Baby number 3? Too much?

[mumwho]

My partner and I have recently started talking about having another baby. We have two children and are financially stable. We have a good lifestyle by all standards and bearing in mind how tough things are; we are very lucky. My gut says YES but my head says, let's think about it.

Maybe a list with pros and cons? Like many of the mums (and dads) on the EDF, I think two kids is a good balance, plenty of work and sometimes more than I can chew (I am the main carer for the kids). If we have another baby, I would imagine I'd need someone to help me with them (minder/au pair/nanny but to look after them with me not instead of me) and does that mean that the kids get less attention because obviously we have to spread it around? Is it selfish to have another child? How does it become a bit too much?

If any mums/dads of 3 are reading, I would really like to hear your thoughts. I think we both want a large family but I don't want it to become too much and be more than we can cope with.

[Mrs TP]

Hooray you're thinking about it. You are on the edge of the cliff just waiting for someone to push you over into the oblivion of 3. It's fab but called 'out-numbered' for a reason. Most cars seat 5 these days and I know plenty with 3 kids in one bedroom. Not always easy but I don't know anyone who regrets the kids they had but plenty who regret not having more kids. It's bonkers and busy but brilliant. Mine are spread out with the oldest in her first year at secondary and no 3 not starting primary til Sept. I know those that are ultra organised with 3, others in chaos and I like to think we are in the middle. Go for it, get freaked out a bit and come through the other side thinking 'that wasn't too bad, we could have gone for 4'.

Above all remember it is another little person you are thinking about.

[caroandcj]

We have three boys - aged 6, 4 and 6 months - and having a 3rd was the best decision we've ever made. Yes, it is more work but not that much. Yes, it is more financially challenging but you will find a way. The dynamic between the three brothers is lovely and our family life has an added dimension. You will undoubtedly be happy with two but you will be just as happy - but in a different way - with three. I don't know the ages of your two but I doubt you will need more help if you do not work and they are currently at school. Go for it!

[Pickle]

We had our 3rd last year, so my kids are now 6, nearly 5, and 14 months.

Hand on heart, having a 3rd has absolutely been the best decision we cold have made. With our older two so close in age it has both changed the dynamic (in that they now have someone else to play with and can dilute situations where they are getting sick of each other) but strengthened their relationship.

Financially, other than our inevitable long haul flight costs to NZ, we haven't really noticed the difference yet - breastfeeding and cloth nappies have helped in the first year.

Personally I've loved having a baby again, and have felt a lot more relaxed and confident third time round, helped by a very chilled baby. There are the "hassles" of a baby that we have had to readjust to - carrying nappies, daytime naps etc., but this stage is so short lived it's just not an issue.

I am the main carer, at home with the kids full time. I've never felt that I need any help from an au pair or similar, that hasn't been an issue at all. We don't have any family nearby and have managed fine. My husband has been away a few times for work trips etc and again I've found it no problem. I guess the ease of caring for them depends a bit on how old your existing two children are.

I make sure that the time before and after school is geared more towards my older children, helping with homework, playing etc, and then during the school day #3 gets me all to herself.

I know we are lucky to have had the choice, both in terms of being able to have 3 kids, and to be in a financial situation that made it a feasible option.

P x

[spanners45]

I am going to follow this thread carefully. We have always said we'd like three kids (at some point even 4) but some days I feel I have more than enough on my plate. Ours are boys (of the very energetic type) aged almost 3 and almost 1 and sometimes I think a close age gap would be the best so they can all grow up close together and other times I think that I need to give them (and me) a chance to get over the tantrum/over emotional stages before we bring another baby to the family. As said, I'll keep an eye on this one!

[Pickle]

Personally I'm not sure I could have handled it so well if the gap between 2 and 3 was smaller. At 3.5 my middle child was a fiercely independent little girl which made life a lot easier than if she had still needed "help" with everything.

Also, it meant that both kids were at school full time by the time the baby was 9 months old. Having had two kids at home full time with a small age gap, spending my days with just one baby/toddler feels easy :)

[nymom]

I have a four year old and a two year old. We went for number three and I found out I was pregnant with identical twins! My husband has always wanted four so maybe I am saving myself another pregnancy:). Not having the babies for a few more weeks so can give more of an update on how it's going later on. Good luck with your decision. I only had one sibling growing up and wished for more which played a part in my decision to try for another one. I am sure the dynamic will change but I am sure it will mostly be positive.

[BellendenBear]

Snap nymom! We have a four year old and an almost 2 year old and made the decision to go for a 3rd last autumn. Twins (non-identical)! I was in shock for quite a while about this, probably still am actually. Not due until July, sounds like you are due before then so hopefully you can reassure me that 4 babies in 4 years isn't going to totally ruin me.

So just a word of warning for anyone considering taking the plunge and going for 3....

[nymom]

I am actually still in shock to be honest! Due in June but need to deliver in May due to circumstances. Am pretty nervous on how I will handle 4 aged 4 and under. I just finally bought a few things- extra carseat etc as have sort of been in denial :)

[juno]

...or...we decided to go for baby 3...however 2 miscarriages later I'm thinking it probably isn't going to happen now...and that's a shame because I was/am very happy with 2 but had kind of shifted my mindset to 3. This just goes to show you just can't plan these things..!

[Mrs TP]

Juno I'm sorry to hear that. No you can't really plan at all. I had two miscarriages before no 3 and I found this a huge shock after no problems conceiving and carrying the first two. I had a short rest from trying, a check-up at Kings - a lovely consultant who said it was very likely to happen eventually as no obvious problems other than just getting older. I also had a re-think as it was an emotional minefield I had not had to encounter before. I decided to set myself a time limit for the next round of trying and thought if it doesn't happen within 18mths then I will have another re-think. I was lucky no 3 happened within that time frame but looking back I think I would have kept trying for a very long time.

[Goodliz]

juno Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> ...or...we decided to go for baby 3...however 2

> miscarriages later I'm thinking it probably isn't

> going to happen now...and that's a shame because I

> was/am very happy with 2 but had kind of shifted

> my mindset to 3. This just goes to show you just

> can't plan these things..!

Kind of similar situation to Juno. Got preggers by accident with number 3 and was really unhappy about it due to the financial stress it would have caused and I also felt a bit old (a personal hang up I have). Got head round the idea and was then really happy and then along came the miscarriage. I was more upset about it than with my previous miscarriage as I was in my late 30's so it felt almost like a 'last chance'. Now I'm 41 I really wish we had gone for a 3rd when I was younger. But we have 2 fab boys and of course I am very, very grateful for that blessing.

[pebbles]

I'm a mother of 2 (5 and 3) and am in the lucky position (for me) that we've only ever wanted 2 children so are very happy with our family. However I have quite a few friends who have gone for 3 or 4 and not one of them have regretted it. Yes it's a bit more manic and a bit less time for yourself as a couple, but no regrets, and all of them have said that they finally feel their family is complete which they hadn't felt before.

Some of them who are at home who have had at least the eldest at school haven't felt the need to get extra help (but I also know people who have loved having an au pair etc) - every person is different and go with what you feel is right for your family.

Good luck with your decision - and as someone said above, I don't know anyone who has regretted having one (or two or three) more children :)

[Cora]

It's a lot harder work but I think if you are considering it then you probably haven't hung up your broody boots yet! After two for me it just felt wrong to move on and get rid of everything....now with three I love passing my things on and am ready for the next phase!...would have regretted not following that instinct....Now my youngest is three, things are much easier - true financially it's restricting but that's a choice you make....

[Sol]

Woow. I take my hat off for all of you who have 3 and 4. I have 2 and I am totally convinced that's all I want and can manage for various reasons: I do not want to go through another pregnancy/childbirth; I find it difficult enough balancing work and family without anyone help apart from my husband; I also want to be able to enjoy my family and do lots of travelling, outings; I do not want to give it my career to be a full time mum because I wouldn't be happy. I got have been getting rid of everything after my second one which definitely mean I do not want a third one.

It is a very personal decision and I think when you start thinking of 3 is because deep inside you really want it and because somehow you think you can manage. I believe you should go for it if that's the case.

[mrsbee]

We have three boys as well - 5,3 and 1. And yes it is hard work but I love it. After 2 I never really felt that our family was complete but it definitely is now.

I really enjoyed baby number 3 - treasured those early days much more than with the first two. Probably because I knew it was last and partly because I felt more confident and more relaxed.

It is possible to do lots of outings with 3 - we're out and about most weekends.

And I haven't had to give my career up. I work 5 short days which allows me to leave to do the school pick up - so yes it is busy trying to juggle work and children but completely possible.

I reckon if you're thinking about it then go for it - you won't regret it.

[Ole]

My brother and my husband's sister have 3 each and they love it. Their houses are always messy and noisy but fun. I only have one and I'd like to have more children but for medical reasons it is unlikely to happen, therefore if you think you would like another one go with it and let nature take care of the rest, otherwise you will always be wondering what if. If I could, I would have 3.

[WorkingMummy]

We have three: 4, 2, 9 months.

It's chaotic, noisy, exhausting, warm, fun, full, rich and utterly wonderful.

[????]

The fact that you're asking makes me think go for it. The brilliant thing about children is once you've got them you can't do anything about changing it anyway, so just do it, it sounds like you want to.

[fmay]

We have 3.... Just 4, 2 and 8 months.... Utterly exhausting, sometimes very stressful (with no family nearby to offer extra helping hands) but largely 'happy chaos!' My older two are lovely with the baby and our family just feels complete now. I am enjoying baby number 3 more than I did the first two as I am so relaxed and organised after having two already in the past 3 years....and perhaps because I know she is my last (I'd have more if we could afford to!)so I'm relishing every day whilst she's still a baby. Thumbs up for 3 from me!

[crescent]

I have a 9 year old, 7 year old and 8 month old... And it is wonderful! I could not have done the 4,2 and baby...and did not mean to have such a big gap, but finances, jobs and a miscarriage got in the way.

But -- so far-- the gap is lovely. The big ones are at school, so time to enjoy a baby, but with the structure of a school day. And the older 2 dote on her (so far!), and it's been the best 8 months...

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[mumwho]

Thank you all for your comments; really appreciated. We'll need to think about it a bit more before we take the leap. Our children are still quite young (little girl is just over a year) so I guess it would be a fairly full on adventure!

[kew]

all i say is go for it i had 2 boys and wanted a girl,but had three boys and am very happy mine are 8/6/3 and thats it for me cant wait till the 3rd one goes to nursery more relaxed then hahahaha!

[Grotty]

We are going through exactly this dilemma at the moment. We always said we wanted 3 (we have 2 girls aged almost 3 and 16 months), and i do feel "ready" and pretty much yearn for another, but 2 have put a massive financial strain on us. I agree with others above about the not quite feeling like our family is complete now, which likely means that if we don't go for it we will always wonder what if... But, theres a lot that comes with another baby - financial strain, extra chaos, putting my work on hold for another year or so, harder for us to travel back to NZ to see husbands family, less time for other kids. But seriously, forgetting all that, wouldn't it just be lovely. I have 2 exams to do over the next year and we need to prove we can save money and budget and then we've said we'll see. I guess it makes sense to at least make sure we won't be paying for 3 kids childcare and maybe even more sensible to get to a point where the 2 eldest are at school before I go back to work after no.3. Such ongoing dilemmas in my head, but really, its about deciding whether to follow heart or head. its pretty obvious which is going to win, but its about working out when the most sensible will be.

[Fuschia]

We already had 3, a 5 year old and twins of about a year old, when we threw caution to the wind and agreed we would love another. The twins were 2.5 when our last one arrived. It has had its moments, but having a loud, noisy, messy, skint household really is a joy. In between occasional hysterical bouts of shrieking!