Holiday

[Ted Max]

The programme, that is.

Gather round. It's a Tuesday evening, your homework looms before you, from the kitchen the smell of boiling vegetables. The TV, perhaps. Those titles. I shall never escape this life. I will buy, and wear, espadrilles. I will become that person who needs the TV to tell them whether to pack a warm sweater or not for the evenings. I know already I won't do my homework. Instead I will write letters to my future self and ponder painless ways to take my own life.

 

[Ted Max]

This week, someone who was on Blue Peter tries out an off-season family holiday on the Fylde coast. Their two (of course) children are encrouaged into some compulsory bird watching. Do they enjoy having their holidays filmed, you wonder.

[katie1997]

Ted - you've captured a very important distinction here

now I remember that my mum actually wore these in the 1980's

[Ted Max]

A man introduces us to an activity holiday on Yugoslavia's Dalmatian Coast. He is going to learn to sail. Don't worry, he says, the instructors are all fully qualified and only some of them will try and sleep with your wife.

You, and he, know, that his outlink will include a 101 Dalmatians pun. Neither of you can avoid it.

[*Bob*]

Pan pipes.. you don't hear enough of them these days.

Listening back, the music sounds exactly like what you used to hear when you pressed the 'demo' button on a fancy-pants music keyboard and it tried to impress you by using as many of its super-realistic sounds as possible.

[Ted Max]

Of course, Katie. If she was still with your dad at the time she would wish that he wear a cashmere v-neck over his shoulders in the Italian style. A Blue Harbour cotton tied round the waist, though, was his best effort. Returning from Larnaca they would discover that the mice had returned, and that that patch was back in the bathroom.

[Ted Max]

The internet says Paul Hardcastle, *Bob*.

[*Bob*]

I'm sure it still gets an outing on wistful chillout compilation CDs - given away free with The Mail.

Along with that other one. The one with the monks and stuff.

[PeckhamRose]

BANG!

"Cheers"!

[Ted Max]

What?

[Ted Max]

The warnings of potential danger in even the most placid of activities. A Holiday staple that will have you reaching for the razor blades in no time.

"The City is a perfect size for walking but some of the pavements can be uneven, so do bring some sturdy shoes..."

"The seas are a perfect temperature for swimming but the urchin spines can sting, so do pack some antihistamine..."

"A typical cruise round the bay is only half an hour, but make sure you cconsult your insurance before boarding..."

"You can hire bikes from any shop along the front. Experienced cyclists may want to bring their own helmets..."

[Ted Max]

In Foreign, someone is always trying to rip you off. Advice is delivered. Usually in a special, "serious, it's OK because I'm a world traveller but you are just a dim prole" voice.

"Always take a licensed taxi from the airport, if you are travelling independently..."

"Wear a money belt under your clothing. It can't be seen or easily stolen..."

"Remember, such excursions are usually extra and can be expensive..."

"Only book on official tours, as touts will operate outside most major attractions..."

[Ted Max]

What people require on Holiday is a little local colour. But not too much.

"Haggling is expected - just be prepared to drive a hard bargain..." Reporter turns to market stall and pretends to be disagreeing vehemently with the stall owner over the price of a hideous leather handbag.

"In the evening, that's when the locals come out to show off and promenade..." Shot of two locals walking home from the office.

"If you fancy trying your hand at salsa, there will be no shortage of offers to help you learn..." Reporter sways out onto deserted dancefloor accompanied by an embarrassed looking waiter.

"The locals like nothing better than finishing their meal with a glass of local spirits, so why not join in?" Reporter swigs shot. Family from Bromsgrove on the next table issue an ironic cheer.

[Narnia]

Ted, are you flogging a dead horse here or do just feel like writing?

[Jah Lush]

Hey! don't knock it Narnia I'm rather enjoying this thread having just caught up with it. Anyway, reminds me of John Cooper Clarke's immortal Majorca, which is definitely worth repeating here.

Fasten your seatbelts says a voice

inside the plane you can't hear no noise

engines made by Rolls Royce

take your choice

...make mine Majorca

check out the parachutes

can't be found

alert those passengers

they'll be drowned

a friendly mug says "settle down"

when I came round I was gagged and bound

...for Majorca

and the eyes caress

the neat hostess

her unapproachable flip finesse

I found the meaning of the word excess

they've got little bags if you wanna make a mess

I fancied Cuba but it cost me less

...to Majorca

(Whose blonde sand fondly kisses the cool fathoms of the blue Mediteranean)

they packed us into the white hotel

you could still smell the Polycell

wet white paint in the air-conditioned cells

the waiter smelled of fake Chanel

Gaulois... Garlic as well

says if I like... I can call him "Miguel"

...well really

I got drunk with another fella

who'd just brought up a previous paella

he wanted a fight but said they were yella'

...in Majorca

the guitars rang and the castinets clicked

the dancer's stamped and the dancer's kicked

it's likely if you sang in the street you'd be nicked

the Double Diamond flowed like sick

Mother's Pride, tortilla and chips

pneumatic drills when you try to kip

...in Majorca

a stomach infection put me in the shade

must have been something in the lemonade

but by the balls of Franco I paid

had to pawn my bucket and spade

next year I'll take the International Brigade.

...to Majorca

[????]

Or, of course

[????]

katie1997 Wrote:

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> >

> Ted - you've captured a very important distinction

> here

>

> now I remember that my mum actually wore these in

> the 1980's

Oi, as Rosie knows, a few of the high fashionastas of the early 80's spent their very hip summers in these (Espadrilles)

*thinks about looking for Young Guns (Go for it) video on you tube*

[RosieH]

Hell yeah - and a lot of fashionistas are rocking them this summer too (?40 in Selfridges, ?6 down Brixton market)

I rather fancy a pair in fetching orange

Oh and Jah, stop it. I'm off to Mallorca on Thursday and it's going to be swelegant.

[PeckhamRose]

Ted Max sorry my post was a bit weird and tastefree.

BANG was a bit cruel, and CHEERS was the word used at the end of most Holiday reports as they drank the local plonk and raised their glass to the camera/us.

[katie1997]

[quote=????

a few of the high fashionastas of the early 80's spent their very hip summers in these (Espadrilles)]

You've met my mum then?

[????]

Was she in the Club Tropicana video?

[katie1997]

???? Wrote:

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> Was she in the Club Tropicana video?

I did wonder where she went off to that night in those shoes!