dulwichmum

Dear Mr Mikewbate, If you ask me you are far too pre-occupied with the thought of breasts and 'wet nursing' than could possibly be healthy. Shame on you. I am sure there is a name for that kind of thing, and if you were in Latvia - you could well end up on a ducking stool. I never allow my au pair to be scantily clad - not while there is breath in my body and my husband has a pulse and an enormous bank balance. Ana has a lovely little box room on top of the garage, - why when the moon is full and she can see the light shining through the tiles - it is almost as good as a window (when it is not raining). Ana is here to improve her English and for that reason - I speak to her and even text her on occasion. I actually pay her ?2.42 per hour before deductions for board and lodging - and as I am sure you will agree the cost of living in London is outragous. Yes, I occasionally require her to work over and above her agreed 68 hours per week, and I sometimes pay her literally dozens of pence extra for the inconvenience caused. Your description of the poor girl bearing me on her back to Blue Mountain Cafe is nothing but a cruel manufactured slur. I never drink anything but Starbucks coffee, and that is why I was on her back - it is a long walk from my house to North Dulwich Station - where we caught the train to London Bridge. I sat on the seats on the train for the duration of the train journey. Any more of that slander and I will see you in court! Ana is delighted with her position in my wonderful home, she is a girl of few needs and simple tastes, why all that she wants from life is to marry a man who owns his own donkey. Mr Mikewbate, if you consider yourself to be that man, keep it to yourself for the next six months, I want to get at least a year out of this girl before she is (burned out) ready to leave my employ. I'm watching you. Who do you think you are? Martin Luthor Bate?

How are you married to Dave? I don't follow...

Ha, ha, ha.

Mother of God!

You are right Mr Mikewbate - it is just that Mr Batdog sounds so very attractive, and he really knows how to cheer a girl up.

Flashes dirty look at Mr Mikewbate for eating toffees too loudly. Looks on in horror as Mr Mikewbate finds it impossible to keep his false teeth in place while chewing toffee.

Mr Mikewbate, you are being beastly to my favourite pet! I should not be surprised if Mr Batdot turned out to be a large manly .... man! Capable of fisticuffs!

Dear Mr Batdog, What Keef says is true, every word. I am reclined here on a chaise in the Lounge, with my heart all a flutter. I feel so very fragile indeed! I am sure my ailment is of a cardiac nature...

Wow Mark..., Mr Mockney Piers and I are famous!

Us parents avec enfants are the lifeblood of the coffee drinking establishments in Dulwich...clearly!

Dear Mr Mikewbate, If Mr Batdog were around he would take you to task for that ungentlemanly behaviour! Shame on you. If you lot are not using your gardens as urinal - you are using poor Martha for your own titilation!

Oh dear! I was really hoping that he was a rather handsome James Bond type super hero lookalike character. I wonder what has happened to him. He appears to have disappeared! I miss him...

Dear Mr Bald Marauder, You don't suppose he is really a dog afterall do you?

Dear Mr Bald Marauder, You impress me as the best type of daddy!

I am very concerned, has anyone seen Mr Batdog? Perhaps he has malaria, or is in quarantine or something... I shall not sleep until I know he is safe!

Yes, indeed Mr Bald Marauder, My husband is completely indifferent. He prefers rugby and a copy of the FT.

Dear Mr Bald Marauder, I am not sure which I would prefer less; a husband who considers the entire garden to be his personal urinal or a howling fox? You boys, you are outragous! And this thread could be read by the Parish Priest as well...

Darling Mr Holdsworth, Midweek Fenwick is my favourite form of shopping!!!(although I am a little partial to the House of Fraser across London Bridge - but there is no-where in there to get a glass of champagne and that just takes the good out of it) How did you know? I love to try on hats and the underwear in there - well...what can I say? I should just invite Mr Batdog along - I have found another soul mate!

Darling Mr Holdsworth, Some of the best parents around Dulwich are vintage parents! Why my own grandfather had his final son in his 60's. I am sure you will make a terrific daddy. Can I come and help you choose an appropriate parambulator? I just love shopping!

Here, here!

Dear Chartwell, My mother is a religous zealot the like of which could make Osama Bin Laden look like a flakey crack smoking pole dancer. If I was to spend any time digesting (in any manner) her little book, I am afraid I would end up quoting psalms like her. I am a dreadful daughter, and a huge disappointment to her as I married a protestant. 'It will end in tears' - she said to me in the porch of the church on my wedding day. Cheerful soul!

Dear Mr Keef, You sound like a lovely son. I am sure your mum is very proud.

Feels much better - smiles to self as realises how well her friends know her. Gives Ms Polly Dorner kiss on the nose...

Accepts cream soda gratefully, stands up and gives big hug to Mr Keef and Mr Mockney Piers. Sits back down and blows nose in enormous disposable tissue.

Opens both wonderful bottles of wine. Puts a straw in each, hands one to Mr Huguenot. Thinks to self, if I'm going to break my Lenten alcohol abstinence - I'll do it properly...