a joke

[Ms_Lilith]

OMG !! Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!!

What kind of sick bastard does that to someones advent calendar ! ;-)

[Captain Scarlet]

A lonely frog went to a psychic to find out about his future. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you".

The frog is thrilled and says "This is great! Where will I meet her: at work, at a party?"

"No," says the psychic, "in a biology class."

[Captain Scarlet]

Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery

acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let

the other one off.

[Captain Scarlet]

Since it started snowing all my elderly grandparents have done is look through the bloody window all day. If it gets any worse i will have to let them in...

[Jah Lush]

The Defective Parrot.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the ?200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for ?20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers ?20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'DUNNO? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'

[KidKruger]

Genuine email I got this morning:

"

someone just got hit by a bus on Edgware road....do not know if he was cycling. NEVER EVER CYCLE AND NEVER EVER BE STUPID IN HOW YOU CROSS THE BLOODY ROAD!!!

"

then, later:

"

he must be dead. Apparently his body was under this great big truck :(

"

He must be crushed.

[Jah Lush]

Err.. that's hardly a joke is it? Where's the punchline? I fail to see what's so funny about someone being run over and killed.

[Jah Lush]

No. But wait. It could be.

-----------------------------------

This little lad is peddling down the street on his bike in Belfast when he gets hit by a car doing about 60 miles an hour

An old woman rushes over to him and sees that he`s really badly injured.

"An ambulance is on its way my son." She says " Do you want me to call for a priest?"

"No thanks Ma'am." Says the little boy, "Sex is the last thing on my mind right now!"

[Emerson Crane]

A prostitute says to a bloke, "we can have sex for a ?10 as I don't have a womb", bloke says, "how do we do it then?" She replies "acwoss the woad against the wailings"

[Sue]

Jah Lush Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Err.. that's hardly a joke is it? Where's the

> punchline? I fail to see what's so funny about

> someone being run over and killed.

xxxxxxx

It's a play on "crushed" isn't it?

[Simonet]

I hear the ConDems are going into advertsing and introducing a market leading condom.

"ConDem Condoms...Because just like the government, however much they want to split...they won't!"

[Jah Lush]

A journalist rings Lib Dem Head Office and asks for a copy of their manifesto. "Sorry, we've completely sold out," comes the reply. "I know that," says the journalist, "but can I have a copy of your manifesto?"

[Captain Scarlet]

Cauliflower

Broccoli

Caulifower

Sorry

I suffer from Florets Syndrome

[Captain Scarlet]

Tom had been in the Police force for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.... Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops...... 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' Don't much matter. ......... Just gonna be the two of us!

[Captain Scarlet]

A psychoanalyst walks into a bar and says, "I am self aware enough to recognize that I am in a joke, and as such I will participate in triggering 'humor', that is, the psychic process that operates in the field of the preconscious, based on the dynamic interrelation between the agencies of the mind, and akin to a defense mechanism, consisting of an unexpected re-evaluation of the demands of reality that reverses their painful emotional tone and thereby offers to the triumphant ego that yield of pleasure which enables it to demonstrate its invulnerable narcissism."

"Don't kid yourself", says the bartender.

[Emerson Crane]

Heather Mills mum and dad have bought her a new false leg for Christmas. Its not her main gift, just a stocking filler.

[Captain Scarlet]

So I went to the doctor's today

He said I had Tom Jones Syndrome

I asked if it was common

He said, "It's not unusual."

[Captain Scarlet]

I woke up this morning at 8 and just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do... then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30.

[Captain Scarlet]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Captain Scarlet]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

[Captain Scarlet]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' says the other,

'Yep, says Slim. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[Captain Scarlet]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open..

His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires

[Captain Scarlet]

I got run over by a snow plought this morning. I got up and wiped off the snow.

"bastard", I said, through gritted teeth!

[Huguenot]

Two old women on a park bench. 'Isn't it windy?' observes the first. 'No, it's Thursday' replies her friend.'Yes' she agrees 'So am I, let's have a cup of tea'.

[Captain Scarlet]

Smoking and drinking never did my uncle Roy any harm, he smoked and drankall his life, was great till he hit 60 then died suddenly, they reckon if he wasn't pissed and looking for his fags in the glove compartment he would have missed that tree!