*Bob*

Tut.. did you expose yourself whilst in the chair, Ted? Again.

Gnomes.

If they offer a wash before the cut - perhaps rounding off with a brief head massage, then enjoy. But DO NOT under any circumstances allow yourself to emit a moan of pleasure - even if you're certain it's inaudible. I speak from experience.

You may observe his hands and the scissors but DO NOT look him in the eye. If in doubt immerse yourself in the detail of your own face or allow your eyes to glaze over, like how you stare at overhead dental lamp when the Polish dentist hygienist with the nice hair is an inch from your face. (er.. for example)

Top three barber conundrums for men: Do you get a better haircut if you go in fashionable dressed? Should you ask for the 'product', even though you know your neck's covered in hair and you'll be showering in ten minutes? If you're white and you've never been to a black barber, are you really a racist, deep-down? And the one universal truth: If he doesn't show you the top of your head in the mirror when he's done, then things are a lot worse than you thought.

I love drinking crap beer whilst I'm getting a crap haircut. Maybe the new place will offer a sh1t shave as well, so you can go out looking like your Dad when he was fifty, smelling of cheap alcohol and with a few bits of bloody bog roll stuck to your chin. That's proppa.

For all lovers of something called auto-tune..

I wanted to do the Eggheads music. ?3000/week in royalties. Nice little earner.

A thousand robberies locally in 2006 / 500 people reading the EDF / 10 incidents reported. A thousand robberies locally in 2009 / 3000 people reading the EDF / 100 incidents reported. 2009.. "crimewave"

Musical instrument grades are pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things. More of a boxticker for the parents than anything else. I wish I'd have known that at the time, instead of pointlessly grubbing my way to grade 8 with parrot-fashion playing, no real skill and at great expense.

So what of our Susan? Well, she's no oil painting is she, eh??! Ha Ha.. EH?!? See?? Not just your average plain type either (plenty of those knocking around thank you very much). No, our Susan is a bit of a minger, isn't she ho ho ho! And she's older (*tick*) and also slightly eccentric (*tick) with a regional accent (*tick*). So you see the juxtaposition of her singing voice (comparatively very good) with her looks (comparatively very poor) registers as TELLY GOLD on the Cowellculator. Here's looking forward to her makeover on GMTV where they give her an unsuitable haircut and dress her like a prostitute. And all in the name of entertainment.. for US! I'm so proud.. See also: The fat one on X-Factor.. The one with the stammer on Pop Idol.. hang on.. I think I see a pattern..

I'm a sucker for a talent show, but haven't succumbed to BGT (seeing Penis Morgan for more than five minutes at a time makes me feel unclean). It's interesting dipping in to these shows 'cold' on YouTube, without the preamble, hype and primetime buzz. There's Cowell, with his big orange face, fluorescent white veneered teeth and ridiculous hair transplant. Holden, vacuous as ever - contributing nothing more than her usual pitiful range of wide-eyed second-rate 'acting-faces' (they might as well have placed a blowup doll in the seat and have a man under the desk wobbling it if something interesting happens). And not forgetting potato-headed Morgan, scoffing, leering and generally oiling-up the stage. The local shopping centres have been emptied to fill the studio audience, lured on a promise of a potential freakshow and free biscuits. The stage is set.

Who doesn't like trucks?

'Trafalgar Day'.. I like the sound of that. An dressed-up equivalent of several million Brits lining-up on the white cliffs, pulling their trousers and pants down and mooning 'as one' across the channel.

snorky Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I would like every saints day to be a holiday, > just like in Spain & that ilk I agree.. list of saints and associated bank holiday dates should be as follows: St. Abdon (07/30) St. Abraham (03/16) St. Adrian (03/05) St. Agatha (02/05) St. Agnes (01/21) St. Agnes of Monte Pulciano (04/20) St. Agapetus (08/18) St. Albert the Great (11/15) St. Albinus (03/01) St. Alexius (07/17) St. Alfred or Aelred (01/12) St. Aloysius Gonzaga (06/21) St. Alphonsus Liguori (08/02) St. Alphonsus Rodriguez (10/30) St. Ambrose (12/07) Blessed Bishop Ambrose Leblanc (02/13) St. Anacletus (07/13) St. Andrew Apostle (11/30) St. Andrew Avellino (11/10) St. Andrew Bobola (05/21) St. Andrew Corsini (02/04) St. Andrew Kim (09/16) St. Brother Andrew of Mount Royal (03/20) St. Angela of Foligno (01/04) St. Angela Merici (06/01) Angels, Holy Guardian (10/02) St. Anicetus (04/17) Bl. Anna-Maria Taigi (06/09) St. Anne (07/26) St. Anselm (04/21) St. Anthony Abbott (01/17) St. Anthony of Padua (06/13) St. Anthony-Mary Claret (10/23) St. Anthony-Maria Zaccaria (07/05) St. Antoninus (05/10) St. Apollinaris (07/23) St. Apollonia and the Martyrs of Alexandria (02/09) St. Apollonius (04/18) St. Athanasius (05/02) St. Attalus (06/02) St. Augustine (08/28) St. Augustine of Canterbury (05/28) St. Avitus (06/17) St. Bademus (04/10) St. Barachisius (03/29) St. Barbara (12/04) St. Barbatus (02/19) St. Barnabas (06/11) St. Bartholomew (08/24) St. Basil the Great (06/14) St. Basilissa (01/09) St. Bede the Venerable (05/27) St. Benedict (03/21) St. Benedict of Anian (02/12) St. Benedict of Palermo (04/04) St. Benedict-Joseph Labre (04/16) St. Benezet (04/14) St. Benjamin (03/31) St. Bernadette Soubirous (02/18) St. Bernard (08/20) St. Bernardine of Siena (05/20) St. Bertha (07/04) St. Bertilla (11/05) St. Bibiana (12/02) St. Blaise (02/03) St. Blandina (06/02) St. Bonaventure (07/14) St. Boniface (06/05) St. Brendan (05/16) St. Bridget of Sweden (10/08) St. Bridgid of Ireland, Abbess (02/01) St. Bruno (10/06) St. Cajetan of Thiena (08/07) St. Callistus I (10/14) St. Camillus of Lellis (07/18) St. Canutus (01/19) St. Casimir (03/04) St. Catherine of Alexandria (11/25) St. Catherine of Genoa (09/15) St. Catherine Labour? (11/28) St. Catherine of Ricci (02/13) St. Catherine of Siena (04/30) Bl. Catherine of St. Augustine (04/12) St. Catherine of Sweden (03/22) St. Cecilia (11/22) St. Celestine (04/06) St. Celsus (07/28) St. Charbel Makhlouf (12/24) St. Charles Borromeo (11/04) St. Christina (07/24) St. Chrysanthus (10/25) Bl. Claire Gambacorti (04/17) St. Clare of Assisi (08/12) St. Claude Apollinaire (01/08) St. Claude of Besan?on (06/07) St. Clement I of Rome (11/23) St. Clement Mary Hofbauer (03/15) St. Cletus (04/26) St. Clotilda (06/03) St. Cloud or Clodoald (09/07) St. Colette (03/06) St. Columba or Columkille (06/09) St. Conrad of Piacenza (02/19) St. Cosmas (09/27) St. Crescentia (06/15) Sts. Crispin and Crispinian (10/25) St. Crispin de Viterbe (05/23) St. Cunegundes (03/03) St. Cyprian of Carthage (09/16) St. Cyprian, martyr (09/26) St. Cyriacus and his Companions (08/08) St. Cyril of Alexandria (02/09) St. Cyril of Jerusalem (03/18) St. Cyril, martyr (05/29) St. Cyril and Methodius (07/07) St. Damasus (12/11) St. Damian (09/27) St. Daria (10/25) St. David (03/01) St. Delphinus (12/24) St. Denis or Dionysius (10/09) Bl. Didace Pelletier (02/21) St. Didacus or Diego (11/13) St. Dionysia (05/15) St. Dominic (08/04) St. Dominic Savio (05/06) St. Dominic of Silos (12/20) St. Donatian (05/24) St. Dorothy (02/06) St. Edmund of Canterbury (11/16) St. Edward (10/13) St. Eligius or Eloy (12/01) St. Elizabeth of Hungary (11/19) St. Elizabeth of Portugal (07/08) St. Elphege (04/19) St. Eleutherius (09/06) St. Emiliana (12/24) St. Emily de Vialar (08/24) St. Engratia (04/16) St. Ephrem (06/18) St. Epiphanius (05/12) St. Etheldreda (06/23) St. Eubulus (03/05) St. Eucherius (02/20) St. Eugenius (07/13) St. Eulalia (12/10) St. Eulogius, martyr (03/11) St. Eulogius of Alexandria (09/13) St. Euphrasia (03/13) St. Eusebius, martyr (08/14) St. Eusebius of Vercelli (12/16) St. Eustachius and his family (09/20) St. Evaristus (10/26) St. Fabien (01/20) St. Faustinus (02/15) St. Felicianus (06/09) St. Felicity and her Seven Sons (07/10) St. Felix I (05/30) St. Felix of Cantalice (05/18) St. Felix of Valois (11/20) St. Fiaker (08/30) St. Fidelis of Sigmaringen (04/24) St. Finan or Finian (12/12) St. Finbarr (09/25) St. Firmin (09/25) St. Flavian (02/17) St. Frances Cabrini (12/22) St. Frances of Rome (03/09) St. Francis of Assisi (10/04) St. Francis of Assisi, the Stigmata of ... (09/17) St. Francis Borgia (10/10) St. Francis Caracciolo (06/04) Bl. Francis de Montmorency Laval (07/21) St. Francis of Paula (04/02) Bl. Francis Regis Clet (02/17) St. Francis de Sales (01/29) St. Francis Xavier (12/03) Blessed Father Frederick Janssoone of Ghyvelde (10/27) St. Frumentius (10/27) St. Fulbert (04/10) St. Fulgentius (01/02) St. Gabriel Archangel (03/24) St. Gabriel of Our Lady of Sorrows (02/27) St. Gal (07/01) St. Gall (10/16) St. Gatian (12/18) St. Gemma Galgani (04/11) St. Genevieve (01/03) St. Geoffroy or Godfrey (11/08) St. George (04/23) St. Gerard, abbot (10/03) St. Gerard Majella (10/16) St. Germaine Cousin (06/15) St. Germanus of Auxerre (07/30) St. Germanus of Paris (05/28) St. Gertrude of Eisleben (11/16) St. Giles (09/01) St. Goar (07/06) St. Godfrey or Geoffroy (11/08) St. Gontran (03/28) St. Gregory I, the Great (03/12) St. Gregory VII (05/25) St. Gregory, Bishop of Langres (01/04) St. Gregory the Miracle Worker (11/17) St. Gregory Nazianzen (05/09) St. Guy of Anderlecht (09/12) St. Hedwig (10/17) St. Hegesippus (04/07) St. Helen (08/18) St. Heliodorus (07/03) St. Henry II (07/15) Bl. Henry Suzo (03/02) Bl. Herman Joseph of Steinfeld (04/07) St. Hermenegild (04/13) St. Hilarion (10/22) St. Hilary of Poitiers (01/14) St. Honoratus (01/16) St. Hospitius (05/21) St. Hubert (11/03) St. Hugh of Cluny (04/29) St. Hugh of Grenoble (04/01) St. Hyacinth (08/17) St. Ignatius of Antioch (02/01) St. Ignatius of Loyola (07/31) St. Imelda Lambertini (05/12) The Holy Innocents (12/28) St. Irenaeus (06/28) St. Ischyrion (12/22) St. Isidore of Madrid (05/10) St. Isidore of Seville (04/04) St. James the Greater (07/25) St. James the Less (05/11) St. James of La Marcha (11/28) St. James of Nisibis (07/11) St. Jane Frances de Chantal (08/21) Bl. Jane Leber (10/12) St. Jane of Valois (02/04) St. Januarius (09/19) St. Jeanne-Antide Thouret (05/23) Bl. Jeanne-Marie de Maill? (03/28) St. Jerome (09/30) St. Jerome Emilian (07/20) St. Joachim (08/16) St. Joan of Arc (05/30) St. John, Apostle and Evangelist (12/27) St. John, Apostle, Before the Latin Gate (05/06) St. John the Baptist, Nativity of (06/24) St. John the Baptist, The Beheading of (08/29) St. John-Baptist de LaSalle (05/15) St. John and St. Paul, martyrs (06/26) St. John the Almsgiver (04/09) St. John Berchmans (11/26) St. John Bosco (01/31) Bl. John de Britto (02/16) St. John Cantius (10/20) St. John Capistran (03/28) St. John Chrysostom (01/27) St. John Climacus (03/30) St. John of the Cross (11/24) St. John Damascene (03/27) Bl. John the Discalced (12/15) St. John of Egypt (03/27) St. John Eudes (08/19) St. John Francis Regis (06/16) St. John Gabriel Perboyre (09/11) St. John of God (03/08) St. John Gualbert (07/12) St. John Joseph of the Cross (03/05) St. John of Matha (02/08) St. John Nepomucene (05/16) St. John of Sahagun or of St-Fagondez (06/12) St. John the Silent (05/13) St. John Vianney (08/09) St. Jonas (03/29) St. Josaphat (11/14) St. Joseph (03/19) St. Joseph the Worker (05/01) St. Joseph-Beno?t Cottolengo (04/29) St. Joseph Calasanctius (08/27) St. Joseph of Cupertino (09/18) St. Joseph Benedict Cottolengo St. Jovita (02/15) St. Jude, Apostle (10/28) St. Julia (05/23) St. Julian the Hospitalarian (01/09) St. Juliana Falconieri (06/19) St. Juliana of Mt. Cornillon (04/07) St. Julius (04/12) St. Justin (06/01) St. Justina (09/26) St. Kateri Tekakwitha (04/17) St. Ladislas (06/27) St. Lambert (09/17) St. Laurence O'Toole (11/14) St. Lawrence, martyr (08/10) St. Lawrence Justinian (09/05) St. Leander (02/27) St. Leo the Great (04/11) St. Leo II, pope (07/03) St. Leocadia (12/09) St. Leonard (11/06) St. Leonides (04/22) St. Liberatus and his companions (08/17) St. Linus (09/23) St. Louis Bertrand (10/09) St. Louis, King of France (08/25) St. Louis Mary de Montfort (04/28) St. Louis of Toulouse (08/19) St. Louise de Marillac (03/15) St. Lucian (01/07) St. Lucy (12/13) St. Ludger (03/26) St. Luke (10/18) St. Lupicinus (02/28) St. Lydwina of Schiedam (04/14) St. Macarius (01/02) St. Magloire (10/24) St. Malachi d'Armagh (11/02) St. Mammertus (05/11) St. Marcellinus (04/26) St. Marcellinus (04/20) St. Marcellus, Pope (01/16) St. Marcellus, the Centurion and his children (10/30) St. Marcus and St. Marcellianus (06/18) St. Margaret of Antioch (07/20) St. Margaret Bourgeois (01/12) St. Margaret, queen of Scotland (06/10) St. Margaret-Mary (10/17) St. Marguerite d'Youville (12/23) St. Maria Goretti (07/09) St. Mark (04/25) St. Mark, pope (10/07) St. Martha (07/29) St. Martin I, Pope (11/12) St. Martin de Porres (11/03) St. Martin de Tours (11/11) St. Martina (01/30) Holy Martyrs of Japan (02/05) The Holy North American Martyrs (09/26) Holy Martyrs of Uganda (06/03) Holy Martyrs of Saragossa, The Eighteen (04/16) Holy Martyrs of Sebaste, The Forty (03/10) Bl. Mary Assunta (04/08) St. Mary of Egypt (04/09) St. Mary Euphrasia Pelletier (04/24) St. Mary of the Incarnation, Ursuline in Quebec (06/02) Bl. Mary of the Incarnation, Carmelite (04/18) St. Mary Magdalen (07/22) St. Mary Magdalene of Pazzi (05/29) St. Mary of Oignies (06/23) St. Mary Micaela (08/24) St. Matthew, apostle (09/21) St. Mathilda (03/14) St. Matthias, apostle (02/24) St. Maurice and the Theban Legion (09/22) St. Maurilius (09/13) St. Maximilian Kolbe (08/14) St. Maximin or Mesmin, abbot (12/15) Bl. Maximin Giraud (09/20) St. Maximus (11/27) St. Mechtildis of Hackeborn (02/26) St. Medard (06/08) Bl. Melanie Calvat (12/14) St. Mello (10/22) St. Methodius (07/07) St. Michael the Archangel (09/29) St. Michael the Archangel, The Apparition of (05/08) St. Michael Garicoits (05/14) St. Michael de los Santos (04/10) St. Modestus (06/15) St. Monica (05/04) St. Narcissus (10/29) St. Nazarius (07/28) St. Nemesion and companions (12/19) St. Nicasius (12/14) St. Nicholas of Fl?e (03/31) St. Nicholas of Myra (12/06) St. Nicholas of Tolentino (09/10) St. Norbert (06/06) St. Odon of Cluny (11/18) St. Olympia (12/17) St. Omer (09/09) St. Onesimus (02/16) St. Oswald (02/28) St. Pachomius (05/14) St. Palladius (07/06) St. Pamphilus (06/01) St. Pantaleon (07/27) St. Pant?nus (07/07) St. Paphnutius (09/11) St. Paschal Baylon (05/17) St. Paternus (04/15) St. Patrick (03/17) St. Paul (06/29) St. Paul, The Commemoration of (06/30) St. Paul, The Conversion of (01/25) St. Paul of the Cross (04/28) St. Paul the First Hermit (01/15) St. Paulinus (06/22) St. Perpetuus (04/08) St. Peter (06/29) St. Peter's Chains (08/01) St. Peter's Chair at Antioch (02/22) St. Peters' Chair at Rome (01/18) St. Peter and St. Paul, Dedication of the Basilicas of (11/18) St. Peter of Alcantara (10/19) St. Peter of Alexandria (11/26) St. Peter Canisius (04/27) St. Peter Celestine (05/19) St. Peter Chanel (04/23) St. Peter Claver (09/09) St. Peter Damian (02/23) Sts. Peter and Dionysia, martyrs (05/15) Bl. Peter Favre (08/08) St. Peter Gonzales (04/15) St. Peter Julian Eymard (08/03) St. Peter Fourier (12/09) Bl. Peter of Luxemburg (07/05) St. Peter Nolasco (01/28) St. Peter of Verona St. Petronilla (05/31) St. Philip, Apostle (05/11) St. Philip Benizi (08/23) St. Philip Neri (05/26) St. Philogonius (12/20) St. Philomena (08/11) St. Pius I (07/11) St. Pius V (05/05) St. Pius X (09/03) St. Placid (10/05) St. Polycarp (01/26) St. Porphyry (02/26) St. Pothinus and his companions (06/02) St. Primus (06/09) St. Prosper of Aquitaine (06/25) St. Quentin (10/31) St. Radegundes (08/13) St. Raphael the Archangel (10/24) St. Raymund Nonnatus (08/31) St. Raymond of Pennafort (01/23) St. Remi or Remigius (10/01) St. Richard of Chichester (04/03) St. Rita of Cascia (05/22) Bl. Robert of Arbrissel (02/24) St. Robert Bellarmine (05/13) St. Robert of Newminster (06/07) St. Roch (08/16) St. Rogatian (05/24) St. Romanus and Lupicinus (02/28) St. Romanus (08/09) St. Romuald (02/07) St. Rosalia (09/06) St. Rose of Lima (08/30) St. Rose of Viterbo (09/04) St. Sabas, abbott (12/05) St. Sabas (04/12) St. Sabina (09/03) St. Sabinus and his Companions (12/30) St. Sanctus (06/02) St. Saturninus (11/29) St. Scholastica (02/10) St. Sebastian (01/20) St. Sennen (07/30) St. Seraphia (09/03) St. Serenus (02/23) St. Servulus (12/23) The Seven Holy Servite Founders (02/12) St. Severianus (02/21) St. Severinus (02/11) St. Silverius (06/20) St. Simeon, Bishop (02/18) St. Simeon Stylites (01/05) St. Simon, Apostle (10/28) St. Simon, Infant Martyr (03/31) St. Simon Stock (05/16) St. Simplicius (03/02) St. Soter (04/22) St. Stanislaus of Cracow (05/07) St. Stanislaus Kostka (11/13) Blessed Stephanie Quinzani (01/16) St. Stephen, first martyr (12/26) St. Stephen, first martyr, Finding of his Relics (08/03) St. Stephen I, Pope (08/02) St. Stephen, King of Hungary (09/02) St. Susanna (08/11) St. Sylvain (02/17) St. Sylvester (12/31) St. Symphorian (08/22) St. Tarachus (10/11) St. Tarasius (02/25) St. Tarsilla (12/24) St. Teresa of Avila (10/15) St. Thecla (09/23) St. Theodore Tyro (11/09) St. Theodoret (10/23) St. Theodosius (01/11) St. Therese of the Child Jesus (10/03) St. Thomas, Apostle (12/21) St. Thomas Becket (12/29) St. Thomas Aquinas (03/07) St. Thomas More (07/06) St. Thomas of Villanova (09/22) St. Tiburtius (08/11) St. Timothy (01/24) St. Titus (02/06) Bl. Urban V (12/19) St. Ursula and her companions (10/21) St. Valentine (02/14) St. Valery (12/12) St. Venant of Camerino (05/18) St. Veronica of Milan (01/13) St. Victor of Marseille (07/21) St. Victorian and his Companions (03/23) St. Vincent, martyr (01/22) St. Vincent Ferrer (04/05) St. Vincent de Paul (07/19) St. Vincent Strambi (09/25) St. Vitalis (04/28) St. Vitus (06/15) St. Wenceslas (09/28) St. Wilfrid (10/12) St. William Berruyer (01/10) St. William of Vercelli (06/25) St. Willibrord (11/07) St. Wulfran (03/20) St. Zachary (03/15) St. Zephyrinus (08/26) St. Zita (04/27)

We must have been watching a different speech. All I saw was some smarmy little slimeball with nothing to say blustering his way through a typically unsubstantial and cheap point-scoring rebuff. When the only person on your front bench who doesn't inspire a feeling a nausea is William Hague, all is not well.

In all honesty, I don't understand any of it. But I'm hoping to get stopped in the street by London Tonight so I can get all indignant about 2p on wine.

Whilst I'm at it, may I also request that the word 'divine' and the phrase 'to die for' - especially when relating to food - be sealed inside a coffin full of sick and buried at the bottom of the ocean? Many Thanks.

Cheers

Anyway, back to important matters of interior decor critique RE original 2 million pound house. My personal feeling is that metal picture frames should run at no more than 2cm; that New England-style summer houses should be seen and not heard.. and I'm not sure why the bath is resting on a dog bowl. Other than that I'm always cheered to see personal taste exercised with thought, even if it's not to mine. The one on Underhill looks like a giant went out on the piss, ate seven pizzas on the walk home and then chundered the semi-digested contents, layer by layer, back into each room.

What Sean & Mockney said

What Louisa said

When taking the dentist's waiting room challenge my top pick would probably be 'Hello'. The publication is near-perfect, in my opinion. The only thing that would improve it would be a problem page. Not your modern over-sexualised rubbish.. more along the classic lines of Mary Marryat's page from the Woman's Weekly ("I occasionally smell of onions when I sweat".. "will a glass eye ruin our love life?" etc)

Oh.. and.. What Jah said.

Thanks for owning-up Keef. What Keef Said.