Raising boys / raising girls books - recommended?

[srisky]

Has anyone read either of these books and would you recommend them?

I have a 3.5y girl and a 1.5y old boy and despite them being raised in the same way so far (same toys, nursery, play experiences etc) they are totally stereotypical girl and boy, completely poles apart. I always thought I would raise my children equally, whatever their gender, however, apart from loving them equally, they are not the same person (sounds obvious, I know) and clearly do not have the same personality. I'm mindful of not reprimanding behaviour in one but tolerating it in the other based on their gender e.g. she mustn't climb on the table and throw toys versus let him climb on the table and throw toys, he is just being boy. But maybe I am going too much the other way and not letting my son be a boy?

Anyway, enough of my rambling thoughts, I know you can't raise a child from a book but this would be my first foray into parenting books - wold you recommend these particular titles?

Thanks!

[Pippa21]

Yes! I had a girl first and then a boy. Girl rode a bike age 9 years, boy constantly riding in circles backwards at Nursery. So many differences, and when I read Raising Boys I was so relieved. Easy to read, and explained what I could see with my own eyes.....they are different. I come from a family of 4 girls, so the book was helpful on lots of levels e.g. the idea that children in our society don't have rites of passage when they become teenagers. That really made me think, and helped us talk with our children about a goal they would like to attain when they were 13. all the best

[Mathilda]

Hi, just to say I have 2 girls, the little one is only 9 months but already much more of a scamp than the older one. My own younger sister was the same, always the one wanting to climb onto the table, throw toys, rip books etc! So it might just be a younger sibing thing...

[srisky]

Thanks both for your replies and others for your PMs.

Mathilda - yes, I thought it was a second child thing or just that they have different personalities. However, so many times people have said that 'he's boy' that I began to wonder if the differences were at least partly due to just that.

[Yak]

Hi srisky

I am skimming Raising Boys at the moment and on the whole it's a good and helpful read. I just wanted to flag up that pretty early on in the book he says that boys shouldn't go to nursery before they are 3. I resisted throwing the book across the room at this point, and muttered quite a few swear words (my son has been extraordinarily happy at nursery and outside it). It can be quite offputting and I thought it might be helpful for you to be forewarned as it sounds like your boy is at nursery too.Once you're over that bit, the rest is ok and has got some good tips.

(I don't want to open up a big debate as to the rights or wrongs of that approach btw!)

[srisky]

Yes, Yak, you are right, my son is at nursery - thanks v.much for the heads-up!

[monniemae]

I only have one child, a girl, who is so typically "a boy" that however she is dressed/introduced to people they continue to talk to her as a boy. It's been quite eye opening in terms of how much projection is involved with gendering our children. However I had read Cordelia Fine's "Delusions of Gender" before having children so am inclined to think much of this is overstated anyway, particularly any kind of claim for biological determinism. Delusions of Gender is written by a neuroscientist, she examines many of the claims made for male/female brains etc and I highly recommend it - at least read it alongside Bidulph etc so you can decide for yourself where the differences lie. Also recommend Pink Brain Blue Brain by Lise Elliot.

My little girl is incredibly loud, active, ferocious, tough etc. People remark on what a typical boy she is ALL THE TIME. If I ever bother to say "yes... actually she's a girl" then the change in tone is notable - suddenly "she's so gentle" while she thwacks the cat, or "so pretty" as she launches herself headfirst off a slide. As a boy "she's so brave/tough/etc".

I don't think this one anecdotal experience proves anything but I do see how easily I might have ascribed her behaviour / personality to her sex had she been more typically "girly" or born a boy.

Hope I haven't offended anyone! Just genuinely interested / passionate about this subject.

Also - a friend, also on the forum, attended the "Raising Boys" course at Rosendale Children's Centre and found it invaluable with suggestions for reaching her sterotypically boyish 3yr old. Will ask her to post details x