dulwichmum

You lovely man. If you want to take Mrs Ant out for mothers day, my au pair is the kindest and gentlest girl - she is great with babies. Send me a PM and I will babysit for you myself. No doubt I am at home tomorrow night myself.

Dear Mr Ant, How is that tiny baby of yours? Aren't you a lovely daddy?... (I really don't mean that patronisingly) - to sort the bottle out for junior when you have had a night out with friends, and again this morning. Well done! My daddy was like you - I will always value the time he took with us as little ones. You are doing a great thing. Children need to see their daddy involved, and I am sure your wife is exhausted and really values the support. There you are up again this morning, no doubt with a hangover - making another feed, I am filling up (with tears!!)...

Ana (au pair) fineally finishes damp dusting, looks around and scrapes long blonde hair back in elastic band. Mutters Latvian swear words under breath but smiles when thinks of extra ?4.20 in weekly pay packet. Picks up mop and Dyson and trundles out the door.

I think it would be a laugh if we all copied eachothers appraisal documents. We all seem to be doing the same thing when we are on here! You must be working hard Mr AndrewDBlack, we haven't had the benefit of your witty conversation for a while. I think I would like to copy your appraisal document more than anyone elses - it could be very impressive!

I am disgusted that I didn't get to come to meet you all. You sound like a lovely daddy Mr Ant. The 16th was the only date I couldn't do. Whenever you all get out of bed, has anyone got any photos? Happy St Patricks day folks!

Walks elegantly into quiet room (looking remarably refreshed). Gestures to au pair who follows with Dyson vacuum cleaner and Marigolds. Plumps cushion on aubergine velvet armchair by the window. Scoops Batdog from enormous handbag, pets on head, kisses on nose and places on cushion. Leaves quietly as au pair gets on with tidying up.

No, no, no. This is a slippery slope, as a chum pointed out earlier, it will be instant coffee next, and before you know it we will be sending children up chimneys!

I am working on my appraisal - I hate all that bloomin wordy jargonistic rubbish.......... Justifying my existance here.

I love the article.

Stands up, grabs handbag, rummiges about looking for the telephone number of the local 'King of Botox', finds damp Mr Batdog sitting on cushion in bag. Locates phone number, begins dialing while running for door with small pet in one hand and enormous handbag in the other, wonders if she needs her hi-lights touched up also and perhaps a spray tan?

Wakes up with a start, finds Mr Ant lying face down in cleavage. Picks up the mobile phone from coffee table to summon the Gendarmes. Becomes aware of darling Mr Batdog growling in the corner. Recoils in horror as feisty Mr Batdog leaps onto the seat of Mr Ants trousers. Poor sweet Mr Ant runs to swimming pool with small dog attached to bottom and leaps in. Smiles to self and admires red toe polish. Goes to changing room to collect some towels for the boys when they stop fighting. Heads out to swimming pool.

Come on Shambles - whats the story?

Finds copy of Playboy in SE21 magazine! Glances around the room - observes blusing Mr Mikewbate, and gives filthy look. Stands up slowly and walks accross the room to Mr Mikewbate, hands over reading material and large cup of coffee. Whispers laughing 'You saucey devil'. Smiles and returns to seat. Sits down and rubs Clarins hand cream into hands. Picks up copy of 'Elle deco'.

Fair enough.

Arrives for the morning avec coffee(s) and au pair. Places small bowl of water on the floor, and cushion in handbag - awaits Mr Batdog. Smiles to self and settles into big velvet armchair by the window. Picks up copy of SE21 magazine.

Renardine! That is what we used, and it worked. I just found it in the garage. Yes you probably need to re-apply it two or three times and it smells rather bad, but over the course of about four to six weeks it works. It was rather miraculous. But Spymum is right, it smells dreadful. I suppose, being Spring, the weather is cold and you have your windoes closed so the smell should not come into the house. Clearly - you should instruct your staff to apply it, and perhaps stay at your club in town until the whole smelly business is over with, but it works in the end!

Wow, Amelie, well done! That repellent fluid soaked through sharp builders sand is what worked for us. It is marvellous, no random piddling around the garden required - by anyone.

Texts au pair to get herself in here asap with damp duster and a mop...........

Dear Batdog, What were you saying?

Dear Fish, Are you calling sweet Mr Mikewbate a peasant?

You boys should have a show on TV. You make me week with laughter.

Dear Ms Shambles, My word we are just exhausted. James and I have been dancing with the children to that youtube clip you put on last night. What a laugh we have had! And to think I was going to a parenting course to take the arguements out of bed time... Thanks for making our evenings fun. DMx

Well spotted Ms Shambles!

My word, this line of conversation is all rather base!

Dear Mr Fish, Clearly you are a man, and have no understanding of the value of diamonds! Why else do you think a woman would go through the pain of childbirth? Men who are married live longer, have nicer supper's and have substantially more attractive and cleaner homes than men who are not. Why if it was not for the jewellery - I don't imagine many women would be prepared to take on a man. It is such a laborious task!