Girls and friendships

[edanna]

My 9 year old daughter has a very upsetting friendship issue at the moment and as a result really doesn't want to go to school. She has what has always looked like a lovely group of friends. But recently a pair of girls seem to have assumed more power over the group and according to my daughter have ostracised one girl for being too immature. My daughter feels terrible for this girl and wants to play with her but fears that she too will be cut out by the newly powerful pair, who she enjoys being friends with. She feels caught in the middle and afraid to express her opinion. It sounds very subtle, looks at her and looks exchanged etc. She doesn't want me to talk to the girls' mothers or the teachers. I am doing my best to advise her to stand up for what she thinks but she keeps saying she hasn't built up the courage yet. I'm also trying not to project my own school experiences onto her. Can anyone suggest any books or other sources of wisdom, or offer any advice? I have seen such good advice here in the past.

[seenbeen]

I would contact the head of school as this is a clear case of bullying against the so-called immature girl- you never know-her parent may have already expressed concerns...it is the 2 who are ganging up who are the immature ones and hopefully your daughter will not be dragged into the awful behaviour against another child.

As a teacher I have had to intervene when groups of girls discuss others' clothes, hair etc. in a critical way when the girl is not present. They do not understand that this is also bullying (even at age 15) as it colours their attitude towards the victim when they are altogether.

I wish you well because this is nasty and how would you feel if one day the pair turn on your daughter? It is great that your daughter can confide in you

[Crokes]

I agree about speaking to the school. It?s horrible to see them go through this but really positive that she has told you. We?ve found this book useful: ?Bullies, bigmouths & so called friends? by Jenny Alexander. Good luck & hope things improve soon.

[Soylent Green]

Explain to your daughter that you think the best people to help are the teachers and that they won't mention any names or say how they became aware of what is happening - then speak to the school and explain your daughters fears over what she has reported.

[tiddles]

Yes - talk to the school and really support her in having the confidence to not be sucked

Into their nastiness. Not easy to stand up to this behaviour which is

Why little madams like this get away with it. This used to be secondary school stuff (hideous)

So rather sad it has kicked in so early. Very best of luck and best wishes

[edanna]

Thanks everyone for your kind advice - as tiddles said, I wasn?t expecting this type of thing quite so early. I?ve ordered that book Crokes - looks really good, thank you

[Pugwash]

My youngest daughter stood up to 'bullies' in her school, she made a direct approach to her form teacher and asked that the girls in question be spoken to. Also stated that if the form teacher was not able to do anything, she would take the matter up with head of year. We were very surprised at daughter as always a very quiet person who lacked self confidence. We heard about the 'bullies' via a phone call made by her form teacher to us, who were very pleased at our daughter's actions. The 'bullies' were approached by teachers and their parents contacted. A meeting was arranged at the school with teachers, parents and bullies - our daughter was given the option of being at the meeting- she attended and when outlined the other girls' behaviour, their parents were horrified and promised necessary action. Daughter was not bullied again for the rest of her school life and became a school counsellor with responsibility for a class of 11/12 year olds whom she mentored and helped identify 'bullying' behaviour.

[Sonners]

My Secret Bully is a good book about girls/emotional bullying.