Muley

Refuge Of The Roads- Joni Mitchell

Cheers Mr P, most refreshing. By the way, you do know those pilot whale chaps are still wearing their flying jackets and goggles, and they've landed their sea plane in the swimming pool? Perhaps as senior officer here you should have a word...

On The Road To Mandalay- Frank Sinatra

Awakes from stupor, muttering..."evil...so evil...Oh hello, are you the devil...? OH CRAP, YOU ARE!" Passes out again

Don't Believe (Kiss Of Death)- New Mexican Disaster Squad (Take yer pick...)

Something Got Me started- Simply Red

Love Me Love My Dog- Peter Shelley

Enters Quiet room with a Catholic priest "There it is Father, there's the green slime possessed by the devil". There is a palpable sense of evil in the air as the marmelade turns, snarls and spits at the priest; he stares at it then slowly takes a crucifix, a bible and a flask of holy water from his bag. "'Tis worse than I feared my son. You must wait outside the room while I exorcise this evil filth". "But Father, what about all the other people in the room- surely it won't be safe for them?" "Ah, look around won'tcha. This bunch are still off their bleedin' faces after the weekend and they're up to their arses in empties. Bunch o' feckers wouldn't notice if the bastard room collapsed around their ears". "Can't argue with that. If you're sure Father..." Gives priest a quizzical look, leaves room, closes door and waits. Soon the sound of Latin incantations spoken in a firm, commanding voice followed by snarled demonic obcenities emanate from the Quiet room. The shouting becomes louder, more frantic and desperate, and the urge to join the fight against the slime is overwhelming. Burst through door and run into room... "Ahhh" growls the slime menacingly "do you puny mortals know who HonaloochieB really is?" The room begins to spin frantically as an unseen force hurls me across the room, and conciousness slips away as the evil voice spits out the name... Some time later I awake; the priest is slumped in the corner looking grim-faced but the slime has gone, leaving nothing but a foul smell behind. "Father, are you alright? What happened?" "The evil has gone now my son, there is nothing more to fear. It seems that Moos' kitchen is built on the site of an ancient Native American burial ground, which is feckin' weird for South London, and the marmelade was a portal for evil. I've blessed the Thames Water ring main system so nothing but God's clean holy water will flow from Moos' taps in future" "But Father, what about what the demon said- could HonaloochieB really be George Clooney posting on the EDF from Hollywood? "Ah no, these minions of the evil one will tell any filthy lie to confuse you, pay no mind to it. There'll be no further trouble here and I'll be on my way" And as the priest walks out of the Quiet room the pocket of his cassock falls open for a split-second to reveal a ticket for the Mott The Hoople reunion gig at the Hammersmith Apollo in October. "No. Surely not.....that couldn't have been.....could it?"

My Boomarang Won't Come Back- Rolf Harris

Whole Wide World- Wreckless Eric

All Around The World- The Jam

Move Over- Phyllis Nelson

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Mercedes Benz- Janis Joplin

Summertime DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince

Cruel Summer- BananaBastardRama

When I Was Cruel- Elvis Costello

Moos, don't you drag me into this, with your cross-thread postings, cast-iron constitution and haunted marmelade... Bob, organise an underground clown/cat fight and get yourself a piece of the betting action- ker-ching!

Yes, I noticed that. Perhaps you should consider getting your marmelade investigated for poltergeist activity- it does seem to have a life of it's own. Wait a minute, this isn't marmalade, it's ectoplasm...

Mmm, thankyou, that's very intriguing- can't say I've had green furry marmelade before but it goes very nicely with my home-made Dundee cake. Please help yourself to a slice. Come to think of it, probably best to avoid the pool for several hours after.

And does that mean it's now safe for me to show my face in the Quiet room again?

Fair enough. Can I have my bog roll back then?

Opens door to Quiet room and sneaks in holding a hand written note, a can of air freshener and a family-sized pack of Andrex toilet paper. Quickly cross room, avoiding all eye contact, and deposit items on bar. Note reads: 'Dear Moos I'm afraid there has been a bit of a mistake on my part (the effects of which will soon become apparent to you). The almonds from yesterday were the wrong batch- they were the ones I'd been soaking for three days in a powerful laxative intending to leave out for the squirrels. The little sods have dug up all my pot plants you see, so I thought I'd give the buggers 'the liquorice' to teach them a lesson. Anyway, I'm sure you'll agree it was an understandable mistake and accept my heartfelt apologies. Oh, and I brought something for the smell and this superior quality toilet tissue to ease your discomfort- look, it's enriched with soothing balm and everything! Sorry once again. I'm sure one day soon you'll be able to look back on this and laugh. Or maybe not. Your most humble, apologetic and abject servant, Muley' Crosses room, still avoiding eye contact, slips back through door and legs it up corridor rapido...

Domitianus wrote You're talking about parent & child parking spaces a bit closer to the entrance. Is that immoral? Illegal? Do you really feel your self discriminated against? Did you just mention 'making a mountain out of a molehill?' Tricky one. What's Station Manager Barrys take on that?

lenk Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I've actually conceived and had 3 kids since this > thread began over 12 years ago, and take back > whatever I might have said earlier - does > Sainsbury's DKH have space for a Hummer? Park it sideways and take up 3 disabled spaces!