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Arranges a 'still life' composition on chaise in front of CitizenEd - consisting of enormous handbag, Blackberry mobile phone, car keys from the Audi Q7 (I just love my car), bar of Fry's Chocolate Cream, bunch of grapes, and enormous naturally blonde au pair, draped in Batman duvet cover.

Ah well, we were both a little drunk and I was showing her my Estonian etchings and she felt the need to show me her impressive assets and in the name of East/West relations we, well, related.


It may not be mine as Ana is very friendly. If it is, I will happily share my Spiderman duvet and Mrs Dobbin with Ana.


Can a chap be farer than that?

My offer???


Shame on you! She is a very attractive young lady. Count yourself lucky to be in negotiations at all. Be careful Mr Proctologist or you could find your son and heir being raised in a Lithuanian hamlet - only to seek you out and expose you on an episode of Jerry Springer some time in the future!

According to you, DM, she is a very attractive PREGNANT young lady. Therefore more expensive to maintain.


There is no evidence that the child is mine and furthermore you are the one who wishes to throw her out on the street!


Oh I can just imagine how quickly the gutter press would grab hold of that one:


"Internationally famous multi-millionaire author and devoted Dulwich-Mother hurls gorgeous pregnant Lithuanian into the gutter - a distressed Michael Palaeologus tells the NOTW for a very reasonable sum"


So, your offer?


Hmm?

Why are you sulking dear heart? You are the one who said right here on this forum - how very friendly you became with Ana! She was young and impressionable, and then you had the cheek to cast doubt on her good character - simply because she was indeed "friendly". Shame on you, taking advantage of this simple young girl...


A hundred quid and a case of Saint Veran and the deal is done?

OHMYGOD, I am so very sorry Michael dear one. It was nothing personal - I absolutely promise. I got very drunk two Thursdays ago and haven't touched a drop since. I am "on the wagon" - I really am afraid I am becoming far too fond of a tipple. If I had known that no-one was joining in lovely man, I would have broken my abstenance just for you - I am so very sorry.


I shall go and buy the white you recommend tomorrow after work and post my comments. Yes I may turn jaundiced and die young leaving my children orphans, but never let it be said that Dulwichmum did not stand by her chums.


DM

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