Grabbing toddler

[Lochie]

My son is nearly 22 months and is constantly grabbing other toddlers' hair/faces. I know this sits in the realms of normality, however its becoming very stressful to do any activities with him around other children in case he mauls them...I am almost at my wits end! At first I thought it was inquisitiveness but I am starting to see a look of Damien in his eyes sometimes, especially when another poor child approaches him if he is playing with a toy/on a slide etc, I think it is his way of defending what he believes is his.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this habit? It shows no signs of stopping. At present I just pull him out of the situation and tell him its naughty but I don't think he understands. I fear we'll have no friends left at this rate!

[alice32]

My son went through exactly the same phase and it is very stressful and upsetting. It started when he was about one and he would grab other children's faces - quite hard! - even if they were older and bigger than him. I think most of it was frustration - not being able to communicate properly and I did find that as he got older and his language improved, the face grabbing improved too. It did take a while to pass though - was still having a few hitty/scratchy incidents until abput 3. It does make socialising with other children difficult - sone parents, though mostly sympathetic, weren't very understanding. I remember one father accusing my son of 'attacking' his daughter, which was possibly a bit harsh considering he was only about 18 months at the time! And the last thing you want child to be doing is hurting and upsetting other children.

We sought advice from various sources and were told to watch him carefully when he's around other kids to see if you identify triggers to the behaviour. You are then more able to anticipate when he might start grabbing and intervene before anything happens. If he does manage a grab or something before you can stop it, take him away from the situation, talk to him and explain why he can't do that. It doesn't seen to make much difference at the time, the

talking and explaining, but he'll get it eventually.

Hope things improve - you have my sympathies!

[Fuschia]

Agree with Alice

Best to spend time with other parents who don't stress too much

All Mine have gone through phases of hitting/biting etc when tiny

[ryedalema]

Our 18 month old is doing that too. We've started putting her in the naughty corner. I know I know - it's much too early for all of that. But she stays there, and gets a bit of time out. She doesn't get overly distressed by it and it's sending the message to our older daughter that the littlest isn't getting preferential treatment.

It seems to be working though.. at least in part.

Oh and cut their nails - very regularly!

On the reasons for it - it's just an observation but our eldest got more stroppy just before she started talking. I think it's the frustration of wanting to communicate but not quite being able to. Just a thought - and it does go.

Good luck xx

[Lochie]

thank you alice - you hit nail on head. I am actually finding the reaction of other parents very stressful. You'd be surprised how many dirty looks I've had, I am always very apologetic and sheepish, but at least 50% of reactions are unforgiving. Hmmmm. Now I'm in a situation where I literally hover over him wherever he goes to pre-empt his grabbing - and that is probably not very healthy either.

Interesting your comment about language too as he is a slow developer in the speech area and I'll get this checked at 2 if it doesn't pick up. Whenever we get home e.g. after TumbleTots today, we have a little 'chat' about what we did and I'll say something like 'that wasn't very nice when you pulled the little girl's hair was it' and my son will then tug his own hair and grimace, so he knows what I'm talking about!! Little tyke!

[cuppa tea]

I think they are too young to understand right from wrong at that age. It's a phase they have to go through. Personally I would have a break from the groups. Other parents are terribly unforgiving. Your son, if anything like mine was, might be happier with certain friends on more of a one to one, or meeting people out and about where there is space and no toys. Picking other parents who share similar philosophies and where the kids are a good fit is pretty vital.

[alice32]

Completely agree. Some friends would trigger it more than others - as did the hecticness of certain situations and playgroups. Defo good idea to stick to parks etc so plenty of space. And most important to remember that it's very common and just a phase, which will pass!

[Belle]

Agree with all the above. As you know I have similar stressy times with my one, though with him it's less grabbing the actual child and more seizing toys /refusing to share, generally being diva-ish (just as trying!). And he's a bit older too, so I keep thinking the reasoning will work eventually. But in the meantime, I've come to the various conclusions above - open spaces often easier as no trophies to fight over (although the cry 'MY slide' still rings in my ears from recent visits to Goose Green), avoiding groups/parents you don't know so well who may not understand - I've found that in those situations my stress levels go up which I'm sure exacerbates the situation as son picks up on that. And I think coming on here and seeing it's not uncommon - and does not mean you have a problem child (as I've thought when we've hit particular lows) - is v helpful. The trouble is open spaces present another set of problems - constant escaping in our case!

[cuppa tea]

Belle Wrote:

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> The trouble is open spaces present

> another set of problems - constant escaping in our

> case!

You could choose places that are 'open' but also contained, to make life a bit easier.EG. the 'dog-free zone' in Peckham Rye used to be vital for me, Goose Green playground, Wildlife Garden, Horniman sandpit is fairly enclosed and to some extent One O'Clock clubs - though I still used to find these clubs could be stressful at times.

[Otta]

alice32 Wrote:

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I remember one father accusing my son of 'attacking' his daughter, which was possibly a bit harsh considering he was only about 18 months at the time!

Anyone who thinks that an 18 month old is capable of "attacking" another child, is a moron, who shouldn't be allowed to have kids of their own quite frankly.

[Belle]

cuppa tea Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Belle Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > The trouble is open spaces present

> > another set of problems - constant escaping in

> our

> > case!

>

> You could choose places that are 'open' but also

> contained, to make life a bit easier.EG. the

> 'dog-free zone' in Peckham Rye used to be vital

> for me, Goose Green playground, Wildlife Garden,

> Horniman sandpit is fairly enclosed and to some

> extent One O'Clock clubs - though I still used to

> find these clubs could be stressful at times.

Which is the dog free bit in PR? we go to the playground but there is an escape route down to a little stream...

Like GG but have to watch him on the 'big' stuff as he gets v high. Agree horniman good for this, and must try wildlife garden again.

It does get tiring constantly arbitrating, then apologising or asking son to apologise. I know they'll get there eventually - and sometimes I think we expect a bit much from them at this age.

[cuppa tea]

Dog free zone: It's the fenced off picnic area, quite near the playground. Back of the Japanese Garden.

Yes I think we expect too much. I've never asked my son himself to apologise. It has always seemed quite bonkers, as it is plainly obvious that he is not sorry and doesn't mean it. I apologise for him and let him off the hook with regards to that. There is no point him angrily screaming "SORRY!!!!" at someone...I then have to ask him to say sorry for screaming sorry, if you see what I mean! He is a certain character though!

[cuppa tea]

Dog free zone: It's the fenced off picnic area, quite near the playground. Back of the Japanese Garden.

Yes I think we expect too much. I've never asked my son himself to apologise. It has always seemed quite bonkers, as it is plainly obvious that he is not sorry and doesn't mean it. I apologise for him and let him off the hook with regards to that. There is no point him angrily screaming "SORRY!!!!" at someone...I then have to ask him to say sorry for screaming sorry, if you see what I mean!

[Moos]

I really think it's out of order for parents not to accept apologies from other parents with grace. All of our kids have phases when they are out of line, and it's up to us to control them as best we can, apologise on their behalf if they're little and ask them to apologise when they're big enough. To make someone else's life harder when they're dealing with a difficult phase is just mean.

*gets off high horse*

[helena handbasket]

Couldn't agree more.

Want to add: Belle my son is the same as yours I think but a couple of years ahead. At four he is so different from that difficult time. He is mellow and reasonable and gentle, who would have guessed? He's still the boy who can't be left alone for long as his curiosity leads him to crazy ideas, mostly involving sinks (ugh always a mess). Considering two years ago I was the mum who cried all the way home from our hellish toddler activities (one can only take so many glares in one day) :-$ we have come a long way..... hang in there it gets easier!

[apenn]

My son is nearly 2. I don't know whether he understands right or wrong, but I think he definitely knows what behaviour is acceptable or not acceptable. If he bites, piches, scratches etc. one of 2 things will happen:

1. I will tell him that that behaviour hurts and isn't nice. Then I will ask him if he has something to say to which he usually replies "sorry biting" or whatever the behaviour was. If he just says sorry then I ask what for and he usually will reply with the correct answer, which tells me he remembers exactly what he did. I then get a kiss on my "injured" body part, we have a cuddle and all is forgiven . . . until the next incident.

2. If he's already been warned and does it again I sit him down for a time out. He will ususally immediately start to say sorry. I tell him thank you, I know you're sorry but you were warned and you kept biting anyway. Now you must site for 2 minutes. Sometimes he take it on the chin, sometimes this results in some whining or crying. After 2 min I ask if he has something to say etc.

If someone else is the object of the biting etc. then he has to apologise directly to that person/child and give them a cuddle. He almost always does this without hesitation.

On days that he is with his childminder, if he has pushed or done something to someone he will usually tell me at home. If ask if he hurt anyone today and he'll tell me "[child's name] sorry" meaning that he had to say sorry to someone.

Of course, I wish I could prevent it happening in the first place, but I'm not about to feel bad when it does since he's not old enough to be intentionally malicious and I do everything I can to correct it. -A

[Belle]

helena handbasket Wrote:

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> Couldn't agree more.

>

> Want to add: Belle my son is the same as yours I

> think but a couple of years ahead. At four he is

> so different from that difficult time. He is

> mellow and reasonable and gentle, who would have

> guessed? He's still the boy who can't be left

> alone for long as his curiosity leads him to crazy

> ideas, mostly involving sinks (ugh always a mess).

> Considering two years ago I was the mum who cried

> all the way home from our hellish toddler

> activities (one can only take so many glares in

> one day) :-$ we have come a long way..... hang in

> there it gets easier!

Ah, thanks HH - that's good to hear. I have been there with the crying on the way home - did that after a particularly disastrous playdate in North London recently, then sat down at home with my husband, talked it through and realised he really hadn't been that 'bad', and that a lot of it was my/others' expectations. Def relate to the not leaving alone for long thing too (not that could really do that at his age, but in the sense that if he runs off I need to be pretty nearby - has no invisible boundary line like some kids).

[Fuschia]

If it's any consolation, having had 3 children

Through toddler hood with differing personalities ... The quieter ones are then

Less feisty later and you worry they won't stand up for themselves

Also an inquisitive mind and determination are good traits

[Lochie]

thanks everyone, really useful comments. Son is going to nursery in sept so am hoping that being around other toddlers and having someone who is not 'mum' correcting his behaviour might help with this. we'll see!

[cuppa tea]

Lochie Wrote:

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> thanks everyone, really useful comments. Son is

> going to nursery in sept so am hoping that being

> around other toddlers and having someone who is

> not 'mum' correcting his behaviour might help with

> this. we'll see!

Oh...don't want to put a damper on this, but I found my son picked up a fair few other dirty tricks when he started nursery from being around other kids! I think he was pretty well behaved at the nursery, saved it up for home!

[Lochie]

whoops, oh dear!

I don't mind really. There is something about all this toddler behaviour lark that makes me chuckle secretly even when the behavour is not good - I love seeing the characters develop

not sure i'll be saying that when he gets sent home from nursery for pinching though! ;-(

[Fuschia]

It takes VERY bad behaviour to worry a good nursery

[Belle]

yep exactly - i was really worried lochie, and have repeatedly asked the nursery if my son is ok, or causing problems, and they always reassure me that it's all v normal 2 yr old behaviour. Whilst it's true they pick up some annoying habits (he learnt out to say 'MY TURN' very insistently, for instance) I think it does also help, I've observed him being told and actually listening re taking turns, not getting in the way of other kids' games etc.