Second baby? Yes or no?

[Bouncy]

Should you or shouldn't you?? Know this is a vastly oversimplified way of putting it - but would be very interested in hearing the experiences and opinions of those who have chosen to go on to have a second child, and those who have stopped at just the one...

[pebbles]

If you are able to then yes yes yes yes yes :)

Of course the first few months are harder etc etc etc but never looked back. I have a 5 and 3 yr old who love each other dearly and play (and fight together) really well

However I do think only you can answer this question as its such a personal thing

Good luck x

[juno]

Such a personal thing! I find 2 immeasurably harder than 1...

Consider character of older (current) child (our is 'spirited'(!)), finances, space, whether you want to go back to naps and sleepless nights etc. My two are now 1.10 and 3.8 and I do feel like I'm just about surfacing again! They don't really get on particularly well yet. Obv I am glad I had two, and there's a part of me that wants a third, but I sometimes look at friends with one and their life looks much simpler in comparison!

Good luck in your decision. It's also a hard thing to make a 'decision' about though isn't it? Baby no. 3 does not seem to be on the cards for us for reasons way out of my control...

[Monkey]

We are keeping to one because we just about manage work wise and financially... Truth is we would probably make do with a second one - just about - but having just the one feels safer.

I do look at my daughter sometimes and think it would be great for her to have a sibling. However I am an only child and it's never really bothered me.

[Pickle]

I think the only people that can make that decision are you and your partner.

[Mrs TP]

Try to imagine yourself in 30 years time - will you be regretting the children you didn't have?

You do have to consider you own situation and your partner's wishes but I think if you are considering another you are half way there.

I know you are considering going from 1 to 2. That was a no brainer for me but I was in a similar mental space to you considering whether or not to go from 2 to 3, in fact there is almost a 5yr age gap between them. It just all seemed a bit unmanageable but I just wasn't finished with having children and it ate away at me all the time. At one point I thought I am not going to think about this for a whole year, I'm going to forget it, get on with things as they are and reconsider at the end of the year. About 2/3rds into the year we started trying for no 3.

I'm done now with 3 but after watching 16 kids and counting last night my hubby said in all seriousness 'oh are you sure you wouldn't like another?'. I consider myself too old now but actually no I wouldn't like another and am happy with where we are at. I didn't set out to have 3 the decisions were made along the way and I am happy with them. Yes it has its difficulties but what doesn't. And 3 - well that tv show is called Outnumbered for a reason. Happy thinking and it will all work out in the end.

[Claire29]

I have 3 boys and to say it's noisy and caotic sometimes would be an understatement, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't plan to have 3, but I'm very happy I did because I hope when the boys are older they stay close. I'm close to my siblings so for me personally I would have felt really guilty not having more than one, knowing how fun it can be to have brothers and sisters to play with (or fight with!).

[Saffron]

I have siblings, and we don't get along, sadly even as adults. The endless bickering, manipulations and abusive behaviours from my brothers (one brother in particular) have been very destructive to our family. I don't want that experience for my own child, so we only have one child.

So it's not just about wanting another baby, it's about considering how those children will relate to each other when they are older, and what you as parents will be capable of doing should there be profound behavioural problems among the siblings. My parents were totally unprepared for this. They tried to help my brother with his problems, but they totally failed to protect me and my other sibling from his destructive behaviours directed at us.

So you could just as easily be asking - will you be regretting the children you did have?

It really is a decision each family will have to consider for themselves, possibly for each pregnancy.

For me and Mr Saff personally, there are also a financial issues and my age to consider. If we had lots of money and had got started with a family much younger, maybe it would have been different. If we'd even consider a second child, we'd need a 7-10 year age gap. By then we might be in a better position financially, but I'd be in my forties. While a baby at 43 sounds doable, a teenager at 60 does not sound like my cuppa.

Then again, sometimes nature has other ideas... if we had an accidental pregnancy, I would keep it. I have an IUD, so that's not a scenario we're likely to face (thankfully). xx

[Bouncy]

Hmmm...that's the thing...from the wanting mine to have a sibling and the imagining us in 30 years time perspectives the answer's definitely 'yes.' But from the difficult-ish pregnancy and going back to sleepless nights etc perspective, it almost seems daft to do it to myself!

Obviously it's true; this is a decision my partner and I have to make. But very helpful to the thought process to hear others' experiences and thinking...

[Bouncy]

Cross-posted with Saffron: yes, I've considered that side of things too, because while I get on with my sibling, my partner's are not great - as you say, you can't guarentee they're going to be good for one another!

[Norfolkvillas]

I'm only 12 weeks in to having two, but I've found it less tricky / exhausting than I thought I would (admittedly I have help during the week). I can already see how fascinating the baby finds her older brother, and can see that she will make an excellent captive audience for the various pretend music classes / singing sessions that my son loves to conduct for anyone who'll listen. I'm incredibly close to my sister (now, although we fought for years when younger), so I will do everything I can to promote a harmonious and supportive relationship between my two. I often wonder whether the fact that there's a longish (just under 3 years) age gap, and that they're different genders, will work for or against this aim...

[Saffron]

It takes a real awareness as a parent to recognise that one child is causing a problem for others. The answer is not just to brush it off as kids-will-be-kids type thing, as I see so many parents do. If you have an awareness of sibling issues, then perhaps you can better prepare yourself to make strenuous early interventions. It takes an investment of time and money, but also energy. Of these three, I personally find the energy committment most daunting.

[GinaG3]

I'm in the same position and have been for years. I was adamant no matter what I would have another child after growing up dreaming of a family and children not a career driven life. In the last year the decision has become really hard and emotionally draining for me.

After the birth of my first child 4 years ago I started to suffer chronic pelvic pain issues and found it really hard to get doctors to investigate properly. I know now after 4 years that I have 2 gynaecological conditions, one of which is effecting my uterus to an extent that my consultants just cant tell me but they believe is significant. After years of trial and error with different medication and seeing pain specialists, at 22 years old I'm being offered a complete hysterectomy as nothing is working. My consultants cannot tell me whether I can have anymore children (although positive that I have already conceived once), its up to me to try to conceive in my own time. Im told to do it sooner rather than later, I wont take the hysterectomy until I have had another child. They have made me fully aware of the possible risks of becoming pregnant and the chances of carrying full term too. All this leaves me scared stiff but still willing to try, I cant imagine my life without at least one more child, although yes I am more than happy with my daughter. But then comes the energy to look after the child after I've given birth, the amount of hospital appointments and possible surgery, the emotional effects. It seems huge to me. My partner is unwilling to try yet as he is not ready and I feel I need to take his choices on board too. We were young the first time, and we still are but while I think he is faced with the wanting to still have fun occasionally part after missing a fair bit between 18 and 21, I'm way past that already with what I've been through.

As much as I hate to say it, but I would love to be the position where the health barrier was removed and I only had to worry if I could afford it or had enough space. Growing up was up and down with 4 siblings, but now were all mostly grown up I cant imagine not having them to turn to when I need someone to talk to, have a laugh with or go to for advice. I want that for my daughter too. I have a bond with a friend whereby even their mum, dad and siblings are practically my family but its still not the same thing.

I hope this has come across the way I wanted it too!

[Saffron]

GinaG3, you might know about these already, but for anyone in a similar siuation here are two excellent resources if gynae problems are an issue when considering a second (or 3rd, or 4th...) pregnancy:

http://www.thevbook.com/

http://www.hystersisters.com/ -- Search the Resource page of this site for alternatives to hysterectomy. Ultimately you might still need a hysterectomy, but this might buy you some time. xx

[susyp]

I also have decided to stick with the one because of health issues. Last year, when she started nursery and everyone seemed to have siblings, I really struggled with it. But now that she is 4, in reception, with quite a few other "onlys", and I am going back to work, I am really seeing the benefits of it. We have such a lovely , gorgeous relationship. Of course we would have that if she had siblings but there is something really special about mums and daughters in an only child family. My cousin is also an only and now grown up - and her and her mum are so unbelievably close, in a way I never had with my mum. I have seen it with quite a few people. Of course it depends on the individuals concerned, but I am really hoping that we can reap the benefits of her being an only in our own relationship.

Also lots of people have told me she would ask for a sibling, and she never has, not even begun to mention it. I think she really enjoys being the only one.

It can be quite hard work as she very rarely plays on her own and I do things with her all the time - but it's less hard work now that she is at school.

Have to say I am loving it. And the freedom it gives me is amazing. If I need help with childcare then it's so easy to ask a friend as it's only one child I am asking them to take as well.

I think now, that if the health issues didn;t exist, I wouldn't have any more children and would just stick with my rather wonderful daughter!

susypx

[Mrs TP]

Funny that in contrast to Saffron I am only child with emotionally abusive parents and so wanted more than one child myself so they would have each other for emotional support should I end up like my parents - fortunately I haven't. I always wished I had siblings. However no matter how much we wish for idealised relationships we can't control how others will get along all we can do is teach our kids to respect each other and bring them up in a loving, nurturing environment.

It is good to seek the input and thoughts of others but ultimately there is no right or wrong just want suits your own particular set of circumstances.

[Saffron]

Yup, I thought that was funny too! As you say, there isn't a right or wrong answer. So ultimately we are often guided by our own experiences.

[Mrs TP]

Saffron I was looking to click the like button on your comment then ...

[Saffron]

:)

[GinaG3]

Susyp that made me really emotional because I do share the same views as you also, yet its like I have 2 different people living inside me. The person who desires to reach her dreams and the person who seems to think with her head not her heart. I've already gone from 3 kids to 2 in my mind as I feel that would just be way, way too hard on me but I just cannot go from 2 to only 1 although I do see the benefits and the appeal of doing it. I've spent 2 years contemplating her being an only child, and then the last year with a lot of hard diagnosis trying to rationalise and wonder what really is the best choice for my whole family. Every time I think about it I just end up in a state. Her starting school has not helped, seeing babies everywhere, people having babies in my family, I'm like the green eyed monster. I feel like I sound really horrible writing all of this. The decision is a really difficult one. Our daughter has brought up the subject of brothers and sisters herself with interest but then when asked on occasion she has been for it and then other times against it. She loves babies and is really playful and protective around them. Its really nice to see!

[Bouncy]

Mrs TP - yes, there is something also in what you are saying for me - only the other day, I was talking to a friend with a tricky background about how we appreciate the fact that our siblings are there to understand what we grew up with. And GinaG3, I totally take your point: I am in a relatively luxurious and priviliged position to feel that I have a choice (though another scary thing about it all is that you don't know and can't guarentee how it'll go the second time). Ahrg - so much to consider and the biological clock ticking away...

[susyp]

GinaG3 I felt exactly like you for quite a long time. And I think when my daughter was the same age as your child, as so many of her friends had baby siblings. It's like the choice has been taken away. And my case it became clear to me that I was risking my life to have another - so the choice is perhaps easier for me as it's so clearcut. But I definitely was miserable for quite a time. And also I am lot older than you, I would be a high risk pregnancy anyway now. I can imagine at your age it must be so much harder. I hope that whatever you decide ends up working for you. My husband pointed out to me that perhaps what I was missing was my daughter as a baby , and also pointed out that that is the reason grandparents can get nostalgic - they are thinking of their children as babies. Everyone feels nostalgic when they think of their children as babies. And once I had thought about that I realised that yes, it was her I was missing, and that perhaps another baby would not help. Of course if things were different I would have had one or even two more but I am definitely now at peace with having the one. And seeing how she is around her baby cousins - quite manic with the fact she has to share attention now - has made me realise that having a baby sibling is not a small issue for some children!! I was fine with it - I am not sure my daughter would be!!

susypx

[minder]

Bouncy - I would go for a second child. My biological clock started ticking away as soon as I had my first, then second, then third.

When my third was around 18 months old, I got the biological urge again and could have had a fourth child. Even after lots of sleepless nights etc. I only put it out of my mind due to medical reasons as I'd had a pulmonary embollism (blood clot on the lung) with my third.

I can't say how close they will be when they're a lot older, but at the moment they get on fine.

[susyp]

having said i was fine with one, which i am now, what does make me cross is how clueless other people can be. Just returned from a kids party where there was a little newborn baby there - cue lots of clucking mums. All with 2 or 3 children discussing whether or not they want more. Of course that's fine really and I just walked away from the conversation but I do wonder why people don't think about why some of us only have one child. Normally there is some reason behind it after all.

susypx

[Otta]

Pickle Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I think the only people that can make that

> decision are you and your partner.

What pickle said.

To base the decision on whether they may or may not get on as adults seems ridiculous to me. You have no more way of knowing that than knowing whether your child will grow up with mental health issues You can't predict these things, it's basically about blind faith and doing your best to give them a good start.