Sibling jealousy

[astrid83]

Our second child was born January this year and is now 9

Months old. Our toddler was 19 months when he became a big brother and is now 28

Months. He is very jealous and aggressive to the baby and I'm wondering if anyone here has been through the same and when will it get better? Today for example, it's just gone 6 am

And he has already made the baby bleed

By scratching his face....

He pinches and scratches, pushes him over. I've tried teaching him "gentle hands" and to stroke nicely which works for a bit, but if I'm not watching he always hurts him. He can't stand if the baby is making any noise,

And that's when the pinching normally occurs. He is not interested in helping out or being involved....

I try to give him as much 1:1 time as

I can, I still let him be a baby, I still carry him in the sling if he wants to etc...

It's so hard - will it get better? Is this behaviour "normal"?

My two year old doesn't talk yet which makes the whole thing even

More difficult.

[Convex]

hello,

we didnt have extreme jealousy here but i found the book 'sibling rivalry' helpful. 2y3mo age gap.

also partly bumping so hopefully someone with more experience will be along shortly x

[goldilocks]

Hi Astrid.

I don't have experience of extreme jealousy although do have an almost 2 year gap between mine. I've been lucky in that my eldest has always been amazingly good with his little sister, but I had a couple of thoughts on your post - you may already be doing these (so apologies if I'm stating the obvious!)

1. you say your 2 year old isn't talking yet -I assume you've spoken to your health visitor about this - but if you're not already going to them, the chattertime sessions - used to be at Bessemer children's centre and a few other places are a good place to go. If you have a nice health visitor you could also chat to them about any advice re the rivalry.

2. Find a way of never leaving them together when you're not watching - get a playpen and use it for either one of them if you need to leave the room / stick the 9mo in a sling / whatever works really.

Hopefully it will be a phase - most things are!

[Bluecat5]

My daughter was 21 months when my son was born and almost every day would try to push or poke her brother. She didn't seem to dislike him exactly, but she knew that would get my instant attention. She was also not at all interested in helping. She was able to talk - I remember her saying things like 'mummy, I bang baby....'

I dealt with it by never leaving them alone (as far as possible), giving her lots of praise for positive interactions and only giving the baby lots of attention when she wasn't around (in the morning before she woke up, during her nap time etc.)

She stopped when my son was around 18 months old and could poke her back!

Now they are 3 and 5 - they play together for hours and love being around each other - that started when my son was two and half and could talk well enough to for them to get stuck into role play games together.

I'm sure things will get better but hope you find the patience to deal with it in the meantime - I empathise

[astrid83]

Thank you Blue cat, I'm glad I'm not alone! And I'm glad your daughter grew out of it. We've had some improvement this week but cuddles and gentle strokes turns in to a push as soon as I'm not watching!

[Saffron]

It sounds like totally normal behaviour for the age to me. With such a small age gap, as others suggest, I think things will improve as soon as your baby is a little older (walking, talking, poking back!). However, just to add that if things really get worse or don't improve, you may want to look for more substantial help.

My brother is ~5 years older than I am, and he has been negative towards me from the earliest days. Possibly because of the age gap, and other problems that he has (ADD, possible autism or oppositional disorder), he never overcame this negativity. I cannot speak to him or be around him at all, even as an adult, because his behaviour instantly becomes quite manipulative and verbally abusive. It's a great sadness that a better, deeper intervention wasn't made with his behaviour in late childhood, before the patterns became ingrained. I think things could have been very different if part of his treatment had included not only supporting his ADD (which my parents did do), but also acknowledging his bully sibling behaviour and consistently intervening to stop/correct it (which my parents didn't do.)

The ED Forum is a wealth of knowledge from people with very diverse backgrounds. I hope you find excellent advise and support here. xx

[acb2013]

We had similar (2.5 year age gap), especially when I was feeding. As I was exhausted as well I found it pretty upsetting that my older daughter wanted to hurt my younger, so yes it is really hard. Sounds as if you're doing all the right things - showing how to be gentle, not leaving them alone, extra attention where you can etc. Have you also spent 'special' time away from the baby with your older one if you can? Quick trip to the park or cafe? I also had picture books about having a new baby and how it feels to be a big brother/sister. I had toys in every room so when keeping the little one with me there was always something to entertain either of them. Huge amounts of praise for the older one when she was gentle & kind. I can't remember the exact point at which it got better, gradual improvement really, but now (3&5) they play brilliantly together (most of the time!), are very protective of each other & my elder daughter is very proud of her little sister especially around friends without younger siblings. Hang in there!

[tarafitness]

I don't have direct experience of this myself because there's a 17.5 year age gap between my two, but I'm worried about the same thing myself because my toddler (22 months) is still quite a high needs child and I'm not sure how he'd cope with sharing me with another child!

We're still breastfeeding with the aim to let him self wean, which I can't see happening any time soon. This in itself isn't a problem, but I can't see us having any success with tandem feeding! When I go and pick him up at nursery, if there's ever another child who even attempts to come near me, he'll push them away angrily (it's quite embarrassing!).

A friend of mine had children quite close together, and the older girl would exhibit the behaviour you describe. Her mum was terrified to leave them together. However, there came a distinct power shift when he started walking and becoming more able to fight back. They now get on tremendously well, and have done so for a while (she'll be 3 beginning of next year, he's just turned 2). They share a room, keep each other really well entertained and play beautifully together. It's such a transformation, which will no doubt happen for you :-)

I really like the Aha! Parenting site, and they have a good comprehensive section regarding siblings.

Tara

[snowboarder]

You know, I'd almost forgotten but my eldest was a bit of a horror when his little brother was born (he was 22m). I can remember having to try and surreptitiously feed the baby and always did a massive feed whilst he was napping. Now it has improved in that they are pretty close - but they still fight all the time! They don't really dislike each other but it's almost like fighting is their way of playing. It's wearing but bearable (just) - they are now 6 and 4. I think I just went along with it, made a fuss of the baby when the eldest was at pre school and made a fuss of the eldest when he was home. And just tried to keep the baby as safe as possible....pretty soon the youngest started fughting back and he's pretty fearsome....he had to be!

[landsberger]

My nephew and niece - 9 (G) and 5 (B) year olds respectively have had (and continue to have) issues around this - she reacted really badly when he was born, but didn't actually start scrapping with him until he was capable of fighting back ! She would whine every time he was cuddled or praised - she burst into tears when it was his birthday and demand presents (I kid you not!) and throws a strop if she wasn't given exactly the same food and drink (and quantities) as he was.

She's mellowed with time but still has a strong sense of life being "unfair". All the strategies here are worth pursuing - I just wish my sister-in-law had pursued them with the same vigour.