Tests before you decide to have children...

[Sunlover00]

I'm due with our first in Oct and my partner stumbled across this during his research into "what to expect..". It did crack us up so thought it's worth sharing with any expecting parents...

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers..

Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait.

Go out the front door.

Come back in again.

Go out.

Come back in again.

Go out again.

Walk down the front path.

Walk back up it.

Walk down it again.

Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

Retrace your steps.

Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7 - Communication

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from Peppa Pig, Thomas the Tank Engine,Dora the Explorer and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important

Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2.. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4.. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

[Fuschia]

All very true

[Saffron]

> Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

> 1. Hollow out a melon

> 2. Make a small hole in the side

> 3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

> 4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an

> aeroplane.

> 5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

> 6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Well, we've beaten this one at least, thanks to Baby Led Weaning!

(On the down side, everything has been that bad with sleep, or worse!!!!)

:)

[????]

No "Sex test"? Sorry, I meant "No Sex Test" :-$

[Helen GV]

Really funny, and too true...

[susyp]

You wouldn't believe how true this is til it happens to you!

[Sunlover00]

Oh dear, I was kinda hoping there would be a raft of posts reassuring me it's not that bad. :-S

[GinaG3]

Haha, so funny.

Parenting is a rollercoaster, but its a thrilling ride! For the love..

[Moos]

Sunlover00 Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Oh dear, I was kinda hoping there would be a raft

> of posts reassuring me it's not that bad. :-S

It's not that bad! But it is true.

[Bumpkin]

Brilliant, this made me laugh so much. I'd read it before baby B came along, but found it so much funnier 3 years in!

[Ruth_Baldock]

It's all true. ALL TRUE.

[????]

Anyone thinking "it can't be that bad"...bookmark this and read it again 6 months in :)). Still would do it all again though.

[Savinana]

Helpfull advice I will share this thread with my friends.

[Belle]

Sunlover - it's true, but what's also true is the humour in which it's written. There are LOADS of funny moments.

[Mrs TP]

Brilliant, laughing out loud. Initially, thought this may be a smug post (as in you doing it all wrong) but this is just fab and makes me feel so normal, cheers ...

[embo71]

They have missed one:

Test 15:

Changing a toddler's nappy:

Give live octopus (from dressing test) some E numbers and cover with ants.

Try and take off dirty nappy without covering everything in it's contents.

Whilst trying to keep hyperactive octopus still, wipe its bum, still trying not to cover everything in sight with contents of nappy.

Then try to put clean nappy on whilst octopus tries to get away.

Repeat this last step at least 4 times, and in that time try not to let octopus wee.

P.S. mkae sure dirty nappy isnt in reach of one of the octopus's arms as it will want to smear contents on anything to hand. If you have managed to get into a nappy bag then the octopus might want to run around the house with the bag (as if its a trophy handbag) shouting 'poo'. You may find it a couple of hours later under the newspapers on the coffee table?!

[stepnica]

haha this is so funny. was laughing to my computer screen!!

anyway must bookmark it and review it afterwards.

:))

[leta]

:))

Its all worth it.

Is it??

:))I dont even have time to think

[luli1210]

I laughed till I cried reading this.

[Kalamiphile]

My tummy hurts have laughed so much, thank you for the fun xx