Advice on violent behaviour in toddlers please

[Fi from West Dulwich]

My loving, happy, confident 16.5 month old little boy, who used to be known as the 'gentle giant', has been displaying what I can only describe as violent behaviour in recent weeks. This is quite a shock to me, as he is happy and extremely affectionate and it really isn't born of anger or frustration, but he will, if unsupervised, bite, pull hair and swipe at other children (even, rarely, at adults). It seems that it is simply hugely satisfying for him to flex his muscles - he is very large and strong for his age, and always his been, and he just seems to delight in his physical power. What makes it harder is that he is utterly unfazed by my displeasure afterwards, and just roars with laughter if I am as fierce as can be, or merrily finds something else to play with if I remove him from the room. Ultimately he hates, hates, hates to be ignored or denied my attention/affection, so after a while this does upset him, but because of the time lag in incident and his upset I don't think he associates the latter as a consequence.

To give a bit of background on how he is been brought up so far, he is still breast fed, co-sleeps, has me at home with him every day and generally has never had trauma or separation from us, and we are not about to start undermining this firm attachment and confidence, but nor can this behaviour become a habit as it is simply not safe or socially acceptable. We are also quite firm with him when he is into mischief. His language isn't brilliant - he is perfectly bright but doesn't have more than a handful of words and is so intent on charging about that he doesn't give much time or attention to verbal communication.

I am going to get him a doll and tea set (don't laugh, I'm told this helps foster gentler, nurturing behaviour in boys and he is certainly rather taken with his girl cousins' tea sets!). Phew, quite exhausted after yet another day of lurking behind his every step trying to protect his poor cousins whilst we all stay at Granny and Grandpa's house, and would be most grateful for your advice if you have had similar experiences. I feel terrible posting this; he really is a delightful child and couldn't be more loving, but he has to learn to control his strength and not to give into every physical impulse, no matter how satisfying it is to pull girl's hair or bite their nose.

[cuppa tea]

My little boy can be like this. He was certainly like that at 16 months. I don't think it's anything to worry about Fi. He was very frustrated before he could speak and just resorted to violence because he was so frustrated at not being able to communicate. He does seem to also need a high level of attention. Once he could communicate more effectively he was less aggressive in the totally random sense. It does still happen if he is tired and impatient. Sometimes he has trouble if he desperately wants to play with another child, but just doesn't have the social skill yet to be able to vocalise his need so tends to antagonise them instead. 16 months is very young, so I really wouldn't worry too much. I understand that it can be totally mortifying though! Mine was breastfed, shared our bed and I've been at home with him also. I found that scolding him about it makes it worse, so tend to just take him off for a bit and get him out of the situation with other kids which he is obviously finding difficult to handle..not in a punishment kind of way, just for a breather and re-group. Certain children/environments tend to bring it out in him. He is a little mischief maker and at 3 still learning about social encounters. He is incredibly perceptive and he picks up on the social pressure I am feeling with other mums too, so he acts up even more. I tend to choose playmates more carefully these days, as it can make a massive difference. My lad is very small for his age, so it's easier in that sense as he doesn't tend to try it on with bigger kids...funny how they suss that one out very quickly!!

Anyway, it will resolve itself. Just take the pressure off both of you and don't worry about it.

[Fi from West Dulwich]

Thank you so much Cuppa Tea, you've replied to another of my posts before if I recall, and sound lovely! So reassuring to hear from other mothers and particularly from mothers of challenging boys. Thank you again, Fi

[GinaG3]

I'm in the exact same phase with my daughter right now. She is 18 months now and still we are struggling. Im still breastfeeding aswell, we recently stopped co-sleeping and she now sleeps in her own bed. I rarely go anywhere without her, she is always at my hip. The problem she has is with me though mainly, she wouldn't dare with other kids she is too loving of little people, she is friendly and shares with others well, she gets really upset when other toddlers try to push her around. The violence was extremely bad at night at around 14/15/16 months, hence moving her to her own cot, worked an absolute treat right next to our bed just so she couldn't smell me in the night and wake to feed. Right now the most exciting thing to her is slapping me round the face whilst feeding or scratching my chest. I get pulled along like a rag doll, this is no exaggeration - she will actually try and walk off whilst feeding dragging me along with her at 'teethpoint'. I ignore, I tell off, nothing gives. I'm hoping she grows out of it soon. Do you get out a lot, I think this is route cause for most of my daughters behavior. If we went out more and she was distracted it would possibly be easier. Although, we do already have the 'Im sitting here and not moving for NOTHING' tantrum in the middle of the park sometimes too. You just cannot win with the little monsters, and then you cannot win with the big monsters either. Lifes tough for us Mums!!!

[Fuschia]

Our child no 1 would bite others, once he realised it got him what he wanted. He would draw blood. If there was someone at a playgroup calling "Whose little boy is this?" it was always him. His language was very advanced as well, so couldn't blame that.

There is a certain point they develop empathy and realise what they do is HURTING, until then they are totally oblivious and just see it as a way to get what they want. It should improve once they realise what they're doing.

Twin II went through a phase of biting twin I, since about 2 yo she has realised it hurts him and does it a lotless. Encoyraging nurturing and gentle play will do no harm.. Sign and sign DVD or class might help him express himself. But mostly, this is a stage and it will pass.

[Fuschia]

http://www.drkutner.com/parenting/articles/develop_empathy.html

[apenn]

If it makes you feel any better FI, I've heard stories about my husband's bullying behavior when he was young. Apparently he was kicked out of a toddler group for biting the other children, and he can even remember being a bit of a bully as a small school child. He too was always the biggest kid when he was younger so I guess he went through a phase of testing and exercising his stregnth. As an adult he is a very gentle man - big teddy bear type. So even if this behavior continues for a bit, it doesn't seem to be a determining factor of adult behavior.

-A

[LoopyMum]

It can be very upsetting and you do feel helpless at times. Our youngest is a boy and only 13 months old and he scratches, bites, throws things across the living room and will point blank refuse to sit in a highchair screaming and stretching his torso to get out.

Its a shock to my system as our girls never displayed such behavior and every day outings are becoming a big chore.

As a treat I took all the children out to lunch today and to get a few treats from Soup Dragon. He threw his food

on the floor, wacked my arm and screeched for what seemed like eternity and then howled in his stroller all the way down

Lordship Lane. I felt sorry for the girls as they were trying to pretend that the noise and obvious stress I was under

was not disturbing them in anyway.

So your not alone.

[Fi from West Dulwich]

Well the fact that I am in good company does at least make me feel better! And in fact after posting on here I woke up the next day with new resolve to be understanding and have given him more attention than usual and seen far fewer 'attacks'. I think he suffers more from insecurities over my attention when other children are around that he shows and that I have given him credit for, and have resolved to spend more one to one time with him from now on. Hopefully this detente will continue...

[susyp]

My daughter used to bite when she was about 16-18 months. I introduced the naughty step and that seemed to stop it - she used to bite me and other children if they had toys she wanted - it was awful. Then a couple of months ago just before she turned 2 she started pushing other children - and she is quite strong so they would fall over and often hurt themselves - it really really became awful going to groups etc with her. She was influenced by a little boy she met in one of the groups who did it. So I left that group so she doesn't see him anymore (bad influence at 2 years old!!!) Then I introduced "good girl stickers" and she got one everytime she was good to other children in a group - I think of all the behavioural things I've tried it's been the most effective- it worked straight away - and now she is really good with other children. My only problem now is she is over affectionate and can cuddle far too tightly - especially little ones. But at least their parents no longer think she is demon child!!

The other thing I worked out was that she was bored - so I now take her to groups with 2 1/2 + year olds (she is 2) - before she was in groups with slightly younger children. That also worked a treat and she has had no problems learning slightly harder things (she is a July baby so now is in groups with her year group which is great). And it made me worry less as at least the children are now all bigger than her and the parents less protective because of that.

I am a stay at home Mum and co-slept with her also and haven't done any controlled crying so it can't be attention seeking - I think it is just working out how to play with other children. But I did notice (as with cuppa tea post) with the pushing when I was telling her off all the time it wasn't working - that's why I decided to offer her praise instead. Not easy working out the psychology of a toddler is it! It was really really awful - seeing your child who you know is affectionate behaving like that for no reason at all - and seeing other parents judge her.

susypx

[Fi from West Dulwich]

Quite agree Susyp, have also noticed the boredom factor, and that praise is more of an incentive than discipline. It is so hard - they are still very little, and yet you don't want their behaviour to result in them becoming the child that everyone else avoids, or, as my mother helpfully contributed, the one that has to be expelled from nursery!

[hpsaucey]

I think a LOT of children go through a stage like this, so please don't feel you;re alone in this one (and I'm sure you don't given the number of replies). I'm sure most of us who have gone through this would say that its a phase that they DO get over. My first didn't really act like this but my second did/does. We used the usual mix of displacement activity/disapproval (whilst trying to be reassuring as well) etc. The posts above have said it all really with their usual great ED common sense! Good luck. Like all things, it will pass....

Helen

[minder]

Like all things it will pass - just wait until their teens!

[cuppa tea]

By the way, I think the doll idea is great. My little boy was breastfeeding a doll at the one o'clock club recently and saying "ah you've hurt yourself let me kiss it better". I was absolutely amazed - real empathy! very heartwarming. Then in the next minute he had rammed his bike, at full speed, into one of those cars with a small kid inside leaving her screaming, but hey none of us are angels all the time!!

[Fi from West Dulwich]

How adorable - and heart warming. I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of a Steiner doll specifically for toddlers to encourage empathy, and I am ashamed to admit how much it cost (organic etc etc, and gender neutral, and they got me during a fit of maternal guilt which Early Learning Centre just couldn't assuage). But then perhaps we'll save on plastic surgery bills for his cousins?!

[reren]

Fiona - my brother is having real trouble with his toddler biting - how do you use steiner dolls? I looked them up online and saw a few examples - could you use any doll or is there something specific about the steiner dolls - and how you 'use' them?

[Fi from West Dulwich]

Reren, I don't know how you 'use' the Steiner dolls as such, but they were recommended to me by my sister, who saw a friend's sons playing beautifully with them, being really gentle and tender. Steiner dolls tend to be plainer and have less 'personality' than ordinary dolls, which helps the child to identify themself with the doll (put perhaps more simply it is easier for my little boy to identify with the plain features of his Steiner doll than with a rag doll with pig tails, freckles, a cheerful smile, a striped dress and absolutely no similarity to himself). There isn't a set way to play with the dolls but the Steiner philosophy is, in my novice experience, all to do with letting the child learn about the world and himself through role play and exploration, and encourages creativity and imagination (and empathy) through limiting exposure to things like TV and modern day toys of the battery operated variety, which don't require any visualisation from the child. I don't think you could buy the doll as a solution to biting, but I do like the idea that my gung ho son is engaging with toys that require imagination and that encourage empathy, as we do things together like pretend to feed and cuddle the doll. Who knows whether it will work or not, but it is certainly nice to see him cuddling the doll rather than looking for new victims!

[reren]

Sounds like a really good idea - I shall pass on the tip!

[Fi from West Dulwich]

And good luck to your brother - it is mortifying having a 'biter'!