How many children are best?

[bee74]

I only have one and I am torn between stopping or having another one.

On a practical level I am more inclined towards one. I think one is best because now that is almost two i have more independence and i can start looking ahead to things I want to do for me, one is manageable, one is cheaper - I love to travel (I am writing this from Kenya)and the cost of travelling with two after two would be astronomical.

However, being an only child, I would love my son to have another experience and have a sibling he is going to have a bond with for the rest of his life.

So on the emotional level, I am more inclined towards two: I think wouldn't it be nice to be pregnant again, to have a tiny one in my arms and also I would love for my son to have a companion, an accomplice and maybe, who knows, two would entertain each other and give me less work (selfish!).

Please tell me about your experiences of what number of children yoou think is best and why.

Thank you

[womanofdulwich]

no need to rush this. Lots of people have children 2 years apart, and if you have a 2 year old you do wonder if you are missing out.However the cost of choldcare for 2 preschoolers was too much for me and there are 4 years between mine. It actually felt about right as a 4 year old can get themselves dressed and fed and walk without a buggy. Most cars take 4 comfortably, and if there are 2 parents then 2 children means one each to look after.I think the answer depends on :

what can you afford- of course this is all relative- but you will have to make sacrifices in terms of money- but if you still have all the kit from the first one then it is really not that bad as a start up

your fertility and health

your partners and your wishes

your childs personality

space

your lifestyle- but to be honest I think you can compromise on this big time, there is no time for selfish me time holidays, your children and how easy they will be to look after will take priority. We had no big holidays, just saw family for the first 5 years.

There is no right answer- just need to be able to live with the consequences. Children are of course a gift,and not a right.:)

[littleEDfamily]

I was thinking about this the other day, and I am glad we left 3.5 years between kids as (despite the ups and downs), I think it was great to be able to really appreciate your first child and every minute detail of their early years development without the 'distraction' of a second one. You're right that it's so much easier to travel with one child, and also make arrangements for one child so that you can do other things (like having a social life and working!) - it's definitely a less chaotic life!

But.. the sheer joy I have had from watching my little ones' sibling relationship develop and the new dynamic of a four person family, has (despite the fact that I am beyond exhausted and frequently frazzled), made me so much happier than I ever was with just one child. It's odd, really, but 2 kids for me feels like a proper family and I like the idea of them having each other when I am gone.

A very personal decision, but I tend to think you will probably never regret having a second, but if you are thinking about it enough to post on here and are as torn as you are, there is a real possibility you may regret sticking with one. There's always the twillight years to travel the world!!

[zeban]

My sister is my best friend :)

[berryberry]

A sibling is for life!

I think people seem to focus on what it is like having young children but I think as an adult I'm really glad I have siblings because my child has cousins, when my mum got cancer we were all there for each other, help moving house, someone to fight with at christmas. There is so much in life that when you grow up and your parents are gone it is nice to look about you and still have family. I suppose there is weighing up what effect having one has on your life and what it would mean to your child's life.

[littleEDfamily]

So true that we tend to focus on the immediate impact of having children. Like berryberry, having a sister when my mum got cancer (and later died) made it easier than it might have been had I had to go it alone. And also, the fact that my mum had a sister meant we have a wonderful Aunt that we adore in her own right and is a link to my late mum.

On a lighter note, I had a long term boyfriend who was an only child and HATED it, and that always made me nervous about stopping at one. He said the best years of his childhood were when he was at boarding school...yikes!

[gwod]

Ive met lots of people who regret putting a stop to their family, but I have never met a family who regreted having one of their children. I often think "I wish I could afford to travel overseas with my whole family", but Ive never once wished that I had one or two less kids so that it would actually be possible!

Best of luck with the decision making.

[GinaG3]

Me and my partner are total opposites on this subject. He is one of two and would apparently 'rather have been an only child' I don't think he would honestly. I'm one of 5 and I want a larger than one child family. I couldn't bare the thought of my daughter ever feeling lonely or sitting playing toys on her own. I was always dead set on having 3, but after having my daughter and taking into account my partners views on the subject I have decided on 2, he still has just the one in his head, but he has been given 6 years maximum to make his decision... *fingers crossed* of course there is always unplanned pregnancy!

I don't mind all the no holiday, stuck in at weekend generally. I'm at the age where I should be out clubbing with friends every weekend, but my life is more important than that now and I have more meaningful things to do. Personally I'm the sort of person that would give an arm or leg, maybe even both for another child and would sacrifice another 2-3 years of 24hr care and attention because I always think I can do stuff for myself later on.

I understand how you feel 110% though, my daughter is on the brink of turning 2 also and I feel for the first time in the last 3 years (including pregnancy) I'm not completely chained down.. Best of luck with your decision!

[Susie1791]

Bea, I totally understand your dilemma, my son is just over 2 and also for practical reasons it would be so much easier to stop at one for most of the same reasons as you mention, plus my family live abroad and just having one child has really curbed how often I go due to cost and how much palaver it involves. Having another child fills me with concern as to how we would cope financially and practically as we have no support here and everything we do involves having to pay someone, no family nearby to just 'drop' them off to for a few hours. All seem shallow reasons when I type them but reasons none the less. I come from a very large family and I feel so guilty for making my son a only child and I'm the worlds worst at making decisions so I don't know whether I will ever really get around to having another and time is ticking along, 40 next year so good luck Bea with whatever decision you make, I know how tricky it is!

[newcomer]

I wouldn't feel guilty if you decide to stick to one child as I'm not convinced that only children are necessarily any more lonely than those with siblings.

My mother was an only child and is the most sociable, gregarious person I know. In some ways, it's arguable that that was because she *had* to be. However, if you ask her she says she didn't feel lonely growing up as she always had other children to play with, and she had an incredibly strong bond with her parents.

Although,on the other hand, my father is one of 9 children and was also very happy. So I guess it all has more to do with the child's personality than anything else.

There was an article in Time magazine recently called "The Only Child Myth". The subtitle was "They are meant to be selfish, spoiled and lonely. In fact, they're just fine- and on the rise".

Maybe worth a read to help you with your decision?

[Pugwash]

Huibby and I are both only children, now that all his family are dead, he only has our family. Both of us had daughters from our first relationships and another daughter (No 3) from ours. The age difference between is 13 years and 11 years. Our daughter is very close to the sister 13 years her senior andthey text each other weekly. This daughter also has 2 children who adore their aunt. Daughter No1.'s partner comes from a large family - grew up with mother and step father and 3 siblings. He also has 3 half siblings from his step father's first marriage, plus loads of cousins. All meet up/in touch regularly and there is always children around to play.

Neither hubby or I wanted to have one child and are glad we had a second child, albeit many years apart. Daughter No2 has 4 children from 1 - 16 years, but is also not close to her half sisters on her mother's side,or her half sister on Dad's side, nor her husband's family, but the children always have lots of friends to play with.

I guess it is also about personality - you may only have one child but you actively encourage that child to have lots of friends round to play, have sleep overs etc. The child may have loads of cousins etc and a good social and support network.

[newcomer]

Link to Time article in case you are interested:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2002382,00.html

[jcw]

also a recent article from the Guardian...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/nov/14/only-children-happier-competition-bullying

(hope the link works!)

I am a (very happy!) only child and it never ceases to amaze me the stigma that seems to be attached to being an only child or having just one child. My parents decided to have just one child as they decided they couldn't "afford" more ("afford" being very subjective - they wanted me to be able to have nice holidays etc). I will probably have a similar view. I know lots of people who are very close to their siblings but I also know a similar number who although they haven't fallen out or anything, aren't that close and just see them a couple of times a year.

Just to bring another viewpoint to the table...!

[Belle]

I nearly posted a similar comment earlier, JCW. Although I have a brother I'm close to, it's a four year gap - yet I have friends who are not at all close to their siblings (seeing each other once a year at christmas, basically) and know several v happy only children too.

[cate]

Having children is an essentially selfish act so don't fool yourself that you are doing it for the sibling. I think I would have enjoyed being an only child but I never got to find out. I have a good friend who is an only child and she is a joy to be with When I first met her she told me her mother told me that she loved her so much she didn't want any other children because she couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as her.

[Belle]

hmm - I don't agree that it's a selfish act, personally. My comment (not that you were necessarily responding to it, but just to clarify) was more meant to point out that how our children will get on with/without siblings is very hard to predict, and possibly not too much should be 'counted on'. I know someone who gets quite a lot of hassle and criticism for 'only' have one and I always feel very annoyed on her behalf about that.

[The Nappy Lady]

I'm really pleased we had a 2nd....the just over 4 year age gap is perfect, the girls are really close, despite what is considered a 'big gap'. On Friday night we were talking to our eldest (6) about how brilliant she's been with her sister since day 1 - always loved her, never jealous etc. and she said "I love C, I always want to be near to her"......I just love their relationship. Now at 2 C follows her big sister around and pretty much repeats word for word anything she says, it is so cute.

I feel that having a sibling has 'knocked the edges' of our eldest, she's had to learn that she doesn't always come first and has become much more thoughtful and better at sharing. As a parent, I think it is very hard not to spoil an only child, simply because of the nature of the relationship, for us having a 2nd child has been nothing but positive.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[ClareC]

My sister wasn't born until I was 7, having been an only child and one of two can definitely say having a sister is far preferable. I always said I would never have one child (by choice)as a result.

I don't think being an only child is necessary lonely, that very much depends on the child and parent's concerned, I do however think that being an only child makes the "burden" of elderly or ill parents far harder. It's not just elderly parents but any family "trauma", far easier to deal with when shared.

My daughter is currently an only child and adores seeing her cousins. Sad to think if she were to stay an only child her children may never have cousins/aunt's uncles.

Don't agree that having children is essentially a selfish act - not entirely sure what the basis for this argument could be.

[Keef]

I understand what cate is saying, just don't think it was put very well. Lets be onest though, we don't have kids in order to provide the workers of the future. A friend of mine just had a second kid, specifically to provide a sibling for his son. Whilst I understand this, I don't think that that alone is good enough to bring a new life in to the world.

[littleEDfamily]

I think having a first child may be considered a selfish act, but I think most people who have a second or subsequent children do so having given some consideration to the existing children, potential children as well as themselves.

Let's not forget that essentially everything we do in life is selfish. Having kids is no more selfish than trying to get yourself a decent place to live in, a good education or having a fulfilling career. Even those who spend their lives 'doing good' are doing so primarily as they get satisfaction from it.

I agree that the stigma attached to only children is unfair - the only children I know are wonderful, sociable people, but they all report feeling lonely as children and wishing they had a sibling. I'm sure there are others who feel quite differently, and equally I don't feel it's a parents duty to always put themselves second. I would have loved more siblings (esp a brother) - doesn't mean my parents should have had more children.

[chantelle]

it's a hard call, of course. When I wasn't being horribly bullied and beat up by my brother (3.5 years older), I was desperately lonely. Fortunately we became friends as adults but it really made my younger years unpleasant.

we almost certainly won't be able to have another, so I am embracing the bright side of one child (he is now 2.5). Long haul holidays are affordable and relatively pain free, private schooling is within reach if need be, and we can comfortably live in a 3-bed house with regular visitors without an eventual squeeze.

If I had the choice though i'd probably want another, it would be hard to resist the possibility.

[Dickensman]

All the singletons at school were different to the rest of us.

They all seemed happier in the company of adults than with other children, and they didn't or couldn't fantasise about stuff like other kids either, almost as if they couldn't play with other children.

One aged nun I spoke to whilst crossing to Ireland said "I always think a single child is a lonely child".

The same nun also said "if you are born a dunce you will die a dunce".

When as an adult you tell a child off for doing something wrong, one can sometimes make a mistake and get it wrong, in such cases the other child will speak up for it's brother or sister but a singleton loses out on that advantage.

My ex-wife would have stopped after one child, but the then nanny said 'when we were long gone they have no one of their own around', so we had two.

They are good friends and the eldest who has a more hesitant outlook on life, gains confidence from her younger sibling who doesn't seem to have a nerve in her body.

Had I been rich I would have liked a larger family, but I don't think that would have happened with that spouse.

[womanofdulwich]

I am afraid "When as an adult you tell a child off for doing something wrong, one can sometimes make a mistake and get it wrong, in such cases the other child will speak up for it's brother or sister" will not always apply- sometimes they dance up and down in delight - you are very lucky Dickensman.

[Mrs TP]

Not read the whole thread but in answer to the original question as many as you can love and care for and as long as you all feel you have a home and not a boarding school then I guess that is ok.

Most adults have some sort of angst about having been an only child, number 1, number 2, number 3, the youngest, oldest, only girl, only boy etc - that's normal.

Do what is right for you and your situation and enjoy each new little person that pops into your life.

[new mother]

"I know someone who gets quite a lot of hassle and criticism for 'only' have one and I always feel very annoyed on her behalf about that."

Belle, what an utter cheek! How dare people criticise that situation?

"we almost certainly won't be able to have another, so I am embracing the bright side of one child (he is now 2.5). Long haul holidays are affordable and relatively pain free, private schooling is within reach if need be, and we can comfortably live in a 3-bed house with regular visitors without an eventual squeeze. "

Schol fees are the killer. We can do two but not three and that upsets me. I must say it irritates me to hear parents of eg 4 or 5 children saying that they can't afford school fees. Well....in the modern world, why did you have so many children???