Second baby? Yes or no?

[canela]

after first child I was desperate for a 2nd as I really wanted him to have a sibling. it sounds weird, but it took having a 2nd child to realise that actually he would have been fine without one. don't get me wrong, they get on and have a lot of fun now..but those first few years had their ups and downs.

just like it took me having kids to realise that life would have gone on if I hadn't had them... the urge of the biological clock is very strong and it becomes all pervasive in your life. i found that just as strong for the second as for the first.

[civilservant]

do you think that you will have time, patience and energy enough to give each child the individual attention that each needs? these are all just as essential as money and living space.

having a sibling can be a good thing, but sometimes not, esp if there's not enough parental attention to go around. There are very good reasons why 'middle-child syndrome' has been identified as a problem, and it can exist even if there are only 2 in the family.

[katgod]

Two was a no brainier for me because I am an only, and despite a happy trauma free childhood with nothing to complain about, there was no doubt in my mind that having a sibling was better. I was not aware of that so much as a child, but as an adult I am envious of those with siblings ( I get that there are people who don't get on with siblings, but the vast majority of my real life friends do, and even if they are moaning about them, the is a closeness there that i don't have, a connection that eludes me. As I child I could not understand it at all, now I want it.)

I look at my children playing, giggling and messing about, and yes sometimes squabbling, and think it is fun, loud and messy and fun, and in contrast with my quiet, sensible, controlled childhood. Nothing wrong with my chilhood objevtively, but I prefer the version my children have.

Someone mentioned a special closeness between only girls and their mums. Of course people base these views on their own experiences and interpretations, but I would say the self reliance that onlys have to develop can mean they are less close with other people. That's my opinion. I was told when pregnant with second not to worry because the love does not need to be divided up, it just multiplies, and have found that to be true. Good luck with your decision.

[Bouncy]

Thanks, all, for your thoughts. Re 'do you think that you will have time, patience and energy enough to give each child the individual attention that each needs?' - yes, absolutely...one of my issues is trying to figure out my own (future) pschology and whether I'll be able to do that...I don't think it's fair to have children if you're not going to give them a good foundation (obviously a whole other debate to be had about what exactly that constitutes!)

[Ole]

Until our son was 2 we were not sure if we wanted another one because we were so tired all the time, however we decided to go for it and see what happens and let nature make the decision for us, and after trying for more than one year with no success all those discussions to arrive at a 'decision' seem pointless and redundant, so sometimes it is best not to over analyse something and go with your gut instinct.

[oimissus]

I wouldn't overthink it, if both you and your partner want another, and you can afford to do so, then go for it. I am another who circumstance has dictated that I will only have one, and I am very sad about that. Mr Oi is one of four, and I am very close to my sister, and have very fond memories of our childhood together. One of the things that makes me sad is that Miss Oi will never enjoy sharing a hotel room with a sibling when on holiday and Be Able To Watch Anything You Like On TV Without Reference To Parents. Looking ahead, I am glad that when difficult decisions will have to be made with regard to my mum (my dad died a while back), who is in her 70s, my sister and I will have each other for support. The main thing I am doing is ensuring that Miss Oi and her cousin (also an only child, a year older) see each other as much as possible, and hopefully will remain close friends.

[gillandjoe]

Is this a wierd point to make?...

Does anyone ever have a little nagging worry of, "what if I don't have any more kids and this one doesn't want to be around me or his dad when he's older?" Or worse worries...

That is literally the only reason why I would consider having another. I think the sibling argument will become a thing of the past in the future and more and more people will choose to have only children. I think, as with everything, it's a case of swings and roundabouts and one situation isn't better than the other. only children are not worse off than children with siblings in balance.

[Saffron]

Agreed, gillandjoe, swings and roundabouts. It's totally subjective on many points.

Two sides to every story,'n' all that...

My daughter is an only child, and her childhood is definitely not sensible and controlled or quiet. And she will definitely not be forced into excessive self-reliance.

I have two siblings, and I'm dreading being forced to interact with them when our parents die.

Not that I think there's anything wrong with having siblings, but -- paraphrasing gillandjoe -- on balance singltons are not worse off than siblings and vice versa.

Yup I have worries about my daughter too, What if she doesn't like me?, or worse, What if she dies? Well, you could have 2 or 3 or 4 kids etc, and they could all hate you, or all die, or any number of horrible scenarios.

There is an element of faith in the future, and also an element of acceptance of the present maybe. Our decisions are coloured by our experiences, and the outcomes are augmented by our awareness and our ability to adapt. xx

[Jo'sEnglish]

Just as a (perhaps irrelevant) aside, I have taught many Chinese students from the 'one child' policy era (in their late teens/early twenties) and many of them were bought up very closely with cousins due to being only children, and would actually often refer to their cousins as their brothers/sisters. Also, most of them say that if they had kids they would like more than one (I don't think it is the same everywhere, but nowadays if 2 only children have children they can have 2). Anyway, just thought it was interesting from a generation of only children!

[oimissus]

That's something I've read about quite a bit with regard to only children - unfortunately for us my daughter has only one cousin, out of 7, that she is in regular contact with, with 4 being in Australia and 2 in Cornwall. She sees my niece maybe once a month at the moment, and I'm guessing when my niece starts school in September that will become more infrequent. An hour's journey is the closest any relation is to us!

[susyp]

I honestly think that a child's friends are more important than their siblings. And that perhaps we as parents of onlys, have a bit of a duty to help foster that. I am a bit useless at arranging playdates but plan to work on that this year. And when they get to teenage years, you can take their friends on holiday too - I would have LOVED that had it been offer when I was that age!

susypx

[gwod]

It has been so interesting reading this thread, it seems clear that everyone can see the advantages/disadvantages of being a singleton or being a sibling, and a happy outcome comes from good parenting, not from the shape and size of the family.

I have 4 daughters, and often feel guilt that I cannot spare as much time for each of them as Id like, and a lifelong friend of mine has one (by choice) and feels guilt that her daughter doesnt have a sibling. We holiday together and the kids get a real taste of each others lives - I know that my daughter's friend yearns for the mild chaos and bed/ bath/shower sharing, days spent in jointly imagined games and the feeling of being part of a pack that she experiences with when we are together. But at the same time, my kids would love to have the level of one-to-one attention and opportunities she has....train holidays accross Europe, going to Olympics, choosing what she'd like for supper. All things logistically/financially impossible for us. I think its important for our kids and us to see that there isnt a better way, just different ways.

For me, the decision to have more children was governed by an undeniable and visceral longing, and I feel extremely lucky to have as many as I do, I cant think there could have been many practical considerations (including the serious health risks and loss I experienced) that could have made me feel or choose differently.

[Saffron]

susyp Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I honestly think that a child's friends are more

> important than their siblings. And that perhaps

> we as parents of onlys, have a bit of a duty to

> help foster that. I am a bit useless at arranging

> playdates but plan to work on that this year. And

> when they get to teenage years, you can take their

> friends on holiday too - I would have LOVED that

> had it been offer when I was that age!

>

> susypx

Yes, TOTALLY agree that friends are soooo important! And we definitely have a responsibility as parents to help foster friendships. I feel so blessed and lucky myself to be part of a large and multigenerational set of friends whom we really do consider to be our family.

However, it isn't only luck that's brought me to this point. I've worked really hard at friendships, been through failed friendships, and made extra effort to keep up with long-distance friends. Mr Saff and I have loaned money to friends, and had money loaned to us. We've celebrated and comiserated with friends. We've shared laughter and tears. We've confided, taken chances, and explored new ventures -- all with friends. We have friends of all ages, and we're even friends with many of their children!

This is very different to my parents set of friends, who are more formal and less close. So, I didn't grow up in a close circle of friends. And even my extended family aren't this close among themselves.

I hope my daughter's life will be all the richer for circle of friends we're raising her to know, whether or not (most likely, not) we have any more children. xx

[Mrs TP]

My hubby suggested last night we have two more incase we fall out with the three we have! He was joking but he would be well up for more ...

[Sol]

I found it hard with the first one,but always thought that I didn't want an only child. I got two now who are 3.5 years apart and it is a busier life, but happier too despite the hard work. The first 2 or 3 years are the hardest, but I do not regret it one second. My friend waited a long time and regreted because by the time she wanted a second one she could not get pregnant. I definitely do not want a third one, I want time for me and my partner, have nice holidays,. I think when you start doubting it, it is because you do want a second one.

[Saffron]

some interestings thoughts here... not dissimilar to this thread in fact! http://www.today.com/moms/blogger-calls-only-children-obnoxious-selfish-1B8016962

[missse22]

YES YES YES!!!! I have 2 amazing boys one is gonna be 3 in May and the other is 7 months old! It's certainly a challenge but I wouldn't change it for the world. I love the fact that they will never be lonely, they will always have each other to play with :-)

[Saffron]

I'm sorry to say that having a sibling is not a guarantee that the children will never be lonely, or that they will always have each other to play with (or want to play with each other). Although obviously it's lovely if they do. There are no guarantees when it comes to having a child/ren.

[ClareC]

There are no right or wrong reasons, it's what is best for your family and the cicumstances at the time.

A friend of mine always intended to have 2 children, this was changed to 2 plus when her eldest was born with downs syndrome. She didn't want one sibling to shoulder all the responsibility in future years when she and her partner have passed away, likewise, she accepts that you cannot count on a sibling doing what you would hope therefore 3 or 4 was her intention.

Number two was born with a 17mth age gap which is hard, she may have rethought her 'plan'.

If only everything were black and white!

[WorkingMummy]

Otta Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Pickle Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > I think the only people that can make that

> > decision are you and your partner.

>

>

> What pickle said.

>

> To base the decision on whether they may or may

> not get on as adults seems ridiculous to me. You

> have no more way of knowing that than knowing

> whether your child will grow up with mental health

> issues You can't predict these things, it's

> basically about blind faith and doing your best to

> give them a good start.

What Otta said.

Blind faith, being prepared to accept and do your best for whomever you get. You can no more control who your kids are than they can control which parents they get.

(Speaking as one of 5 siblings, two of whom have mental health issues and are extremely challenging.)

[Saffron]

True, BUT, blind faith and acceptance are not always two things that naturally go together.

[WorkingMummy]

Absolutely, acceptance is fully sighted.

I meant, blind faith when you decide to try to have a child (that you'll be able to cope, that all be well, etc etc) followed by acceptance once the child arrives, whoever they are. :-)