dulwichmum

No, no, please tell me Ms TillieTrotter, you are not telling the truth?

Dear Dominatrix, Some of us are really bad mothers, but we are trying to be lovely, and a not so lovely mother has very little to do with being a minger - that has to do with not enough sleep. I mean, I am simply gorgous, but no sleep for nights on end, and you may mistake me for a not so lovely mother - a real bad mutha actually... short tempered, no time to use the straightening iron or have my nails done. That kind of thing.

Laughs out loud, holds up sign,... Clare you are a genius!

Dear Mr Marauder, He has become bored with me and cast me aside like an old shoe! :'(

I am right beside Beth on this one, it is Fair Trade chocolate all around this Easter.

I shall enscribe your name on my dance card right this minute fine sir!

I read that too, it's true Mr Ant...

Whispers quietly in reply - "here it is, I am afraid Freya has planted a sunflower feed in it for your nursery school project, it would be a shame to take it out now, look it has started to grow!"...

Mr Mockney, You are a king amongst men. That was just perfect. Sigh............

Dear Louisiana, I love this type of project - or I should say, I loved this type of project - until I took one on. Ohmygod - what work and filth and expense! I personally feel the recipie should progress as follows: plumbing and electrics, bathrooms and kitchen, start at the top floor and work your way down. No carpets or painting until the filthy work is finished. And another thing, those magazines and shows where they show house interiors? They are made by liars. Take any estimate you have in your head - gleaned from Property Ladder or Changing Rooms, Elle Deco, Living etc, and triple it. My beautiful home was decorated in the past by skilled tradesmen and an interior designer of international repute. When we decided to sell, we were advised to get it onto a popular TV show and magazine in order to get the best price we could. The dreadful journalists said on the programme that the house was entirely refurbished by my own darling husband with a staple gun and 2 large sheets of mdf!!! The interior designer almost swallowed his teeth with disgust. Never believe a word of what you read. Anywhere...

With all of these flaming beards and moody lips - how about a little Gary Barlow?

Mr Chartwell! I always wanted a ball gown just like the one in Ana and the King! I didn't think anyone else noticed that wonderful confection. I got one recently just for wearing in the lounge...

Dear Mr Mikewbate, What makes you think that I have experience with lactating donkeys?

Dear Clare, I am afraid I wish you luck in France, their toilets are a scandal!

Good man.

Mr Mikewbate, I am certainly not trying to loose weight, I am actually physically perfect right now - have you not seen me in my white CK bikini? If it so happens that I loose weight due to my abstinance from all treats in an effort to become closer to the lord - well so be it! Clearly you mis-understood darling man.

Mr Batdog, You really are so terribly well informed! For a dog, you really are rather manly...

Dear Mr Keef, I completely agree with Monica, - every single word. Yeah Monica! Mr Nesbit should be put in stocks on Goose Green, and pelted with rancid organic vegetables. If he is coming to the next drink at the CPT I will be unable to attend, or I shall end up behind bars. My handbagging arm develops a nervous twitch when I so much as read the mans initials...

Dear Kathryn, You truely have worked me out. Mother superior I certainly am, and there even those who have referred to me as 'Sister' in the past... I am afraid that although the bob is indeed a classic cut, it has been rendered naff by Victoria Chavtastic Beckham (if she is actually Posh then we really are in trouble!). I think instead, you should get yourself one of those turban thingies that they are currently raving about in all of the magazines. Either that, or go for a wimple. That certainly would be a bit of a departure around and about Lordship Lane... Don't you agree?

Dear Georgia, Yes indeedy, I shall be there. I may even bring Ana!

Dear Mr Mikewbate, Violence is so - working class... I think very soon Ana will be ready to move on to another relationship, so if I was you, I would slip a few of those lactating donkeys out by the back way later this evening! You will be her perfect partner!

Walks demurely into room, spies Mr Keef playing air guitar, smiles to chum. Sits down behind Japanese screen, applies electrode type pads from special facial exercise machine, turns on. Vibrates quietly in the corner.........

Please make it after the 8th and I will be there for sure. Thanks Polly

Dear Clare, Indeed I was at the Jo Brand benefit gig, and it was just fab. I love Jo, she is fab. Mr Nesbit.... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Dear Sister Kathryn, I am sure that we were separated at birth! I understand your fears only too well... I love that expression 'magic money card', and when I just used it (the expression - not the card, clearly) in front of my husband, I managed to grab his full attention in a way I haven't achieved in years!!! I don't think I ever saw my darling husband look so fearful (apart from that one occasion when he could not find his debenture tickets for Twickenham and Max had taken to chewing paper - he was much younger then...) I must say I find the enormous new glasses surprisingly flattering, especially with my current sunken cheeks due to my abstinance from all sweeties and alcohol. Why they make me look positively waif like!