Another Lost Cactus thread

[Michael Palaeologus]

Dont believe that Cactus Jack chancer! He's a rogue and a conman and he steals ice cream from small children. He asked me for a large deposit up front, which I was happy to provide. He however failed to deliver the goods, he kept reassuring me that this hadnt happened before and that he was normally very dependable in his delivery of customer satisfaction.

My arse! His attempts at satisfying my needs for a comfortable Fluffy orifice were laughable, it was loose and not fit for purpose and was prone to rattling when subject to a high wind. In the end I had the gap filled by a nice lady pipe fitter from Dunbar.

I fear for Fluffy, those Australian Parakeets are vicious little buggers and may wish to nobble him.

[lozzyloz]

The cheque's in the post . . .

edit for missing comma

[lozzyloz]

. . . . along with Fluffy.

[citizenED]

Stop Press: rather ill-looking Cactus spotted outside EDT. Suggestion is that someone spiked his drink.

[Ant]

How long before we hear from the Spikesman of the Cactus Liberation Front claiming to have freed Fluffy from his human oppressor?

[buggie]

... has anyone checked the forest hill rd end of Dunstans Road??

If I was a young cactus I'd be straight off there for advice from the fine cati elder on what my next move should be

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Has anyone checked inside Cafe El Paso?

[buggie]

...looked like stuff was getting ripped out of there the other day - guessing if he was there Fluffy would have been found. Been asking Spike (my other half's cactus) to keep an eye out but he can be a bit prickly.

[bignumber5]

Moos Wrote:

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> BN5, I am outraged at your comment. A

> baby-holly-cactus hybrid is the responsibility of

> both of its parents, not just its holly-mother.

> Next you'll be saying that the holly is a tart,

> while the cactus is a stud. Your double standards

> are a disgrace to liberal caring-sharing fluffy

> woolly East Dulwich. I propose an hour in the

> Goose Green stocks, and will be bringing a very

> ripe melon myself.

Hey, I don't make the rules: In this liberal society, if I had a cactus who came home and told me that he'd got a holly bush in trouble, I'd support him in taking on his responsibilities, and look to educate for the future. But we can't enforce human ideals on a cactus. In the wild, it's spike then move on. To tie a cactus down to the first holly bush he soils is to defy his natural instincts. That's just cruel.

[Scylla100]

Hey, last night during dinner I had a cactus knock on the door an offer to clean my windows. Now I'm wondering......

Scylla

[Michael Palaeologus]

I have received reports that Fluffy may have been seen in Dulwich Park, could those of you living in West East Dulwich keep your eyes peeled please?

Ta

[Bellenden Belle]

I saw a cactus last night in Green and Blue and it near broke my heart. So young yet made up like a fishmonger's wife, it delivered a heartbreaking rendition of Where is Love...before tearfully struggling its way through a tap dance while singing You've got to Prick a pocket or two.

The judges - a man with piercing eyes and a touch of the John Barryman about him and a woman who reminded me of a small animal - cackled and cast the poor thing out into the mean street that is Lordship Lane.

A rose bush in a leotard was next up...

[macker]

Michael Palaeologus Wrote:

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> ...could those of you living in West East Dulwich keep your eyes peeled please?

"West East Dulwich" -- how very dare you?

It's south North Dulwich, as any ful knows.

You could try cross-posting on the westdulwichforum...

[Brendan]

North Dulwich? Never heard of it myself.

[Moos]

It's that place that's kind of south of here.

[Brendan]

What, near Brighton?

[Moos]

I believe so, making it demonstrably untrue that there is only one gay in the Village.

[Michael Palaeologus]

I wonder whether Fluffy has been abducted by Aliens? I am working from home today, so this morning I was lying on my sofa with a cup of tea watching Discovery Channel and there was a programme on about such things -it seemed very credible.

I do hope his prickly little nether parts arent being probed as I type...

[Ant]

Maybe a Health'n'Safety goon squad nabbed him. They may be depricking him even now.

[Brendan]

Health and Safety Goons?!?!

Don?t tell me those bastards have recruited Sellers and Milligan to do their information videos.

[Ant]

Nah, they only managed to get that other dead one. You know, that Secombe feller. I hear Bentine went on to form the Dangerous Underground.

[macker]

Did anyone here ever get Conlin the cactus-flap fitter to install a cactus-flap properly?

[Michael Palaeologus]

NO! The swine diddled me, bloody CONLIN!!

I finally got a reputable cactus-flap-fitter round to do the job properly.

My cactus-flap now stands waiting, unused, surrounded by yellow ribbons........