I am a locale reporteur

[Ted Max]

Hi there. I am a trainer reportee on the locale Noospeepar and would luv to here you're stories. It's great to keep in touche on these tings, especially in teh credit crucnh LOL!!

It doesn';t all hav to be murders and nife crime. Perhaps yoo have a fete or an arsonist living next door. Let me know. Good news is news two. 75% of all stories are unread, btw, so don't worree if it's not really troo, either.

PS Cld you RSVP by lunchtime, I have a dedline not like yoo layabouts.!1 Oops, only joking.

[RosieH]

I'm a monkey's uncle who's a cousin to a chimpanzee.

I was thinking of taking my story either to Jeremy Kyle or Pick Me Up magazine, but if you could get me a makeover for the photo, I'd be very happy to give you an exclusive.

[Ted Max]

Taht's grate, RosieH. If only there wuz sum way to get in toch directly hear. My number is 020 7346 8729. Arsk for me. I'm knew though, so take care1!

We can send a snapper over for the photo. Duz the chimp like tee? And wold yor nephew go on record?

This is grate. Anywun els?

[Ted Max]

No answurs already. C'mon people, I'm trying to build a communtiy hear. Get invulved a little, yoo might like it. Plz send me yr news. Haz anywun been mugged or ritually abused in Morrison's carpark?? Blow the whislte. I can pro-text your ID.

[PeckhamRose]

I saw sumeone teefing, least fink that wat it wuz. But he was teefing for my brudda who had his car nicked so he cant get ot much so not telling yu nuffink only biscits he stoal.

[Ted Max]

Grate, Rose. See tomorrow's page 6 of Friday's SE Weekender Life, we'll make me you famours!!

"Cookie Monster on the Loose"

A terrified Peckham resident (53), whose brother is housebound, is traumatised after witnessing a thief go on the rampage locally. PeckhamRose, who didn't want to be named, said, "It was terrifying. One minute there was "nuffink" and then there was "only biscuits"". The thief, who was said to be wearing a stole, made off in Rose's brother Nick's car. Police could not be contacted for comment.

Affected by this issue? Leave your comment here. Text 85679 and quote Coookie.

[Tony.London Suburbs]

Bobs My Uncle and Charleys My Aunt if you would like to construct a story around that.

Feel Free.

[Ted Max]

"Beating the bigots"

The nephew of a local same-sex couple has spoken of his pride in their relationship. Tony London, from Surbiton, told Southwark Life News that local boo-boys were way off the mark in targeting his Uncle Robert and "Aunt" Charles.

"There's no story here," he said, "everyone should "feel free" to do as they wish. In 1960s Walworth, same-sex unions were ten-a-penny, that's why I moved to Bellingham. I'm 93 you know. Have you ever been copsing? Anyone seen my m8 Terry?"

HAVE you seen Terry? Text "MYMATETERRY to 857892".

[Ant]

Could you do some sort of expos? about the dodgy TV reception in SE London? Moar info heer: http://www.frisnit.com/radar/

[HonaloochieB]

I have it on the best authority that Tracy is a slag and so is her mum.

I will protect my sources though.

[PeckhamRose]

53!!!!!!!!!!

u chekky fcku innit

[Siduhe]

Already covered by a local newspaper, but that's never stopped anyone before (you will appreciate this is just an excuse to post my favourite ever SLP headline)...

[Ted Max]

"TV PDFile probe stops man seeing double"

A Greenwich local resident who is plagued by ghost images on his TV thinks he has found out the cause of his haunting. Using a PDFile to work out local Pd values, and some maths drawings, local priest Fr Isnit has been able to exorcise the eerie double images from his TV. Isnit said that the culprit was a local Canary, that is stealing the signal from Crystal Palace FC and then sending it on later (see panel). Other local residents were said to be concerned about the existence of double TV signals, with many blaming the cold snap, as well as increased traffic in the Greenwich Foot Tunnel. A TV expert could not be invented for comment.

Do you have any PDFile stories? Please pass them on to our reporter at [email protected].

[Ted Max]

Mum's the whore

Local scientists have said that loose sexual morals are more likely to found in women whose mothers also put it about a bit.

East Dulwich man Hona Bee said that his research had uncovered proof that not only is local resident Tracy no better than she ought to be, but that her mum is a bit of a goer as well.

As yet, Hona is refusing to release the details of his research, but said that he had no reason to doubt the evidence.

You Decide: Who are the biggest strumpets 1. Mums 2. Daughters. All entries must be received.

[HonaloochieB]

This un's an eye witness account, not half an hour old.

Me and Terry right, was walking round Brixton, right? Geezer comes up right, we clock his feet, right?

He's got on a pair of flip-flops, right, with thick grey wool socks.

White they was, the flip-flops, not the grey socks.

I thought the geezer was a bit diddle-eye. Terry reckoned he was a nonce.

We both thought he was a c@nt though.

[Ted Max]

My news edotir is luving these stories, everywun. A few more and I may even get picked up by the nashionals. Don't dry up in me now, though, because he thinks I have the ears ont eh street, hur hur. More llike eyes on teh Forum, riht?

I think we shuld of run some campain. Let me know what you think. What about soemthing like about the buses, trains. It's my career your newspeeper, so get invulved.

[Ted Max]

Hona, if you have seen Terry, you should of txted the peeper with the noos. Tony London is looking for him.

I am standing your Flip Flops n Sox story up as we speak. I think it is the Loony Lambeth council giving out free flip flops to the gay clubbbers so tyhey don't brake their ankles going home. DOesn't ecsplaine the socks, tho!!

[HonaloochieB]

I say we start the Campaign for Real Airs & Graces.

When was the last time you saw someone properly snobbing it up, I find most people are so half-hearted about it these days.

When was the last time you saw proper swanning about? Or a decent look down the nose?

Not since the last time Donald Sinden was on the telly, I'll warrant.

And swanking? Don't make me chuckle, the swanker is a dying breed.

I think this one could have legs TM and you could be up there with Donald Zec.

Found out if Margo Leadbetter would agree to be the patron.

[Ted Max]

Thanks agane Hona, it seems you are the only won intersted in inertacting with the communtiyt. Come one you others, what's so hard about it? This is a two way street, after all!11!

Not sure about the CRAG campaigne thogh. My edotir gave me a funny look. Said there's enough swankers at the Dulwich Free Guardian News already. Is Margo related to David, the golf coach? The chief sub likes golf. Maybe I will arsk him.

[Ted Max]

"Light on their feet"

Clubbers at famed Brixton Gay venue The Freezer are being equipped with free socks and flip flops, enraging local residents who fear for their children's safety and waste of council taxes.

A council spokesperson didn't say, "It's cold out, and many of these guys are in danger of hurting themselves as they are not used to walking long distances on high heels. It's only sensible to see them home safe in some cosy socks and sensible flip flops. It's ?65,000 well spent in our opinion."

Local man Hona Bee told The News that he and his friend Terry had seen a man wearing the items, but were unaware as to their meaning. But immediately Bee's friend Terrence was concerned that this might be a secret code advertising the presence of a local sex criminal ring.

A local activist said that Terry was speaking a load of rubbish, but we're not going to let that stop us.

DEBATE THIS STORY ONLINE NOW: www.allthenewschatandstuff.com

[HonaloochieB]

Ted Max Wrote:

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> Thanks agane Hona, it seems you are the only won

> intersted in inertacting with the communtiyt. Come

> one you others, what's so hard about it? This is a

> two way street, after all!11!

>

> Not sure about the CRAG campaigne thogh. My edotir

> gave me a funny look. Said there's enough swankers

> at the Dulwich Free Guardian News already. Is

> Margo related to David, the golf coach? The chief

> sub likes golf. Maybe I will arsk him.

Are you saying that Margo was cheating on Gerry with the local golf pro, TM?

If the hard-nosed invesigative stories dry up maybe you could moonlight as a gossip columnist.

You could be a 3AM girl.

[LuvPeckham]

Ted, Loving these excelent local news stories

Have you noticed the number of 'incommers' to East Dulwich lately and how their twin buggies are blocking pavements and shops whils their demented brats are running amock in cafes, newsagents and sweetshops (poor old Hope and Greenwood don't stand a chance come school chucking out time)

I have also noticed increased numbers of 'nannies' being let go due to the recession - are the two relatred or seperate stories

[yourmomma]

HonaloochieB Wrote:

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> I have it on the best authority that Tracy is a

> slag and so is her mum.

> I will protect my sources though.

Lol

Think you should do one about men in parks. Everyone knows men in parks are up to no good especially when alone. Parks are for the fairer sex, children and animals.

[HonaloochieB]

TM, I know you may have 'put the paper to bed' now but I'd like you to consider this account from my associate 'Trustworthy' Kevin.

He was sitting downstairs on the 185.

You know that seat on the left (that's your left if you're sitting at the back of the bus, but your right as you're getting on), past the driver, right behind that bulkhead where people leave their shopping and other possessions.

He took his place on the aisle seat next to a heavy-set White fellow dressed in a large dark coat, with a black fedora pulled low over his eyes. Kevin noted that there was evidence that someone in the area (and Kevin is both srupulously fair and acquainted with the libel laws, so if the gentleman in question is reading this, it does not (necessarily) refer to you) had recently produced flatus.

The fellow was engrossed in a magazine. As he sat Kevin inadvertently placed himself on the skirt of the fellows coat. Naturally he shifted his weight to allow his travelling companion to retrieve his garment, but with barely a glance in his direction the man continued perusing his magazine.

Kevin nodded, looked away and then gave a double-take worthy of Oliver Hardy when he realised the magazine was a brand-new looking copy of 'June And School Friend', he thinks the date was 1967.

Somewhat rattled he opened his own magazine (Somerfield giveaway if that's important) and was soon whisked away on an imaginary spending spree of discount vouchers.

As the bus broached the top of Dog Kennel Hill, the driver drove his heel suddenly onto the brake pedal just to jerk his passengers out of their sense of complacency and to see to it they wouldn't be lapsing into a comfort zone if he (Ronnie Featherstonehaugh) had anything to do with it.

It was then that Kevin noticed the slightly hunched female figure with her back to him.

Her faded tweed coat, fingerless gloves, numerous bags and uncertain balance all informed Kevin that here was someone whose need of a seat was greater than his.

It was the work of a moment for him to spring to his feet, politely tap her shoulder and utter the words 'Take a seat, luv'.

She turned away from him with a muttered 'thanks' and took the seat.

Kevin taking pity on the old woman (and knowing it wouldn't cost him anything) proferred his copy of the Somerfield magazine, at which the recipient of his largesse gave a tart "Sod off"

Kevin looked, rubbed his eyes (again reminiscent of the late Oliver Hardy) and found himself looking into the clear eyes and unblemished, unwrinkled complexion of... FEARNE COTTON.

Straight away he denouneunced her as a fraud and demanded his seat back. She cool as some cucumbers, reached into one of her bags and retrieved an open can of Special Brew which she proceeded to chug-a-lug.

Kevin informed the driver that there was an illegal act taking place.

The driver radiod his control centre for advice and was patched through direct to the mayor.

The whole of the lower deck heard those familiar fruity tones instruct the driver "Look, old top, hang a quick left at Northcross, go see Daz at Panther and tell him to pour her in a cab to mine. You get any objections reversing back onto Lordship Lane, tell 'em Boz said it's cool"

Kevin reckons that the line to take on this one, is the driver using his radio while the bus was in motion.

He points out that current Human Rights legislation means that anyone holding a driving licence can be fined for just playing Tetris on their mobile phone while under the duvet in their spare bedroom.

This might have the makings of a campaign as well.

Come on, let's get this juggernaut up and running

I wonder if Jon Gaunty-Gaunt or Carole 'Mal' One might want to throw their weight in front of it?

[giggirl]

HonaloochieB Wrote:

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> Kevin taking pity on the old woman (and knowing it

> wouldn't cost him anything) proferred his copy of

> the Somerfield magazine, at which the recipient of

> his largesse gave a tart "Sod off"

Just Margo fallen on hard times. No need to rub it in. Credit crunch and all that.