scareyt]

We use a star chart sometimes for new things that require an extra effort, like being brave in a new nursery class & a trip to the dentist. I think it really helps for that, to recognise the efforts he's making. With a new toy for every 5 stickers. Then once it becomes natural behaviour we gradually forget about it.

I tried doing one for teeth brushing, getting dressed, eating food etc but we all got fed up with it really quickly, it became yet another thing to nag about and didn't work for us at all. Mainly i think because my heart wasn't in it. I agree with bluesuperted that for things that have to happen all the time its probably not the best way. We also used a blank white sheet with random stickers all over for potty training, but the stickers were the reward themselves. It worked for us, and gave him something to get excited about once the wees got boring.

Teeth brushing etc is all much less of a battle for us since I read "Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids" and started using the tips from that. The gist of it is that all children naturally want to be cooperative and all bad behaviour is a result of the child feeling unconnected from you. And that if you set clear and firm limits on behaviour but also allow and encourage the emotions behind it to be fully expressed, harmony will be restored. Ie you absolutely cannot kick me, but you can lie in the middle of the room and hammer and kick the carpet and shout as much as you want. And when you've finished we will have a big cuddle and a chat about why you were so angry. Which sounds far too hippyish and optimistic to be true, but it really has transformed behaviour for us. I was finding the grudging apology after a time out was getting more and more meaningless before trying this approach, and now we've completely given up on time outs and we're all much happier.

[canela]

I think if you give out rewards for everyday behaviour like getting dressed or brushing teeth, then you are setting yourself up for a lot of little cars! the only time i have used rewards is to get everyone out of the house in the morning, and it was a team reward for all of us. then once it was established as a habit we dropped the reward.

also, if you just use rewards you don't leave room to explain the reason why some things are necessary. your son is a bit young now, but in a few years he should be brushing his teeth because he understands he needs to if they are going to stay strong.

i would say most 2 year olds need some space in which to be difficult, try out the limits of their self, power etc. it can be a bit annoying but if you see it as normal rather than bad behaviour you might find it easier to deal with?

i always find the best way to get my kids to do anything is to make it fun. sometimes you don't believe it is going to work, but even just "bet you can't get ready by the time i count 100" can spark off their imagination and turn a situation around.

good luck.

[oimissus]

at a parenting class I went to, they suggested not using material treats (like toys) as rewards for a star chart or similar, but just something that you knew they loved to do - for Miss Oi that would be a trip to the Horniman or the farm, or the paddling pool in summer. Right now we are keeping her on track with The Lion King - if she's a good girl (which is of course totally relative!) she can watch it on Sunday. Or even just a stupid dance - 'hey, you've got 10 stars! Let's dance to We Will Rock you 20,000 times!'.