Utterly inane news thread

[Annette Curtain]

I cut the tip of my right index finger today, whilst trimming some Bamboo.

Nette

(more news to follow)

[Alan Medic]

Left hand or right hand?

[womanofdulwich]

oh dear- did you have to :

a) go to hospital;

b) go straight to your highly equiped first aid kit;

c) search the house for a packet of plasters while swearing profusely;

[giggirl]

I fell off a slide and hurt my arse. It's touch and go whether my dignity will survive CPR. Tragic.

[DulwichFox]

I can Never open a Plaster when I need one.

They are Sealed and just impossible to open.

Especially when you are dripping blood over your new Axeminster...

Fox.

[Annette Curtain]

womanofdulwich Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> oh dear- did you have to :

> a) go to hospital;

> b) go straight to your highly equiped first aid

> kit;

> c) search the house for a packet of plasters while

> swearing profusely;

No, none of the above

I was in Sydenham Woods at the time of the incident

So I adopted the "in the field" technique of first aid. Mainly, I swore a bit and squeezed it, then I sucked it until the blood stopped & I got bored

It's changed my typing style (ha-style)

I'm now drinking coffee

Nette

[Alan Medic]

East Dulwich resident complains about children making noise.

[ianr]

It may leave a disfiguring scar. Consider amputation.

[Guest]

Today I have entered week 4 of the summer cold. Took about four hours to progress from bed to sofa to shower to clothes today. About to go out and look for cough mixture.

[Annette Curtain]

Cold Ms B ?

Sounds like heavy hay fever

Anyway, i've just eaten some English Lambs liver

Nette

[Loz]

giggirl Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I fell off a slide and hurt my arse. It's touch

> and go whether my dignity will survive CPR.

> Tragic.

I have this weird mental picture of someone performing CPR on your arse. I have to say, it's quite rude...

[Alan Medic]

Ms B Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Today I have entered week 4 of the summer cold.

> Took about four hours to progress from bed to sofa

> to shower to clothes today. About to go out and

> look for cough mixture.

I blame the underwear Ms.B. It's the underwear. Proper underwear would have protected you from this type of thing I'm sure.

[reetpetite]

Those thongs can be leathal !

[reetpetite]

.

[reetpetite]

.

[Annette Curtain]

Today is Monday

Some idiot rode a scooter up & down my street a number of times in the early hours. Thankfully they fell off at the top of the street in the end

Screaming never sounded so good, I hope they're suitable chastised

Nette

[RosieH]

I've got yoghurt on my top. I have complained to M&S.

[Otta]

I've got KFC gravy on my top, but I'm facing up to the responsibility myself.

[Brendan]

It was twelve thirty-sixish pm on Sunday. I was returning home after an unexceptional visit to Halfords.

I parked the car on the paved-over font garden that we in the suburbs refer to as ?the drive? and made my way to the front door.

Midway through the second step of the three it takes to do this my nostrils were assaulted by that instantly recognisable smell best described as, ?drains?.

Further investigation, which involved the shifting of a manhole cover and the ejaculating of a few swear words, revealed a particularly unpleasant subterranean problem in the sewer.

?I?ll call the plumber about it tomorrow.? Said my wife, and long-suffering protagonist in my Saga Conditio Humana.

[Guest]

I'm pretty sure it's not as I don't go purple in the face coughing when I have hayfever, and anyway no normal pollen could make it through the torrents of snot. Plus several people I know had something similar that lasted a month or so. Only another few days to go then.

Alan Medic, I've been coughing so hard I suspect it's only the sensible underwear preventing a prolapse and total incontinence.

Annette Curtain Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Cold Ms B ?

>

> Sounds like heavy hay fever

>

> Anyway, i've just eaten some English Lambs liver

>

>

> Nette

[maxxi]

The Gourmet Burger Co. had their delivery at 2.30am this morning. Wonder if this is an Olympic knock-on or just sheer idiocy?

[El Pibe]

I found a new grey hair today.

[Brendan]

That's why I wax.

[Moos]

I am sick in bed. Not best birthday ever.

[Brendan]

Next door are going on holiday. I don?t have to feed the cat this time. The cat is dead.