Ted Max

The Royals are crap at pretending to be nice to the little people, Brendan. Outright scorn and exploitation of privilege is far more honest, and suits our national character much better. Harry and Wills have got it right, with a nice blend of undermining the self-image of socially inferior lapdog girlfriends, and drugging models in the VIP rooms at Mahiki and Boujis.

If conversation is faltering, ask her if it's true Zara is going on Strictly Come Dancing, this winter? And commiserate over the fate of future son-in-law Mike - after all, we've all got up the morning after a skinful and caned it down the M4, haven't we? Could happen to anyone.

She likes lighthouses and hairspray - that's the limit of my knowledge. You can add speeding in her Bentley, being unaccountably rude when the mood takes, carnal relations with Scottish rugby players. Often all three at the same time.

It's my username. I'm not sure why I'm being singled out as the object of your jurisprudential philosophising.

Ted? Who's Ted?

That's why in Europe, Brendan, if you're a bit under the weather in the morning, you have to say, "I think I may have had one over the 25 last night".

Here, is that in relative order?

I'm doing some live watching tomorrow (did I mention that?) and then attempting to play my own version of the game on Saturday so won't be able to join you. This Paterson fellow (think Cricinfo is spelling his name wrong) is a fine example of English batsmanship. Reminds me of fellow Beefeaters Robin Smith and Alan Lamb in his ability to hit the ball with an uncomplicated, Christian swing of the bat.

Too late, Sean. It's on the spreadsheet.

Be fair Brendan. This is a top order collapse. The middle order collapse is ahead of us yet.

No, good work. Wicket falls! Now then, Michael...

Guardian OBO. "Listen, if you have already had a bacon sandwich for breakfast and are planning to have pizza for dinner, when exactly are you supposed to fit your curry in except at lunchtime?" Indeed, Brendan van R*****, indeed. Anyone we know, emailing the O-B-O?

Morning Brendan, morning everyone. Think we'll get away on time this morning?

Sorry, madam, missed your message. See, I'm quite new to this and am just getting the hang of it. No, there's nothing tacky involved. Probably start with a little light harangue outside Green & Blue on Saturday morning. We like to give our clients a little warning in case you want your publicist to tip the paps off.

Would you like the stalker starter pack (basically a few dodgy emails and perhaps a postcard or too through the front door), or the full David Walliams? Only it's a busy time of year for me at the moment, what with the holidays coming up and all.

If you are to have lots of noobs there, can you make sure they're all in the photos? It makes keeping my dossier and white boards up to date a lot easier.

Great job on the photos. I've updated my dossier, and the printer's been whirring away most of the evening - I had to buy a new whiteboard just to fit all the new faces on, although it made drawing all the connections between them in green ink a lot harder. Anyway, once I've nailed down who that last of you is, let the stalking commence!

He's a great actor. You may have seen his arse, but I'll never forget seeing his Henry in all its glory at the National.

I bet he is.

Spotted: last night - Local actor Adrian Lester, burying his career in so-bad-it's-terrible Beeb drama Bonekickers, BBC1, 9pm. No wonder he was looking so miserable the last time I saw him in Cafe Nero. You left Hustle for this, Adrian? Time for a new agent.

This looks heaps and heaps and heaps of fun. Horsebox, did you meet any of the clebs in the video? And there's sort of a mention for you here: "Des joueurs venus des quatre coins de la France et de plus loin encore. Quatre-vingt-sept d?partements sont cette ann?e repr?sent?s, quatre de plus que l?an pass?. Les DOM-TOM ? travers la Martinique et la R?union seront pr?sents aussi. Pour cette 47e ?dition, 12 nations prendront le d?part : des p?tanqueurs venus de Suisse, d?Alg?rie, du Portugal, de Belgique, ou d?Angleterre? (voir ci-contre)"

De-duped.

When my lifestyle company is pretty much running itself, yeah, and all the wage-slaves have moved in to where I live now, driving creatives like me out of the area, I'm planning on right-sizing to Camberwell.

Loving your work *Bob*. "Eager juice" sounds a bit, well, sticky, to me.

Arf. The Beeb spotters were concentrating on gawky Gavin and the president of Real Madrid FC, but clearly hadn't noticed the Crown Prince and the lovely Letizia were in the house, until Nadal went over at the end of the game. Tsk. Keef, Australian open final had neither Nadal nor Federer in it. Federer loses in New York, and he's had a Slam-free season.