dulwichmum

"Come on Kalam, you use this duct tape and I will get the broom handle. Daizie dear, could you locate me some stuffing? Shoulders back Michael..."

Bounces athletically into quiet room. Jogs about in baby blue cashmere knitted track suit and breaks into a bout of kick boxing moves. Accidentally kicks Michael in the nuts ... "Oh dear!" "Michael dear, perhaps I should take up something less dangerous as a hobbie, how about needle point? I would love a tailors dummy, but I hear that the best are those one makes ones self... Will you help me sweetie? I have some duct tape, and some instructions... "Now, stand up straight with your hands over your head. Stand up Michael, tall like a soldier" - (kicks Michael in shins) "Take off your shirt sweetie, let me see that hairy chest of yours..."

Oh Mr Wolf, you remind me of myself when I was young and stupid - although I was never coarse or rude - just innocent... (smirk)

AND BOTH OF YOU KEEP YOUR TONGUES TO YOURSELVES...

Although I am prone to occasional outrageous inuendo myself (about which I have been sanctioned on more than one occasion - OHMYGOD), I must say that I am not at all impressed by the current coarse chat that is on this forum. I am sure that it will alienate regular forumites and is imparting a very base tone. For the most part it is not even clever. Reading through the comments from Mikecg and Bigbadwolf (at the moment) is like being forced to listen in on a couple of bragging twelve year olds shouting their business on the top floor of the bus on their way home from school. I like to sit here at my lap top in my kitchen on Sunday mornings, Saturday afternoons and the occasional mid-week evening with a glass of vino, and instead of joining in on conversation with articulate, hilarious chums it now it feels as though I have stumbled across a group of half wits smoking behind the bike sheds. This is Dulwich boys and we have all been refreshed and challenged by your alternative way of expressing yourselves, but cool your jets, you are in mixed company. ENOUGH ALREADY. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

*Staggers out from behind Chinese screen holding bottle and slurs*: "Nice to see you, to see you..." *Falls face down on the chaise and starts to mumble to self.*

In another half hour I can open a bottle! Well, it would be rude not to...

I should like to be elected to represent the forum. I would have my second home in Barbados (naturellement) and I would not require a salary as I am so very wealthy indeed. I would like to hold public office in order to assert my superior position at the school gates... I would campain for: Dulwich to be made a gated community, it's perimeter patrolled by large men with the stature of Ray Winstone, carrying water cannons, God I adore fire men!, (swoon). We are far too close to Norwood, Lewisham, Peckham and Brixton for my liking. All new and incoming au pairs and domestic servants should have their luggage torched on the tarmac at Gatwick airport, and they should be completely doused from head to toe in various preparations eliminating any trace scabies, head lice and thread worms (our children are catching these infections somewhere and we are so nice around here - it must be from outsiders). Waitrose should open an enormous branch in the old police station on Lordship Lane. Iceland would be closed, and replaced by an enomous organic, free range indoor fruit and veg market in the manner of Borough Market. William Rose should serve Starbucks latte to those waiting in the queue. A branch of Konditor and Cook to be opened in the village (in place of the empty Gill Holland shop), and a branch of Carluccio's in place of the Piaf - much more child friendly! Speed bumps to be removed from Burbage Road/Alleyn Road/Turney Road and Alleyn Park (they are destroying my suspension) and replaced with those funky flashing light accessories that inform you of your speed and then go around to your house and slap you about. All health visitors should distribute money off vouchers from Majestic wines with the little red book. Women on maternity leave in Dulwich should be jailed if found wearing their husbands fleeces or rugby shirts, or any form of comfortable shoes - particularly MBTs, Fitflops, Crocs and Birkenstocks as they are vile and unattractive. All homes would be issued with their own coffee grinders. Instant coffee would be banned. Wine tasting courses would be compulsary for all and anyone found with Chardonnay in their homes would be forced to do community service - this could include replacing the fence around Goose Green with the sweet little white fence posts and chains like Dulwich Village. All branches of Tesco Metro (near Goose Green and on Croxted Road) would be closed and replaced with branches of Starbucks. I feel so much better for that (sigh).

I agree. The woman should be marched to the nearest cosmetic dentist. She desserves help. I expect that she could put her new teeth on expenses...

I am sure that I read somewhere that Sean Connery is rather heavy handed... He does not appeal to everyone (sigh), although Ray Winstone is simply perfect (swoon). Oh how I adore men who drag their knuckles on the ground when they walk...

Mark Dodds Wrote: > My place, The Sun and Doves, www.sunanddoves.co.uk > has sockets all over the show, free wifi and > pretty great coffee and tea too. And a great > summer garden which even has a non smoking area > but we're on the wrong side of the tracks chaps. Dear Mr Dodds, If I ever feel the need to be stabbed or murdered while drinking coffee and availing of your power supply, I will indeed pop along to your public house in SE5 (OHMYGOD that place is virtually in Brixton...). Camberwell, or should I say, Coldharbour Lane, is not for everyone sweetie.

Morag Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I think there should be a statue of Emily > Pankhurst in Trafalgur Square. Women should be > represented properly in society. We are not all > chocolate, shoes, and bags,. Lots of us still > want equal footing with men, and wages.We all dont > want to be silly cows who just want to be used by > men and get drunk like them. drinking beer. > Pathetic.Skinhead children no doubt. "Shall I get > my nails done" "Shall I get a nose piercing" or > shall I have another tatoo". Or shall I feed my > kids;descisions oh dear. where did it all go > wrong.? Who lit the fuse on your tampon sweetie?

This is incredibly useful to know. Do you have a mirror too? I shall send the au pair over there with her GHD straightening iron in the morning. That girl is a drain on my resources - this is a credit crunch you know! She is as pretty as a picture and I am experiencing an almost overwhelming urge to hang her - Mirror, mirror on the wall ...

Oh Lissiedjango dear, If it were not for our darling men paying 50% tax, you would lounging in a gutter nursing your open TB...

Someone just commented on Twitter that Dulwich Swine Flue will be "hand reared Organic Old Spot"!!! We are incredibly right on you know...

My heart goes out to all of the parents at Alleyns. I know logically that we should not be terrified, but I hate either of my children to even get a splinter so this is not good. I insist that we rename this flu "Mexican Flu", the name "Swine Flue" is simply unacceptable. I blame the au pairs. We should incinerate their luggage when they arrive in this country and put them all in quarentine until we can be sure that they are not responsible for the regular outbreaks of scabies and head lice in the local independent schools.

Sweet Knackared Cow, Indeed it was me. I had been over to Morrisons in Peckham, and well, you can't be too careful (sigh). This Swine Flu situation is making me very nervous, and I decided to do one great big shop on all of the essentials in case stocks run out in the stores. They do not sell high quality hoisery in Peckham so I am off into Sloane Square this morning (even civil disopedience and looting in the streets should be no excuse for wearing poor quality tights and stockings). I bought a couple of trays of Lloyd Grossman pasta sauces, a large quanitity of tinned salmon and tuna, and my body weight in dried pasta and rice and a huge amount of Evian. Those nice police men even helped me to carry it into my home!

OHMYGOD!

My perfect infant son bounced out of his prestigious local independent school this afternoon, smiled innocently up at his grandmother and announced "Stop your grinnin and drop your linnen" - OHMYGOD!!! HE DID NOT LEARN THIS IN MY HOME (glares).

Oh dear.

Grrr.

I tried to post something similar on here about Swedish nightclubs versus Welsh nightclubs. Seriously, these women should not be permitted to come to London, invade our homes, look after our children, do our ironing and smile at our husbands. They are not natural and should be kept in Sweden... Au pair work should be restricted for portly women who have deep voices and drag their knuckles on the floor (sigh).

I do, it is true...

The Swedes may have surgically enhanced perfect breasts, but I hear that they suffer from profuse pubic hair and their breath smells of pickled fish... OHMYGOD. The Swedes are not for everyone darling. We don't need any here in Dulwich thank you.

YES ????, IT IS JUST YOU!