dulwichmum

Smiles at the wonderful Miss Polly Dorner, and heads off to straighten hair in the rest room.

Notices splashing noises from outside. Looks out the window to see Miss Polly Dorner swimming athletically dozens of lengths of the pool. Smoothes down hair, wishes that hair did not frizz up in water.

Oh, I see. Thanks Mr Batdog.

Darlings you are just so appreciative. How could I not look after such wonderful chums?

Dear Clare, I know! One Sunday morning, Max said he wanted to 'scoot' for pain au chocolat from the patisserie in the village (forgive my spelling please as it is so late), and my mother became more than animated - with 'it is far from pain au chocolat your mother was raised', and she gave him a full fifteen minute discription of bread and dripping type breakfasts - disgusting. She has such a short memory, she used to make me Readybrek with smarties in it. The other thing that makes her give the kids a lecture is when they order 'babychino' type chocolate milk from the lovely girls in Cafe Rouge - who know that this is the childrens special code for immitation cappacino. 'Your mother had tea - like a normal child' she tells them - and this is true, she would put it in our bottles - I remember that actually. I remember hearing that tea for a baby or child under five years old inhibits iron absorbtion - and I realised why I had always been such a pale child. Mothers - who would have them? They are lovely really though.

Dear Mr Ant, I find it impossible to imagine too! Have you seen the size of recent divorce settlements? If James ever tried to leave me with his pots of cash - perhaps he would end up destitute, but not me, dear heart, not me! (Te he). It is just as well I love him so much really.

Dear Mr Mark, I am sorry not to be sharper - it has been a long day. My mother-in-law has been giving me earache. Very funny.

Dear Mrs Katgod, I just woke up the au pair when I was staggering about in the garden (her flat is on top of the garage). My word she is a big girl - and in the dark, quite scarey. I promise to check first thing tomorrow evening after work. I am sure I bought it in that DIY shop near Dulwich Plough. You are right to point out too that there is never any call for instant coffee.

Dear Mrs Katgod, Have you ever considered living in West Dulwich? I shall check in the garage right now for the name of that product and get back to you asap. Now, where did I put my torch and wellington boots?

Dear Mr Mark, Forgive me, what is a Rizona?

Dear Mrs Katgod, Yes indeedy, we have foxes. We bought some 'Seldane' or some product with a similar name (there is some left in the garage I think) and it saw them off! They had a proper little burrow thingy they were building in our back garden, and our neighbours told us that it would be impossible to shift them as they had been around for longer than anyone can remember. It worked ever so well though, and they have gone. I only see foxes trotting about the place now, not burrowing and howling in the garden. Piddle in the garden is not the answer I can assure you. There is never any excuse for such unsanitary behaviour. It should be stamped out.

Really? Is it any good?

You dirty dogs, this would never happen in West Dulwich you know! We even eat asparagus over here without any alterior motive.

Yes Mr Bald Marauder, there for the grace of God go I. Please Mr Snorky - don't refer to anyone as Skagheads.

I saw James Nesbit in Blue Mountain, and on Whatley Road, and in Sainsburys and in the park with his beautiful daughters and on the cover of the News of the World - grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Dear Ms Shambles, James and I have been rolling about laughing at this! We even danced to it in the end. We have made a pact to buy this recording, and play it at the Max and Freya's weddings, so that we can dance in the manner of this man 'Matt' in order to appropriately embarass the children. It is a key part of growing older - to have parents who dance badly at events of significance - don't you agree? Thank you so much for this clip - it has made our evening.

Dear Ms Shambles, You are so cosmo! I am so bloomin square - I think the last CD I bought was Take That, and I love it. I am showing my age.........

'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph - an excellent read for anyone with a son!

Perfect, see you in there

That shop opposite the Soup Dragon with all of the buckets outside is always good for a 99p type bargain - em...er... so my au pair tells me.........

Well, that seems to be the assumption that Mr Fractionator is working with! I would not like to a spend summer evening at barbeques in his garden. He makes East Dulwich sound like the set for a Borat movie. Mr Fractionator will be marrying his sister next and driving an ice cream van up Lordship Lane with a bear in the back! Mr Mockney Piers, please assure me that I misread that original post of his?

Looks up delighted to see Mr Keef and my lost appliance. Mouths the words 'Thank you' and smiles. Checks Blackberry for text or email messages from husband James who has skidaddled to Cheltenham National Hunt Festival 'Its work darling, you know I won't enjoy myself'. No messages - grrrrrrrrrrr. Takes briming hot latte to friend Mr Keef by poolside. Changes into multi coloured 'Pucci' one piece swim suit, straw hat and sunglasses. Mischeviously cans the pool side for Mr Batdog.

Dear Fractionater, Did I read that correctly? You piddled in a bucket and left it in the middle of your garden all night? Mother of God, Dulwich is going down hill. Surely there is a product you can buy? The fox was probably disgusted at your lack of an indoor privy. This would never be allowed in West Dulwich. You would be expected to apply for a special license from the Dulwich Estates, and just asking for a license for that - would merit the reposession of your home. Disgraceful! Please Mr Fractitioner, assure me your residence is nowhere near Alleyn Road?

Arrives, avec au pair and half dozen Starbucks vente latte's. Scans floor for lost Blackbery - type mobile phone appliance. Sits down, dismisses serf, applies Clarins hand cream, admires newly waxed legs. Wonders where Mr Batdog is? Applies lip salve.

I bet they open it where Walsh the glaziers was, how would that suit everyone?