Madonna And Me - Advice Required

[bon3yard]

Guy told me over a plate of Scones and a cup of tea recently that the Madgevadge has seen so little action recently he fears it has healed over. So, you dont need to worry about touching anyone or anything with yours or anyone elses Johnson.

[Annasfield]

::o

[bon3yard]

Sorry AF, I didnt think the ladies would be paying a visit to the juveniles thread. :-$

[PeckhamRose]

I have a filmscript that's actor proof and director proof. She'd be great in the lead. Bloody hurry up, would you? I'm fighting off Uma Thurman 'ere and I don't want Madge to see Uma's scrawny fingerprints over this script. Oi! Keira, get to the back of the queue love!

[HonaloochieB]

I'm thinking about Uma.

Uuuuuummmmmaaaa.

Actually what am I thinking?

I'm currently wooing Madonna. I shouldn't be considering a mistress at this stage.

Get thee behind me. And keep your hands to yourself.

[PeckhamRose]

You can 'ave 'er.

But quick.

Give her me script as a good selling point in case you're not rich and/or artistic.

She'll love yo for it. I promise.

But hurry up because now bloody Scarlett's joined the queue and she is SUCH a whiner.

[bon3yard]

Uma? Now thats right headed thinking.

[HonaloochieB]

PeckhamRose Wrote:

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> You can 'ave 'er.

> But quick.

> Give her me script as a good selling point in case

> you're not rich and/or artistic.

> She'll love yo for it. I promise.

> But hurry up because now bloody Scarlett's joined

> the queue and she is SUCH a whiner.

Rest assured PeckhamRose your script will be with my beloved, as soon as the time is right.

We're in the early stages of our courtship, and I think it's too early to be slipping her anything of that sort.

Right enough about Scarlett though, it's all Tom Waits this and Tom Waits that with her these days.

Little cow's got such an ego on her.

[TillieTrotter]

Funny thread...keep it up boys!

[bon3yard]

I think HBs switched his attention to East Dulwichs own Jo Brand. Now theres a real woman, funny and probably quite handy in a rumble.

[PeckhamRose]

TillieTrotter Wrote:

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> Funny thread...keep it up boys!

I am not a boy.

Tho maybe my contributions aren't funny.

Which is correct.

It's not. The situation's driving me nuts.

That bloody tart from EastEnders is bending me ear now.

"NO chance you minger" I told her agent to tell her. Her agent replied to me, "Oh dear, "minger" is SO last year."

I got Kate Hudson who has somehow got my "CELL" number and she's redialling begging for a meeting.

I left a message "You'RE TOO YOUNG, LOVE". But no, fifteen bloody calls today.

I blocked Keira, she's just pissing me off.

So sort it out!

[HonaloochieB]

Stick with it PR.

Though if you're calling Barbara Windsor a tart, then we may not be able to see eye to eye.

I don't watch Eastenders any more, so it's possible you may be referring to one of the 'soppy little tarts' that I gather populate it these days. If so, you're probably correct.

So Kate's been hovering, has she? I wouldn't dismiss her too summarily. Her mother's work on Rowan And Martin's Laugh-In was exemplary. Ah, the days when people could smoke while presenting comedy shows.

As for Keira, send her a text making a reference to 'thrice nightly'.

It's what Russell Brand would do. If he hasn't already.

[HonaloochieB]

bon3yard Wrote:

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> I think HBs switched his attention to East

> Dulwichs own Jo Brand. Now theres a real woman,

> funny and probably quite handy in a rumble.

Your thinking on these matters is excellent Bon3Yard, of course Jo Brand.

Let's keep it under wraps until we see how it goes with Madonna.

If (when) I am successfully webbed up with herself I shall of course, like the Prince Of Wales and his old man be looking for a mistress pimp, and you woulod seem to fit the bill admirably.

Consider yourself hired.

[bon3yard]

Sounds like an exciting prospect HB but my time is not my own since I committed myself to pairing up Michael Winner & Janet Street Porter. Hard work as you can do doubt guess, Porters all for it but The Chubby Food critic is less than enamoured with the idea having had his fingers burnt during the filming of a corporate video with Germaine Greer. Oof.

[HonaloochieB]

That's a sticky situation you find yourself in, Bon3Yard.

I'm glad though you mention Winner and give him the title 'food critic' rather than 'film director'.

It makes my ambitions in that direction (!) all the more feasible, as even as a novice I wouldn't make anything as shite as Death Wish 2. Not even with a gun held to my head, by Winner himself.

Seriously though, the mistress pimp offer still stands.

[bon3yard]

Am I pimping the mistresses or mistress of the pimps? The devils in the detail...

[TillieTrotter]

Sorry PR, didnt mean to dismiss you. Go for it girl.

[HonaloochieB]

bon3yard Wrote:

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> Am I pimping the mistresses or mistress of the

> pimps? The devils in the detail...

Quite right Bon3Yard, you will of course be pimping the mistresses.

And if you ever try and fob me off with anything in the Parker-Bowles style...

Let's just say your contract will be under review.

[bon3yard]

Erm, will there be a discretionary tasting session..as it were. Madge will remain unsullied of course, er out of filial respect toy yours truly, not because shes rough or owt.

[HonaloochieB]

bon3yard Wrote:

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> Erm, will there be a discretionary tasting

> session..as it were. Madge will remain unsullied

> of course, er out of filial respect toy yours

> truly, not because shes rough or owt.

Owt indeed. Unsullied of course.

Knowing you're a chef, I would of course expect you to 'taste', in order to ensure that all was well.

Naturally, I'd expect what you provided to be properly 'seasoned', as any half decent mistresss pimp would ensure.

It's only right.

[bon3yard]

Hmm, so whats in it for me?

[HonaloochieB]

A life of mistress pimping. For a generous salary. With perks.

And all that being paid for by a woman whose teeth strongly resemble those of Terry-Thomas.

Could an offer bemore attractive?