dulwichmum

Steps out from behind folded Japanese screen wearing white Calvin Klein Bikini and red nail polish. Removes large white rimmed Stella McCartney sunglasses and places on card table next to chums. Runs fingers through long glossy (currently dark and certainly never a hint of red) hair. Smiles and accepts cold glass of iced water from Ana the au pair, slides into hot tub in demure manner. Sighs and breaths aroma of relaxing bath oils deeply.

Kelly Brook had a house on Elfindale Road. Is she still living there? Perhaps she has had to sell it in order to pay for the enormous amounts of Botox she us currently using. She is starting to look like she has been trapped in a wind tunnel! Mr Batdog is surely more attractive than Mr Bedingfield, and I am sure his gutters are regularly cleared of any debris...

Dear Mr Fractionator, Please do ask your sister, and please beg her for me to make them change their mind if they are thinking of closing our wonderful oasis. I feel like making a plackard and getting my au pair to wear it outside Sainsbury's, I really feel strongly about this. Not as strongly as I did when I personally marched against the invasion of Iraq - clearly, but similar... (Please bear with me on this, I admit I am terribly superficial. Superficial, but passionate when the occasion calls for it)

I hope she goes to prison forever, have you seen how she styles that poor child's hair? A crime requiring a long stint behind bars!

Dear Mr Chartwell and Clare, If you ask me that boy needs more exercise. He is looking rather portly and should really eat more fruit and try to avoid pastry. He does look smug, but that will change. Some of the residents of Alleyn Road have had enough of his cavalier attitude to the maintenace of his guttering, and a letter should be winging its way to him from the Dulwich Estates imminently. He can dance around what way he likes on Top of the Pops, but here in SE21 we don't piddle in our gardens or allow our homes to fall into disrepair.

Look at the quote at the bottom of the article now from MikeyB! Mr Batdog you are famous... Come back Mr Batdog, we all miss you. http://property.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/property/article1521914.ece

I believe she lives with him. She buys a lot of clothes in Eclipse on Park Hall Road. She should really take her Ipod off sometimes and tie her hair back. She has a very pretty face. Perhaps Mr Fractionater you could suggest that she paints the guttering and you could hold the ladder. Her brother is looking rather portly lately, and a ladder would surely collapse with the strain...

Dear UJ64, In my experience, Moo too and Mad Cow on Park Hall Road, can get the same the same stock, and are much more gracious. Maggie has accepted all manner of returned items from me, and she has been a complete star about everything, from coffee machines to clothing. It makes me commited to independent shop holders (Starbucks the exception...clearly).

Dear Keef, I like the sound of that, DM on the forum - Dulwich Mum on the blog! Hurrah, I am thus Christened!!!

He is my neighbour darlings, he lives here in Alleyn Road SE21. I do wish he would paint his guttering, and he needs a jolly good shave too!

Sits down next to Mr Mockney Piers. Puts straw in gin bottle - takes a long slurp. Whispers to Mr Mockney to ask if he can explain the rules...

Drat! I missed it...

Passes urgent note to Ms Polly Dorner: "Never buy any other wedding magazine - only Martha Stewart Weddings from WH Smith in Victoria - you will see why when you buy it, please????" Smiles to self as remembers organising great roller coaster of a wedding extravaganza in only six months. Sobers up suddenly at thought of organising a fabulous party...

But could an independent guarantee the exact same deep velvet aubergine armchairs? The Vente Latte's in the big white mugs, and the delicious big slices of blueberry cheesecake? I am not someone who would be prepared to hold a plackard on most occasions (I marched against the war in Iraq and also agains the Poll Tax) but where are all of the exhausted parents from Sainsburies with their tiny babies meant to sit now? That coffee shop was the only port in a storm for me when those babies of mine were small. It was the only thing that could entice me to the supermarket in the first place. I can see it now - Sainsbury's replacement: flourescent strip lighting, white plastic seats, and enormous slabs of dried up lasagne. It was so easy to park there to meet friends and a great enticement to the children to behave themselves while shopping in exchange for a treat.

Hi there Solo-k, Welcome, and please do join in. What thing is on this Saturday?

Scoffs six home made chocolate and blueberry brownies. Gratefully drinks poteen and puts arm around Ms Polly Dorner. Takes copy of Martha Stewart Weddings magazine from enormous handbag, and brightens up when the whispered conversation with chum turns to diamonds...

I am just sick about Starbucks. I know there are various arguements against the big chains - and they seem to be very well founded, but I love nothing more than a Vente Latte and a big slice of blueberry cheese cake. I have even forgiven them for naming one of their sandwiches 'vintage cheddar'. I just love that shop. I love the big soft chairs, I love the random Ikea toys for the kids, I love the fact that Freya likes the lollipops and Max likes the gingerbread men, and I love the fact that the children behave themselves in Sainsburys in order to be sure that they get their treat when I am finished the supermarket shopping. Hell there is even a good comic shop to hand. I have such fond memories of sitting in that coffee shop in a state of complete physical and mental exhaustion, feeding my tiny baby, while my poor exhausted husband staggered around that supermarket. We were so lucky that the coffee shop was there then, instead of the Boots that was there before it, or no doubt some dreadful canteen style cafe with white plastic seats and oven chips that will come after. I feel as though an era has ended. Sainsbury's is dead to me now. Long live Ocado. All I need to hear now is that Take That have split up again, and that would finish me off completely. Is there to be no comfort left on this planet?

Sits in special chair staring at the wall, lost in grief... Drinks pimms - straight from bottle. Points perfectly manicured finger at empty handbag whilst holding tissue to perfectly formed nose. Sobs.

Smiles adoringly at Mr Keef. Points Ana towards the door. Sniffs Pimms and almost expires in rapture - but sadly must not drink it as continues with Lenten fast. Looks over Mr Capt Birdseye's shoulder and observes the web site he is on in horror. Rushes to own laptop and conducts a quick search for Mr Batdog and Ms Shambles. Considers in a panic ... "have they run away together?"

Totters in wearing enormous high heel shoes. Snuggles into favourite aubergine arm chair next to window. Ana bursts in through the door with four Vente latte's, and distributes same to DM and two boy chums. Looks around in search of Ms Shambles... Sits back to absorb wonderful music.

Good morning darling Mr Batdog!

Dear Mr Mockney Piers, I think I know what you mean. I shall try to convince them to let me have a turn, and when I get one - I shall post it to you. What fun!

Dear Mr Chartwell, Are you sure? I would much rather post a photo of my super new handbag, but if you insist! I shall be sure not to accept a cockerel, my father-in-law warned me at length. He bought chicks for the children last easter, and I am not convinced that it was the fox that ate them in Wales as was reported to us.

Dear Mr Mockney Piers, James and Max were laughing like drains earlier on. Apparently Max was "making his own Wii" (I should hope so too!). Apparently it is the expression to use when one constructs one's own avatar thingy. The company who made that console should be ashamed of themselves, using such crude terminology. Poor Mairead. Does she have any idea what you have printed in this public forum about her? Freya and I prefer the trampoline to playing with those silly rude boys.

Dear Mr Mightyroar, He just has a sweet face, and a big cuddley body, and is a lovely daddy by all accounts. I think that makes a perfect man! Don't you agree? I am still off alcohol for Lent. It is nearly killing me.