"Normal behaviour" for a child

[Tallulahdoesthehula]

Hi all,

Just looking for some opinions following a conversation I had with my mum.

Whilst visiting with his parents and brothers, one of my nephews (age 8) went up to my son's (age 4) bedroom whilst my son wasn't there. He was with his 3 year old brother allegedly supervising him.

I went upstairs to check on them and found the 3 year old playing with the train set table, the 8 year old was in the ensuite with the light off and the door ajar, he was in there the whole time I was upstairs which I thought odd but wasn't concerned.

My own children came home and they all went into the garden to play.

When my son went to get ready for bed he came downstairs very irate wanting to know who had opened his sealed in the box chocolate rabbit and eaten it's ears! This was a chocolate rabbit he had from Easter (the last Easter egg he had left). As suspected it was my 8 year old nephew.

I was disapointed in my nephew for doing such thing at all let alone to his cousin half his age, my mum however defended my nephew and claimed any child would do the same.

My eldest two are 5 and 4 and I am certain they wouldn't.....

Am I unreasonable to expect more?

[nunheadmum]

I was certain my kids wouldn't either - until I discovered they'd munched through all of daddy's secret chocolate stash!

I did expect more and told them in no uncertain terms. But at the same time I appreciated that self control is a difficult skill to learn if you are confronted with something that tempts you. And no one had expressly said that they couldn't eat it. So maybe a little bit of boundary testing. I think the test is more whether, now knowing that it's wrong beyond doubt, they don't do it again.

[astrid83]

Maybe I'm setting the bar a bit low but I would thinks at completely normal. I remember my brother at ALL our chocolate treats one Christmas, we found the empty wrappers in his bedroom.

[Tallulahdoesthehula]

It's not the first time he has done something like this, I think it was the hiding out in a darkened bathroom part, that would imply he knows it's wrong.

My son took it all very well to be fair to him, I just felt sorry for him and was more annoyed with my mum for claiming it was my sons fault for still having an

Easter egg after all this time and apparently he should have put it somewhere safe. Poor lad wasn't even home and it was in his bedroom!

Conversely, my parents take a very strict line when it comes to my son, seemingly forgetting he is only 4. Sigh

Only had a baby a week ago so probably hormonal ;)

My nephews are great by the way and I have a good relationship with them.

[Otta]

TOTALLY normal IMO. And I wouldn't linger on the fact he did it to his younger cousin, he's not really old enough to think of it in that way, he just saw chocolate and worked ouit a way to eat it.

My 3 year old daughter has been known to take things she shouldn't and go off and hide whilst she eats them. She's too young to be a good liar and will always admit her crimes, but I fully expect her to get more devious.

I don't think it means he'll grow up to be a psycho or anything.

[Tanza]

My parents ate all my Quality Street chocs I'd been given (not by them) one Xmas. I was 11 and thought I'd save them and open them on Christmas Day. But when I did, I found there were only wrappers left. My parents thought it was hilarious and said I should have hidden them if I didn't want anyone to eat them. So very normal behaviour in my book.

[Mrs TP]

I think it is quite naughty behaviour but not abnormal. I would be quite cross if any of my kids 'stole' from each other in this way (even my youngest age 6) and especially if a visiting 8yr old cousin did it. I would expect better. I doubt he would have wandered into your kitchen and helped himself to whatever. Just chancing his arm he wouldn't be caught and so aware it is wrong.

Not worth pursuing and causing a fuss but would defo be on guard around him in the future and would be say 'no you are not allowed to play in the bedroom without your son being there' or even 'no we'll bring some toys down'. Hopefully, his mum has told him off afterwards and it will be a one off.

Sounds like your mum just wants to smooth things over and not have a fuss.

Bad behaviour but let it go don't dwell on it.

[midivydale]

Although obviously upsetting for your 4yr old, the behaviour itself sounds completely normal to me.

[Pickle]

Tricky. In my opinion, it's very naughty and an 8 year old should know better - my eldest is 8.5 and I am confident he wouldn't do something like that. But I fully appreciate that every family has different boundaries and parenting styles.

[Pickle]

Thinking about it more - if one of my kids did this, I'd be making them buy a replacement from their own money. Maybe I'm a mean Mum, but I think it's important that they know it's wrong to take things from other people. At what age do you stop waving it off as "normal"?

[midivydale]

Yes agree pickle, I would also make them buy it back with their own money. What I meant was, even though naughty it was not an "abnormal" behaviour as such. Clearly though, such behaviour should have a consequence (IMO).

[Tallulahdoesthehula]

I agree with you Pickle, I'm not sure if that will happen, suspect not to be honest.

Whilst I don't believe my kids would do this, if they did there would be a consequence and replacing with their own money is a good one. I certainly wouldn't laugh it off.

My sister is aware and as far as I am concerned that's it. When he comes again though I will make sure he knows he is no longer allowed in my kids bedrooms when they are not here, which, at least is a consequence in itself.

[Gardenia]

Honestly, I'd be horrified if my 4 year old (girl, if that makes a difference) behaved like this. My parenting is on the stricter end of the scale admittedly. I do agree that all kids behave badly from time to time (mine included), and this is obviously one of those occasions that needs firm words, an apology to your son and an appropriate punishment from your sister.

I wouldn't expect your Mum to take sides, but how frustrating that she is condoning what is clearly unacceptable behaviour. Unless she thinks your nephew is somehow justified in taking whatever he pleases from others with no consequence, my opinion is that she should either stay out of it or gently reinforce the message that she expects considerate and fair behaviour from all her grandchildren.

I'm not surprised you came to the forum for a second opinion!

[Otta]

Just for the record, I (and I don't think anyone else) was not suggesting that this behaviour is acceptable when I said I thought it was normal.

It's clearly very naughty and he should be told off (like the idea of a replacement from his pocket money).

It's just the way I read the OP I thought it was asking whether this behaviour is so abnormal that it could suggest a bigger issue, and I don't think it does.

My cousin and I tried stealing some sweets from a shop once when we were around that age. Her mum found out, we got a bad telling off, and we learnt our lesson. Neither of us went on to a life of crime.

[Monkey]

My father ate my aunt's Easter chicken. That was a good 60 years ago! Kids will be kids. They should be told off for it and made to replace what they've taken though.

On another note, my mother in law recently ate all my chocolate. Now that's a bit more worrying!

[Tallulahdoesthehula]

I think 'normal' maybe not the right word to use, it was my mum's words.

Her opinion was that what he did is what any child would have done in the same situation. I know damn well she wouldn't have accepted such behaviour from me at that age.

My question wasn't that I thought he may be heading down the wrong path in life but more whether what he did should have been expected and any other child of that age would have done the same in that

Situation. I don't think they would .......

I don't have experience of 8 year olds to know what to expect / not expect.

[LondonMix]

That behaviour is not to be accepted in an 8 year old though again its also not a warning sign of some deeper issue. It should be punished in some way rather than brushed off. I get the sense though that your post is more about your frustration that your mother doesn't treat the grandchildren (and perhaps you and your sister) equally and dismisses you and your family's concerns / feelings.

You can tell her the majority on the forum think the behaviour is worthy of a telling off but maybe that's actually besides the point. Whatever you do, don't let something like this tarnish your relationship with your nephew when it seems you are really upset with your mum... The kids are in fact behaving normally (perfectly normal children are sometimes naughty after all).

[womanofdulwich]

Am I the only person to think how could your son not have eaten all his Easter eggs by Easter Monday????

I think thats pretty unusual!!

[Monkey]

What London Mix says... Some children are naughtier than others and will do things like that. I like to think my daughter wouldn't but you never know.

As far as grandparents are concerned, I wouldn't put it past ours not to react in the same way as your mother. They are either too chilled out or too strict - I never know what to expect. I stopped listening to them a long time ago.

You should have a word with your sister if anything.

[Tallulahdoesthehula]

womanofdulwich Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Am I the only person to think how could your son

> not have eaten all his Easter eggs by Easter

> Monday????

> I think thats pretty unusual!!

:)

Paternal Granny is Irish, big family who all buy the kids Easter eggs!!!

[Tallulahdoesthehula]

LondonMix Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> That behaviour is not to be accepted in an 8 year

> old though again its also not a warning sign of

> some deeper issue. It should be punished in some

> way rather than brushed off. I get the sense

> though that your post is more about your

> frustration that your mother doesn't treat the

> grandchildren (and perhaps you and your sister)

> equally and dismisses you and your family's

> concerns / feelings.

>

> You can tell her the majority on the forum think

> the behaviour is worthy of a telling off but maybe

> that's actually besides the point. Whatever you

> do, don't let something like this tarnish your

> relationship with your nephew when it seems you

> are really upset with your mum... The kids are in

> fact behaving normally (perfectly normal children

> are sometimes naughty after all).

Very perceptive :)

My nephew is great and I wouldn't dream of letting something so minor ruin the relationship we have with him. My kids love their big cousins and they all play really well together.

My irritation is directed at my mum for thinking it was funny and not something that my nephew should have been told off and punished for.

I didn't actually discuss it with her at the time, it happened to come up in conversation the next day (think one of the kids mentioned it the next day when nana and grandad visited).

At the time it happened I did mention it to my sister, all is fine there. My annoyance is my mums attitude to it!

I agree it's best to ignore some of the ridiculous opinions grandparents come out with ......... I do try but it's hard!! :)

[Otta]

If one of the kids brought it up, MAYBE (and obviously I have no idea) your mum didn't want to sound too strict in front of them?

[landsberger]

No, this is neither "normal behaviour" for a child or indeed a "normal" parent.

Frankly, one assumes that the 8 year old's mum would defend him if he did anything at all. It would be a while till I visited that family again. No child of mine would get away with that kind of behaviour. Our next door neighbour but one has a nightmare child who spends most of his time throwing kitchenware, crockery, toys, and anything within reach on the floor, and the mum doesn't do anything 'because it upsets him when I tell him off'. Borders, anyone ?

I pity the school the child goes to and any teacher trying to instill any element of discipline in the poor mite, without a visit from the mum.

[Otta]

Way to slag of the OP's sister. Good job.

[Saffron]

At first I thought so too, Otta. Then I thought landsberger might have posted on the wrong thread on accident. Finally I decided to give landsberger the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people come across as rude without meaning to do so. I decided to reread the post as an ironic postmodern commentary styled with dark humour. I spat my handcrafted flatwhite across my bespoke high gloss keyboard with laughter, nearly ruining my slice of freshly baked lime and caraway black forest sourdough malt loaf! Never lose those rose-tinted glasses, landsberger. They suit you! xx