V angry four year old

[canela]

oopsithinkthatwasme - don't worry, they do grow out of it. i had a v angry 3 - 4 year old boy, some hitting, shoe throwing, general screaming. i was mostly patient and sometimes angry back. said no to hitting but lots and lots of play fights and tickling worked well. removed myself if getting annoyed. thought it would never end. it did.

[Sol]

I may be old fashion, but I would not allow a 3, 4 year old talk to me or her father or anyone else in a rude way or hit us. I think you should have boundaries and the sooner the learn what the boundaries are the better. They need to learn to control those feelings and don?t let the aggressive feelings take control of themselves.

[WorkingMummy]

Yes, I hear you. That is exactly what I used to think. Never allow it. It's just my children, particularly my first, have made me radically re-assess my power to allow and disallow.

In another thread I began in search of a children's book to read with my four year old about her rage, (which thread ended very happily for me), more than one person recommended a book for adults called " how to talk so children listen and listen so children talk". I really, really do not dig this book, and find it irritating for lots of different reasons. But I can see from amazon's review list that I am in a small minority. But among the few people around the world who do not find the book very helpful is a lady called Ann. English is obviously not her first language, but I think her reviewing is nevertheless prize-winning quality.

She writes:

My son is 4year old and my daughter is 2yo. Since he was little baby, my son never say no, always listen and obey. Our sexond child is very diffrent, in fact i was expecting a girl to be easier to manage. People who knows me said i am very lucky mom to have a son like him, but then my girl is just completely oposite. That is why i bought this book, to understand more about how to speak and listen and understand the feeling of each kid. The result after i read this book, seems i am correct and perfect mother at all (i never thought ive done a right thing so far before i read this book), what i have done to my first and second child are exactly similar as the book suggested, but when i see my relationship with my girl, its hard... We are best friend, she loves me, she knows she must obey, but the point is SHE IS HARD TO HANDLE. So, i assume, DONT EXPECT YOUR CHILD TO CHANGE JUST BECAUSE YOU READ THIS BOOK AND PRACTICE IT AT HOME, EVERY ONE HAS CHARACTER, CHARACTER DONT CHANGE. my husband and i, now just accept it that we have challenging girl, and we will manage to continue doing the right thing and best, and hoping that she will turn a little nicer in the future. This book absolutely not for me, or you who has "character problem" either your character or the kids character. If your intention buying a book is because you have problem, than buying "character building" book is better than this book.

But, book is always nice to read, good lesson though.

:-)

[jomac]

When my four year old told me "I hate you" I replied "Oh I love you". That took her breath away and stopped her in her tracks.

At other times when my children haven't liked my take on life I have told them that I love them unconditionally and always will but I want other people to like them and if I let them behave like that other people won'tlike them. That usually worked for a while.

finally, an invaluable help over the years has been the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". Brilliant and available on Amazon.

:)

[Saffron]

i give up

[susyp]

recently when my 4 year old has been shouting at me and having tantrums I've copied her - that has made her laugh and defused the situation - she finds it quite shocking as well i think. Obviously not something I would be able to do on the school run!

susypx

[canela]

i think they have to learn what is acceptable behaviour in social settings, school etc, but i also do think that if a child has a lot of anger you have to help them find a way to let it out rather than conveying the message that it is a bad emotion. bottled up anger will only find a way out someplace else.

with my v angry 4 year old, i was really strict with myself at not placing him in situations that i knew he would find difficult, i.e. always choosing a run in the park over meeting some friends in a cafe, and i made sure he had LOTS of exercise, and did as many things that i could that i knew were calming for him - that in his case was always being outside on his own, i.e. going to pick leaves, watch the ducks etc. it was pretty obvious in his case that what was difficult were situations with other children, and that his process of socialisation was slow and difficult - and this made him angry, which made him aggressive, which meant he didn't do well in social settings, and it was a terrible circle. the thing that got me through was both his nursery teacher and a few friends assuring me that they had seen all this before, and just to have clear boundaries (i.e. if you hit someone we will go home) with lots of patience. remember, they don't want to be angry and so just telling them not to be isn't that effective.

2 years on i have a very happy 6 year old. he can still be hot tempered but to be honest we are all like that in our family. the other day i apologised to him for losing my rag and he said "don't worry mum, i understand. it's like when the words are bursting to come out of your mouth and no matter how much you want to you just can't stop them". nail on the head really. he's very well behaved at school and when he goes to his grandparents, so i give him slack for being grumpy at home sometimes.

i'm just sharing this to give a light at the end of the tunnel. i SO know how it feels to have an angry child and it is very very challenging. it made me doubt everything i did as a mother, and i was very lucky to have some good friends who understood. plus my mother, having seen several children through this stage, was very relaxed. apparently i used to hold my breath until i fainted to get my own way.....

[bodsier]

|What works for myself and my son is to help him to label his feelings before it gets to the hitting, throwing stage. I usually say things like 'does that make you feel angry/frustrated whatever the feeling is, and it immediately calms him down enough to talk about his feelings before he fully explodes. It seems to stop him in his tracks because he feels as though he is being listened to. It seems to calm him down allow him to reflect but also enables him to talk about his feelings also. It works a treat.

[bodsier]

|What works for myself and my son is to help him to label his feelings before it gets to the hitting, throwing stage. I usually get down to his level and say things like 'does that make you feel angry/frustrated whatever the feeling is, and it immediately calms him down enough to talk about his feelings before he fully explodes. It seems to stop him in his tracks because he feels as though he is being listened to. It seems to calm him down allow him to reflect but also enables him to talk about his feelings also. It works a treat.

[Zany05]

My pre school four year was so furious with me last week he threw a plate at my six month old baby. I put him out the back door and he screamed so loud the neighbour came round. Told me I was an awful mother that she had had five kids and never once locked them out the back door. Think how I felt!!!!

[Chillaxed]

Like punching her in the head I hope!

[WorkingMummy]

Zany, I'm sure what you did was very sensible and your neighbour should MHOB.

I have had to simply shut my daughter away from rest of family before now. You only have two hands, and your first job is to keep everyone safe and well. No child ever died of screaming in the garden!

[chantelle]

Zany, that's awful, I would have said fine, take him and you can have a sixth then if you're such a perfect mum!