Parenting and self esteem; thoughts?

[pebbles]

Thanks so much sillywoman - pls let me/us know how much we owe you

[sillywoman]

Have emailed the company. Am going for 50, 25mm orange background, "I like biscuits", badges initially & we can see how they go. Will let everyone know when they're here.

[edanna]

Well done!

[Saffron]

Hahahah :-D How lovely! xx

[sillywoman]

Badges should be here by the end of this week/ beginning of next. Will post as soon as they arrive.

[new mother]

Ladies (and any gentlemen posting)

THis thread started out sensible enough but... you know what? It makes me feel a bit sick to read it now. Especially at Christmas, I am starting to think with huge sadness of the mothers - we are all mothers - who only have coffins of their 20 year old "children" or the young amputees our country's wars have generated and I think - yes, THEY have stress, pain and worries. I feel massive pain for the breast cancer mothers writing keepsake books for their young children.

To read post after post of our worries and loneliness, as I say, makes me feel a bit like our priorities have gone awry. I am equally at fault as I spend time on this forum and it's made me realise that this time could have been much better spent. Instead of whinging, let's focus on how incredibly lucky we are - we have happy healthy families in the main, I hope and pray and, especially at Christmas, we should be counting our blessings instead of indulging in such selfpity.

No doubt, I'll be criticised for the post but, if you read back through the thread of we affluent, young, healthy people, I think you might be sickened too.

[Saffron]

I'm not affluent or healthy.

Edited to say, You won't be taking a badge then new mother???

;)

xx Saff xx

PS: Still not healthy or affluent... and as of tomorrow, young is up for debate too.

[The Nappy Lady]

New Mother, I think the issues you raise are good ones, but I think it's a bit unfair to raise them 'in comparison' to the issues on this thread. I think one of the hardest things when you become a parent is being able to put your hand up & say 'help' & some of the people on the thread may have done that for the first time.

Almost anything can be put into a different context if you compare it to other dreadfully sad events in this world & yes we all have many things to feel blessed about, but it is OK to sometimes say 'this is hard' & denying that can be downright unhealthy.

[Mellors]

But the point of the thread is that you don't have to live in a war zone, or be suffering from a terminal illness to feel sad, lonely, depressed, or generally just in need of a friendly chat? There is no monopoly on these feelings, and no one socio-economic or geographical group is more or less "entitled" to feel that way.

That's not to say that we don't all give thanks that we are not in those dreadful situations.

I think that feeling "sickened" by people's admissions that they sometimes feel well, a bit rubbish and in need of a smile, is a bit OTT?

[new mother]

Molly, You are sort of making my point. In the great scheme, we are very lucky.

I for one need to remind myself more frequently - I worry dreadfully about e.g. schools and, in the great scheme, that's unimportant too. I'm lucky to have children to worry about educating. I think perspective is needed.

Saffron, on reflection, I'm feeling quite old and gray too!

[new mother]

Mellors, Balance is needed. Yes, we all want more fun and "a smile" but we're adults, frankly. Deal with it.

I started off agreeing with the thread but the direction it has taken is for me, sad and out of proportion.

Does no-one else think that this constant modern need to "emote" is just as bad, unhealthy and extreme as the old fashioned stiff upper lip? How about getting on with it and making the best of it, old fashioned ideas I know, but maybe worth contemplating?

Maybe make a moment to ponder what I'm saying ladies and gentlemen and think about people with real problems? Please don't dismiss it out of hand?

edited typo

[Mellors]

I've pondered what you are saying and it reminds me of my mother telling me to "just pull myself together" when I was deep in the throes of postnatal depression, suicidal and reaching out for help.

As mothers we do deal with it, day in, day out, night in, night out as a matter of course, but there's nothing wrong with trying to make it more fun. Is there? Or at the very least having a good old moan!

[The Nappy Lady]

New Mother, I've had my own share of 'balance' and 'dealing with it' actually. For instance during the 3 years when I couldn't have a 2nd baby, and had 3 miscarriages, and an ectopic which resulted in a lost fallopian tube...how did I cope....by thinking how lucky I was to have a little girl already, that I could go home and cuddle, and by thinking of all the people out there who were going through what I was, but didn't have a child at all. I was able to recognise how lucky I was, but was that enough to stop me having moments when I'd feel like screaming out loud, or sobbing my heart out - no.

I hate to be confrontational, but frankly I find it more sickening that you feel you can come on a thread and judge people you don't know, or know anything about.

Don't assume the people on here are not also thinking of others. This thread was specifically about how hard it is to be a parent sometimes, so that is what they are discussing ON THIS THREAD. Don't read more into it than that. It is no bad thing to remind us all that there are worse things in the world, but I felt you did more than that in your post, and actually you sounded very (and in my mind unfairly) critical.

My previous post was not trying to agree with your point, I am more in agreement with Mellors post on the subject.

[Belle]

Oh - I'm glad I'm not reading this part of the thread, well new mother's post, circa 20 months ago as it would have been the last thing I needed - I'm with Mellors on how it felt to be deep in the throes of PND, and whilst your logical mind can tell you that of course you are a million times better off than many, many people, that is hardly a match for the deeply illogical power of something like depression. Realise that this thread doesn't just pertain to depression, but it does also cover those very common feelings of new motherhood: anxiety, nervousness, inadequacy. I think it's great that forums such as this exist to provide much needed support: hearing that others are going through the same thing surely makes us more, not less, likely to appreciate that our troubles are not insurmountable or so very great in the scheme of things?

[BEANIE1]

Hi Sillywoman, thank you for sorting the badges - I look forward to wearing one.

[pebbles]

New Mother - I have to say I was a little shocked by your post - to say that you felt sick by it - what an utterly bizarre thing to say on a thread that is by mothers who are asking for a bit of help. We're not on a thread discussing other life alterating things we are going through, we were discussing motherhood.

Do you know what makes me "feel sick" - that you said that we were healthy, affluent and healthy. You know absolutely nothing about us, well certainly not me. You don't know whether we have been through or have loved ones who have gone through cancer, death, war, sorrow, illness.

My priorities have not gone awry. Just cos I write on a forum that it would be nice to make some new friends and how i'm finding motherhood difficult and it would be nice to share it with other people does not mean that i'm not thinking about other people who are worse off than me. Absolutely not. I have re read this thread since your post New Mother and I promise you apart from your post not one thing has "sickened me"

Don't assume what other people are like. I for one am very very grateful for this thread. I already have a couple of "dates" due to this thread and i'm looking forward to meeting these new people and hopefully bonding over our motherhood experiences, and you never know we may find we have more in common with other life experiences as well.

Beanie1 - I agree with you and I look forward to wearing a badge

[Keef]

Come on everyone, take a chill pill. New mother generalised about a few things rather unwisely, but to be fair, she was just trying to make a general point. Yes she chose the wrong place to do it, but really, this doesn't need to turn in to a competition no who has had the hardest time. Good work BEANIE1, for trying to get this thread back on track.

[new mother]

Dear All, To clarify, I was only talking about whingeing about minutiae and not, certainly not, the serious matters others have mentioned above.

[pebbles]

Fair enough Keef, I forget that quite regularly I explain what i mean using wrong words - ends me in all sorts of trouble with my mum!!!

So.... onto far more important things... Keef - are you going to wear a badge?? Go on, you know you want to :)

[Keef]

I suspect it would be a wasted badge, as I'm never about to go to any groups in dulwich. Perhaps I'll wear an "I like beer" badge. And if any of you friendly mums see me in a pub, you can feel free to come and buy me a drink and have a chat ;-)

[Yorkie]

Now that's what the badges should've said! I'd like a biscuit badge please. I don't post that often but am frequently lurking late evening/early morning. The family room has kept me sane during what has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Learning how to parent is tough and no-one tells you that. Or if they do you don't really believe them... Like others have already said, it's knowing you're not alone in feeling that way. I've had some amazingly supportive responses to my woes, small and large. They were all real worries at the time.

Also, if you were stuck with something at work you'd ask your colleagues/friends/boss for some

help woulnd't you. We should treat this job, one of our most important ones, in the same way. Ask for help, seek reassurance we're doing it "right" and remember that if your baby was scoring your annual appraisal s/he'd always give you a 10 :-)

(& er her comes the self-doubt bit, just read it back & realized work analogy sounds a bit naff but have resisted urge to edit!)

[Saffron]

Keef Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I suspect it would be a wasted badge, as I'm never

> about to go to any groups in dulwich. Perhaps I'll

> wear an "I like beer" badge. And if any of you

> friendly mums see me in a pub, you can feel free

> to come and buy me a drink and have a chat ;-)

My husband would deffo wear one of those!

[citizenED]

Can't help thinking that with the "I like biscuits" badge, Biscuits would be a great username!

[Ko]

reading this thread as i dunk biscuits in my cup of tea!! :))

[littleEDfamily]

Yorkie Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Now that's what the badges should've said! I'd

> like a biscuit badge please. I don't post that

> often but am frequently lurking late evening/early

> morning. The family room has kept me sane during

> what has been one of the hardest things I've ever

> done. Learning how to parent is tough and no-one

> tells you that. Or if they do you don't really

> believe them... Like others have already said,

> it's knowing you're not alone in feeling that way.

> I've had some amazingly supportive responses to my

> woes, small and large. They were all real worries

> at the time.

>

> Also, if you were stuck with something at work

> you'd ask your colleagues/friends/boss for some

>

> help woulnd't you. We should treat this job, one

> of our most important ones, in the same way. Ask

> for help, seek reassurance we're doing it "right"

> and remember that if your baby was scoring your

> annual appraisal s/he'd always give you a 10 :-)

>

>

>

> (& er her comes the self-doubt bit, just read it

> back & realized work analogy sounds a bit naff but

> have resisted urge to edit!)

I like the work analogy, Yorkie.