Working Mum

[standswithfist]

Just needed to put it somewhere - been back working FT since 1st week in Jan and i MISS MY BABIES SO MUCH. I'm working really long hours, have no routine yet, well we do sort of but I feel like i'm not even treading water. and I miss them. I miss my boy (8 months of gorgeousness) and I miss my 5year old who chatters non stop and asks me every night is it your day off tomorrow? My sleep pattern is out of control as he is teething, winging it for meal times and don't get me started on the laundry/ironing and housework. OH is fantastic as he is now main child carer but he also works FT but evenings and weekends. but i miss them. miss them it hurts. and i hated being at home. At my workplace only one other has children so I can't even talk about them. Anyway.. I just had to get it of my chest. Have a good day guys *goes and cries into her hankie*

[sillywoman]

Stands. I see your post has been viewed a few times but no one has replied yet (unless I cross posts). I don't know what to say - I've never been in your position, but I can imagine the visceral pull of your babies would be incredibly difficult to cope with while you're having to be somewhere else so you can put food on their table and a roof over their heads. I hope you are being kind and gentle with yourself: having lots of breaks and making sure you give yourself plenty of small treats? I'm sure that a routine will emerge and gradually it will all feel more manageable, but for now I'm sending you lots of love and sympathy via the internet. I suspect that you will have a lot of people shortly posting, as what you are describing must be a common experience of Mums having to return to work?

[bluesuperted]

I don't have experience either but I like SW can imagine the pull you must feel on your heart.

Is there absolutely no way you can drop one day? If not then how about getting some extra help with meal preparation, laundry or other household tasks so your time at home can be devoted to your kids and talking to them? I know I DROWN in laundry and I am at home FT, it's bloody horrendous! I was doing the maths and think we have in excess of 300 items going through our washer and dryer a week, gah, takes an evening just to put it in piles after 5 loads have gone through... Anyway my point is can you ruthlessly outsource all that stuff as much as possible? I think ?Mellors might have posted about a load of tips for making things smoother when working FT - some of which are just as handy for SAHMs I think - like Ocado (amazing), meal planners, Cook!, weekly cleaner, etc. Also poor you with the teething, are you cosleeping? I know quite a few mums (and dads) who have found cosleeping a good way of reconnecting with baby/toddler when back at work. It might mean you get more rest too which could be a big help.

I hope it starts to get easier, I'm sure it will, sounds very early days. xx

[Knomester]

Wise and comforting words from SW and BST...

I work 4 days a week and rarely get to do the drop off or pick up as I'm up in the city. Every morning my 3.5yo asks me whether it's 'staying at home with Mummy' day. I know he is fine once he gets to nursery, but I also know his favourite days are when we're all at home together.

We try to all sit down for breakfast together every day (because it's not possible to eat together at any other meal during the week). Would that be possible for you once you've got the routine bit sorted (it comes with time...) so that you have some time to just sit and chat and find some family headspace before the start of each day?

There is no way I could go back to working 5 days a week (I'd rather be doing 3!) - I treasure my Fridays at home with my son - and that makes it all a bit more bearable. If there is any way you could rearrange your hours to have 1 extra day at home perhaps you'd find it would help you to cope better mentally with the separation?

There is some great advice on another thread about things which help ease the pressure at home - some of which BST has alluded to.

[standswithfist]

thanks for all your replies guys made me teary or maybe i'm just tired and emotional today!

i leave before everyone is up and back after the kids have eaten. i think maybe just give it time and be kind to myself for now. tomorrow night is my first night out since starting work - i arranged it with my friend the first week i started work as i don't see any friends now either!! i'm looking forward to it but already feel guilty that the hour i could be at home with the kids i'll be out enjoying myself! and i'm half tempted to cancel as i am tired but i know i must go as need to feel like a "person" and not a mum/partner/worker.

thanks again so much i'm going to read these again later X

[liz.e.jones]

Don't cancel your date with your friend - you deserve it! (was going to write more but have baby at boob so one-handed typing is giving cramp!!)

Just remember we are all doing our best for our kids. :)

[Convex]

I'm sorry you are finding it hard.

I am on mat leave now but found compartmentalising worked best for me. Ie, at home I don't think about work, at work I don't really think about home.

I'd ideally like to go back 4 days, as I think this offers a better balance, would this be possible for you?

And could you sort your hours so you always do either breakfast or bedtime? Then you have that regular time to hang out.

[Monkey]

My daughter is five and I have been back full time since she was four months old. It's really hard. I miss her like mad and I am constantly exhausted. The time when it worked best was when I was compartmentalising work and home as mentioned above and had lots of help: cleaning lady twice a week and was using an ironing service too. Not sustainable as very expensive!!! But it worked - the idea being that the time spent with them is quality time.

Good luck!

[Jessie]

Just to say my son is 9 and I've been working full time and been a single parent since he was 2 - it gets easier. Be gentle and kind to yourself, acknowledge the emotions of it all, and don't worry, these feelings of sadness do abate over time.

[theratprincess]

Not sure if this helps, but I feel like this too. Today I felt like I don't know if I can keep all the plates spinning.

This time around, I've been back at work for about 5 months and seem to have hit a bit of a wall. I have a nearly 4 year old and a 15 month old, work 4 days per week in central London, both children at nursery. Partner and I split drop offs and pick ups equally, but the practicalities of the nursery run really do my head in.

Problem is that I don't want to stay at home, as I would have to give up a career that I've worked hard for, but I don't really feel like what I am doing is sustainable. It's exhausting.

To make myself feel better, I have booked some time off work and keep trying to focus on one task at a time, rather than thinking too deeply about the bigger picture.

[Masuctum]

it seems really hard for working mommies. Think on the bright side and try to spend the most meaningful time for your children when you are together.

[Mellors]

I miss mine too. Its tough. You're not alone.

I don't know what else to esay really other than buy in as much help as you can afford with e.g. cleaning, Ocado, childcare etc. Be ruthless in dumping unnecessary crap (ironing!) and people who make you unhappy. Try to completely switch off from work when you're not there and focus on your family. make the time you spend together quality time (which for me isn't necessarily vising millions of things etc, but just hanging out and cuddling).

It will get better - lack of sleep is crucifyingly awful, and no routine makes it impossible.

Admission: I sometimes get the littlest out of bed in the middle of the night when I go up to sleep just to have a cuddle because I havent seen him all day :/

*limp high five of solidarity*

[Trish]

I'm another full time working mum and feel your pain! I had to work away from home this week so didn't see my 8 year old daughter and 3 year old son for 3 days. The joy of being bundled by them and smothered in kisses and cuddles is beyond explanation. Their happiness at seeing me almost made up for the time I was away.

I agree with everyone else's advice - firstly it will get better and easier. And don't whatever you do beat yourself up. I think, when you work, you value your time with your children so much you put extra effort into making that time incredibly special. I couldn't function without a cleaner and online shopping. But the most important thing in the day is a cuddle with them.

When your sleep routine is all over the place then you're far more emotional anyway - it will all calm down eventually. Just hang on in there and enjoy the cuddles when you can get them!

[womanofdulwich]

I would like to add that its easier in some ways to leave little ones , its when they are teenagers that they need more parents " being around", and resent any kind of childcare.

[standswithfist]

I can't tell you how much your PMs and posts above have helped. I do know it will take time but sometimes you can't really see the woods for the trees!

sillywoman / liz.e.jones - I think you are right about trying to be kind to ourselves - normally i'm the last person i think about! And so tonight i am going out and will enjoy myself immensely! No doubt talk about the kids all night too!

Bluesuperted - can't drop any days or work from home as this position is a temp to perm but i think perferable would be to drop a day as the days are long. Also OH has got really handy with the washing machine and dryer which has helped.

Convex - I thought of you this morning!! The baby was screaming as i left and i paused thinking i need to go back but that would make me late for work and his dad would get it all under control so talked myself into switching off and getting into commuter mode. worked for 5 mins but then i texted to see if all ok.

Monkey - a lot of you have mentioned cleaners/ironing and i have been thinking oohh can i justify spending it but infact it makes sense for my own sanity i think. i shall be calling round after i write this

Jessie / Masuctum - thankyou for your kind words X

theratprincess - i was feeling like that its all a juggle and sometimes we just need to lie down and have a break! I think booking some time off is a good idea - i just cant till i get made permanent in my role (not long now end of April)

Mellors - my 5 year old still occasionally sleeps with me but it was purely because i hadn't seen her too! She is abit put out by the baby usurping her place in the bed!!! but thankyou for your reply made me smile!

Trish - how true about the cuddles! in my old job i face timed my daughter 3 days a week when she was at home and i'm doing that now again just to see their faces. thankyou X

womanofdulwich - can't even begin to imagine mine as teenagers lol!!!

Thankyou all so much - for making me feel better. time to get a cleaner and diarise some ME time.

X

[midivydale]

It will get better but it is so very hard. The best advice was on a similar thread this time last year from "working mummy". She said so many brilliant things but the two things that I particularly remember was a)try to focus on a few minutes at the time. Ie now all i need to do is get dressed or right, lets get on the train, or "ok-lets do this meeting". Easier said than done but this strategy has made me survive this year and I make a conscious effort to focus on only the task ahead. B) When I get home I am entirely focused on my son, no phone, no emails and no clock watching during bed time. I make sure I am really there.

Thirdly, I try to cut out guilt. Some ready made meals here, cutting out bath time for more cuddles there,

it really doesnt matter in the end.

Not at all pretending to have all if any answers. It is hard, some days harder than others.

[Convex]

Oh yes NO GUILT good point midivydale.

[ACBP]

So pleased you started this thread. I'm three weeks into return to work with 14mth old son at nursery for three days and with a CM for one day. I miss him so much and I have Fridays with him. I'm wracked with guilt at leaving him even though it's what I want and I know it's a good example for him in the future. I've searched for stuff to make me feel better but I suppose that will take time...My feelings are a minefield at the moment. I've been pondering a cleaner for a few weeks now. Think after reading all your comments I will get one. Precious moments at weekends should not be spent scrubbing kitchens and bathrooms....

[Pugwash]

With daughter number 1, I went back to work when she was 6 weeks old, I was lucky that I was based in Peckham so very little travelling. An aunt who just retired looked after her, she also had another aunt and a Gran around who loved her to bits. Her father loved her but was not hands on - useless with nappies etc, did not help with the housework. He was also a bit tight with the housekeeping so my job paid the mortgage and bills. Although I loved my daughter, I was not a 'natural mother' and enjoyed working.

Daughter number 2 - different Dad - husband very hands on from day 1, I went back to work when she was 5 months old and had a workplace nursery so she travelled with me. We took turns in getting up at night so at least one of us had a good nights sleep. I was still not a 'natural mother' as I still enjoyed working more than being with the girls.

I did worry later about the effects I had on their development by being a working mum and to a certain extent putting them 2nd. I was somewhat emotional reading through one of the girls exam projects/essay when she wrote that she came from a family of strong women, and that she enjoyed her childhood as she knew my work made me a happier person to have around at the weekends and holidays and that we did not have very structured days, friends were always welcomed in and during their teenage years our house was very much open door.

I think if you are able to work and do not mind a certain amount of chaos around you ( who is going to worry if you don not dust the shelves every week, and that the house is not as tidy) and other adults and children are given roles - even 5 year olds like to lay tables and help with the drying up of small items. you can cope and have the best of both worlds.

[kittysailing]

Pug wash that's heartening to read. A very successful business woman and a great mum of three kids who I used to work for pre-kids once said to me 'I never apologise for working to my kids'. She felt it was really important that the kids viewed your work as something positive in your life. She never said 'I'm really sorry but mummy has to work' or 'mummy will make up for it by buying you that new toy' She felt it was much healthier if they didn't get wind of the fact that you were working but you really felt like you should be with them. Quite a trick to pull off when there will inevitably be guilt and a genuine desire for you all to spend the morning in your jamas cuddling in front of the telly! (which, incedently is where you'll find me on a Thursday morning after three full on days of work and nursery! After naps for we bugger off for some fun leaving our lovely cleaner to it) I always try to put a positive spin on my work in front of the kids( I do actually like it so that helps!) Often on the walk to drop off on a Monday morning I say ' aren't we lucky you're going to see your friends at nursery and I'm going to see my friends at work!' Ok, ok , I confess sometimes my teeth ARE gritted! Massive respect to the incredible multi-tasking, clever mums out there who are using every bit of the guile, cunning and downright hard graft to pull it all off day by day, week by week! Slack. Cut yourself some. X

[Yak]

I found going back to work (8 months) full time fine, but then I was lucky in that my OH took 3 months off to do full time child care and settling in to nursery. So I was in the very fortunate position of settling back in without having to do all the other things that normally come with that.

BUT I really found that I hit a brick wall after about 6 months, when the sheer relentlessness of working FT in the office 5 days a week doing an incredibly stressful and demanding job hit home. And no one in my team had kids so I felt v isolated and unable to winge about the inevitable sleepness nights. So my top tips would be to build in some planned holidays, outsource as much as you can, just accept sometimes you won't get everything right, find someone to vent to either online or in person, and build in some you time. My mantra now is "when has trying my best not been good enough" which stops me trying and failing to do everything perfectly, all of the time.

Would a trip to your workplace with your kids work at all? I found I got a bit more slack once my colleagues were able to put a face to a name. And it might help your daughter to see what it is like where Mummy works.

Kittysailing, I love the idea about not being apologetic for work - something that I am all too good at doing. Excellent food for thought.

[Mellors]

I agree with Yak. I also think it really helps to talk to them about what you do - where you go, who you work with etc. It makes it feel real, and they can understand why its important, and not just that you are buggering off into a black hole every day. My children understand that not only am I happy with my work, but that it benefits all of us because it pays for things for all the family.

I am always rueful when I read Emily Brown and the Emergency Telephone to them though and they have to rescue the Elephant Mummy from a "dreadful big, grey, business" so they can go can have adventures together (with her mobile still ringing). That's me!

None of this rationality stops me wanting to punch the faces in of my colleagues who are tired today because they went to the pub after work last night. I was up all night with a sick kid (and have been all week), my husband is away too and I have the worl'd biggest pile of "life admin" screaming at me. Meh.