littleEDfamily

Saila and Goodliz - not sure if this was your intent, but your posts made me laugh!! Apologies if me finding it funny causes offence - I guess it's all in the context. I went through this phase in my mid pregnancy where I had the more ridiculously oversized boobs and got used to my female friends taking one look and exclaiming 'look at your t*ts!' I get called fatty all the time by my husband, which doesn't bother me (and I love how my daughter stands up for me, saying, she's not fat, she has a baby in her belly, Daddy (in a really patronising tone)). But some slimey taxi man I don't know from Adam would be a completely different story!! I'm starting to realise I probably have said some inappropriate things in my time....

Happy to have a look at her contract - it will be pretty specific about the contractual arrangements around sick pay. In my experience it is unusual for nannies to be paid anything other than SSP, especially so soon after starting (often families as a gesture of goodwill will pay when they don't have to once the nanny has proven their reliability, but the contract itself is less than generous). It may be that your nanny is just making use of what she sees as a 'benefit', and if that benefit can be legitimately removed, her sick record would dramatically improve! If you are otherwise happy with her and the children like her, perhaps it's worth looking into.

Toxic Childhood, by Sue Palmer, has some of the same themes as OJs book, but what I liked about hers (although I didn't like everything) is that it's far more practical and focuses on forces other than the role of mother in terms of shaping children (she too is less than positive about nurseries for small children and advocates parents being genuinely open minded about alternatives that enable ideally mother or father to be the primary carer in the early years). Having had a couple of days to mull over what I have read in 'How not to....', I think the aspect of the book that sits least comfortably with me is the fact he places a very very, unnecessarily heavy burden on mothers to avoid the emotional ruining of children (which he leads you to believe is happening willy nilly), and that no matter what kind of mother you may be (ie Organiser/ Hugger/ Fleximum) you're still somehow flawed, misguided (often delusional) AND in need of (his) therapy!!! Fuschia, I do understand your frustration with the 'How to train your child' school of thought and literature, despite the fact that I have picked up some useful tips from its 'gurus', but there is something slightly, dare I say it, sinister about OJ - maybe it's just his style.... or maybe I just can't get past that bad shirt he was wearing on the Wright Stuff and fact he seemed quite weasely and angry.

Hmmm..well, Fleximums are frequently part-timers, but that's not what defines them. OJ seems to believe that the main danger of being a fleximum (ie neither a emotionally distant 'Organiser' or an attachment parenting type 'Hugger') is that you fool yourself into believing that compromise is possible, and that often you falsely believe win-win scenarios can be achieved (ie arrangements in which neither your child or you are losing out). Essentially, it seems a lot of Fleximums (according to OJ) are chirpy and pragmatic, yet still fundamentally selfish. As far as his upbringing is concerned, I have nothing against toffs per se, and in general try not to judge people by their backgrounds, but the fact is that that kind of education bestows upon you phenomental contacts in useful places, giving you a massive headstart in life and a completely different menu of choices than is availble to Jo Average. If, like OJ, you choose a career in which you pass judgment about the life decisions of others (even if he does try to get us to belive those judgments are research based), I think upbringing and associated advantage or disadvantage is relevant. I'm sure he wouldn't have the options he has in terms of parenting if it weren't for his background (chances are he would never have become a published author!) That all said, i think he has some useful insights in spite the fact that I think his perspective is essentially unrealistic and misogynist. I'm going to therefore persevere with my Love Bombing.

I'm with you! What's with the constant comments about the relative size of your bump - I get "You're huge!" as often as I get "you're not big at all". A man at the post office told me that I should start giving up work soon - WTF!!!??? People tell me not to run (I am always late so frequently half jog). Yep, everyone has got an opinion on a pregnant woman. But... your taxi driver sounds like an obnoxious cretin - thankfully that degree of inappropriateness is rare!

Thanks, poppy! I think I am going to read my brand new Elle Decoration instead of the remaining third of the book!

He does seem to have it in for capitalism too, which grates with me, as the whole reason I started my own business (and therefore became a protagonist in what he feels is this hideous consumerist culture) is because it was the only way I could attempt to reconcile the practical and emotional difficulties I found being a mother who wants to work.......I am doubley peeved since he went to such a ridiculously posh school (which I did not know!!!!)and is clearly from a very comfortable background (albeit the son of a miserable cow - paraphrased from his account of his mum). The other thing I noticed in the book is how often he plugs the need for anyone who is slightly struggling with life to see a therapist (bit of self interest there no doubt - it's not capitalism when it's the therapist making money!) Now I've started ranting!!!!! PS... Moos, spoilsport!

Phew - thanks redjam. You've given me some perspective. I tend to be a little bit on the stiff upper lip side, and instinctively feel that humans are resilient creatures and that excessive mollycoddling (who knows how to spell!?) does none of us any favours. But then again, I am the classic 'Organiser' mum (read: devil incarnate), who committed the ultimate sin of changing childcare arrangements SEVERAL times in the first 2.5 years. I knew it wasn't ideal at the time.... but who knew I was sooooo bad! Did anyone see old Ollie boy on the Wright Stuff last week or the week before? He was doing a lot of ranting in a bad shirt! BUT... personal comments about his dress sense aside, there is one insight that has resonated with me, and that is that children ultimately behave themselves because of the good relationship they have with their parents and the fact that they don't want to displease them (as opposed to being 'trained', Supernanny style not to enter into 'unacceptable' behaviour). The 'technique' approach has always struck me as a bit American and contrived, and I cannot remember my mum and dad ever needing star charts or naughty steps (and I was a perfectly good child).

Apparently if you haven't got it right in the first 3 years, there's a technique called 'Love Bombing' whereby you lavish cuddles and general affection on them. I think that's a separate book.... in the meantime, she's already sick of my slobbering!

Just bought this book and ploughed through the first two thirds yesterday. Finding it interesting but of course slightly depressed to hear I've probably f***ed up my 3 year old. Anyone else read it?

I got it wrong last week, and we turned up in full pink finery, only to end up at the Brockwell Park paddling pool instead. We like Miss Laura too. Good luck with the new class!

Why you leaving South London Dance Studio's class, ryedalemama? (Just being nosy)

Re, the snuffling - there is an article in the latest 'Baby London' mag about sleeping and the sleep specialist indicated that actually snuffling is completely normal when babies are in certain phases of their sleep cycle. Obviously there is snuffling due to being blocked up or otherwise unwell, but according to ths guru snuffling can also show they are in a deep sleep.

The arriving home early and having pay docked accordingly is really out of order. I think if you agree to be available for the entire time on a regular basis, you should be paid for it, esp as such a short stint. For ?5 it's hardly worth getting yourself there and back. And I definitely don't think it's appropriate for a young woman to be walking around ED late at night, escorted by some chap who has had a few too many bevvies. Once you've accepted certain terms in any job, it's quite hard to change them without peeving anyone. Prob easier for her to try and find new families to work for and set the expectations upfront. pearl1 Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Unfortunately, that wasn't the only job I was > cross about. > She does a nannying job two days a week after > school and they are really stingy too! > > She collects the children from school entertains > them, walks the dog (and cleans up it's poo!) and > sometimes (not always) cooks tea. It's 3 hours at > ?5 an hour but the parents often come home early > and so she gets dismissed early but her pay is > docked accordingly. Sometimes she does all the > above for just a fiver! > > Not only that but they overpaid her two weeks ago > as they only had a ?20 note. This week they docked > the extra ?5 off her wages. I think they are > really mean - I would have let it go considering > all the times she has been sent home with just a > fiver...

Busymum has a point. It will be horrible to go through a process of sacking on the grounds of unacceptable sickness. If you do decide it's best to let her go, it may be easier to keep things sweet with her during her notice period (assuming you'd need her to work) by saying that you are being made redundant (or whatever). If you do decide to be brave and sack on the basis of her sickness and she subsequently takes the P by not coming in, so long as you have reasonable grounds to believe she is not genuinely ill and therefore guilty of serious misconduct, you may well be able to terminate with immediate effect (not a risk free option, but you may decide saving yourself a significant amount of money is preferable to being totally risk averse on the basis that she MAY subsequently be able to bring a successful claim.

My friends have since come up with some crackers. Among them: Salt & Pepa (a classic) 'Push it real good' The wince-worthy 'The first cut is the deepest' by Rockin Rod Stewart. 'She moves in her own way', The Kooks. And 'Nessun Dorma' to describe what the next year of my life is likely to be like. I like 'Ring of Fire' too...and the Lighthouse family offers appropriate lyrics and a rousing melody to boot. Who would have thought anything connected to birth could be this fun!

Ok, this is going to sound really callous (and by the way all the advice above is sound), but bear in mind the time, effort and money it takes to bring a claim for discrimination, or even breach of contract (which would be the only claims I can see she may be able to bring, and the latter only if you don't pay her notice, the former only if she is a 'protected group'), it is probably not necessary to 'pussyfoot' around. As someone else has suggested, give her a chance to explain herself (and for you to establish whether she would be protected under any disability discrimination legislation), and then if no red flags, just serve notice and be done with it! Depending on what the contract says, you may be able to pay her in lieu of notice. You can almost certainly have her work her notice, but in my experience, this can be very uncomfortable for both parties. It's worth a shot to try and mutually agree a shorter notice period (she won't be able to take another job while she is employed by you still and she may decide it is preferable to secure another job quickly rather than work out her notice?) Have you been you paying her sick pay when she has been off?

Ooooh yes - thanks especially for 'God only knows' - such a beautiful tune. I hope I am not kidding myself about all this playlist making helping to dull the pain(but even if it doesn't, it reminds me of being a teenager and compiling 'tapes', so I am all for it!)

I am just doing my labour playlist, so was hoping to resurrect this thread as I know I could be in for the long haul and I have many minutes to fill still. So far, my highlights include 1. You're the one for me, Fatty by Morrissey 2. Here comes the sun, Nina Simone 3. I see you baby (shakin that ass), Groove Armada and Fatboy Slim I'd love to hear everyone else's Top 3s!

We've come full circle. After being really quite strict (except when sick or genuinely upset) about getting her to stay in her own bed, I now really enjoy her sleeping with us - she sneaks in often and it's lovely (we have a superking bed, which is an absolute essential in my opinion, even if there is no room in the room for anything else!). But a gurgling, snuffling, crying baby, and a toddler who uses her head as a wrecking ball were quite different scenarios, so for those months keeping her in with us would have been tantamount to a nervous breakdown. I wonder if we will be any different with our second... Question - my dad (slightly neurotic generally) is convinced that it is not safe to have a baby share a room with a preschooler. When pushed for details, he basically believes that the preschooler will 'experiment' with the baby (eg put marbles up her nose, poke her with sticks - all things I have made up of course, as I really can't think of what the dangers may be). Am I being naive, and does grandpa have a point? Would be interested to hear what those if you with more than one have done in terms of room sharing......

I see, I see - I suppose it makes some sense that they pick up on our breathing patterns. I know not every one is sold on movement monitors, but ours did go off on a few occasions when it appeared she was in a very deep sleep. Who knows what may have happened - I suppose we'll never know if it was just normal baby sleeping or something potentially more sinister. It says something about my level of neurosis that now, as a 3.5 year old she still has the same monitor! She now switches it off herself when she gets up. How does it work in terms of getting ready to bed with an already sleeping baby in your room? Do you have to keep the light off and creep around, or does baby just sleep through your normal routine?

I'd like to understand how having a baby in your room offers protection against cot death, and what the underlying factors are that make a move at 6 months safest. Does anyone know? I suppose I could google, but I am feeling lazy.... We moved our daughter at a few weeks and used a movement sensor monitor. I felt completely reassured and relieved for some mutual independence and snuffle-free sleeping.

Vick Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > First property was on Bellenden Road, the second > on Silvester. When my husband and I were looking > at properties, we kept being told "you'll never > guess who was just viewing this property before > you?" > Needless to say, we quickly could guess. You sure the second was Silvester - I thought Bawdale or one of those ones off Lordship Lane.....

The couple that looked round our hood seemed really nice. I'd like them as neighbours.

Loved the ED hype on Location. Loved how they described Peckham Rye as 'fashionable'.