Xmas Hah! Welcome to Bar Humbug

[baglady]

BEWARE.

mistltoe monsters, and i said no tongues.

Ughhh is that a coldsore

[HonaloochieB]

Christmas tip number two.

Carrots for the reindeer? Waste good veg on the livestock? Especially that which is webbed up with an utter bastard like Claus.

No, the streets are littered with dog turds, there is orange poster paint available. You know what to do.

Claus eats it? Rudolph eats it?

Either way a bastard gets it.

[HonaloochieB]

Just heard Greg Lake's 'I Believe In Father Christmas'. Christ on a trike.

Mind you I shopuldn't be surprised as this is the same b@stard who played on 'Brain Salad Surgery'

There are no depths to which he won't sink.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Good old Oxford Children's Dictionary - the following words have been removed:

manger, carol, cracker, holly, ivy, mistletoe

[HonaloochieB]

That's the style, get them early.

[Keef]

Ivy? Miserable old battleaxe from Corrie, that's the only Ivy that matters!

[Jah Lush]

Left the house this morning on the way to work and before I even got to the end of the roud I noticed three enormous splashes of what can only be described as office party puke. Urgh! Bah humbug indeed.

[Keef]

I hate people puking on the street, especially when they make no effort to get to a drain or something.

[Michael Palaeologus]

Why do the festive clementines go mouldy so quickly.

and

Why do the Christmas Tree sellers outside the EDT think that they can get away with asking ?10 for a 1 foot tall "tree"?

[Keef]

Bloody pubs charging you to be squashed in to an over busy place on New Years eve! Grrr!!!

[HonaloochieB]

Frigging bloody bastard once a year drinkers, infesting my watering holes, inserting their malodourous carcasses into chairs that I have come to think of as mine, causing a back up at the bar because their rat-sized brains can't take in the fact that pubs have a choice of alcoholic drinks, the men's clumsy, inappropriate flirting with the young female bar staff (taking bread from the mouths of aging Lotharios, the bastards), trying to make conversation with 'regulars' ('the door is the rectangular thing in the wall behind you, kindly use it') and just the general hogo of twattishness that surrounds them.

Bastards.

[Keef]

You just described my Christmas Eve in the CPT, I am so with you there!

[HonaloochieB]

Keef. Me. Dancefloor. People = Shit - Slipknot.

Perfect.

[LuvPeckham]

I just put my tree up - Bl**dy thing will be dead in a few weeks.

[HonaloochieB]

LuvPeckham Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> I just put my tree up - Bl**dy thing will be dead

> in a few weeks.

Put a tree up!!??? WHAT???

Up your @rse I hope.

[Keef]

Bloody needles all over the carpet, trip to the vet for the dog's paw!

[Jah Lush]

I've never bought a Christmas tree in my entire life and I'm not bloody well starting now. Feck off.

[HonaloochieB]

Quite fight too JL. Barkeep, a couple of whiskey sours over here, pronto.

[HonaloochieB]

#Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..#

Chestnuts? What do we want chestnuts for? No livestock to be fed round here.

[HonaloochieB]

#Jack Frost nipping on your nose..#

If a down-at-heel fictional detective comes round here attempting to nip MY nose, he?d better arrive with a squad of highly tooled-up SO19ers.

And even then he?s leaving by a window. Bastard.

[HonaloochieB]

#Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,

And folks dressed up like Eskimos...#

Anyone looking remotely like a caroller will be a given a warm welcome.

The tar is heating up nicely and there?s a couple of unplucked turkeys to complete the job.

The same goes for ?wasaillers?. I give fair warning.

[HonaloochieB]

#Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe,

Help to make the season bright.

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,

Will find it hard to sleep tonight?#

Their eyes aglow from all the hours they?ve spent playing Grand Theft Auto and hammering crystal meth, probably.

[HonaloochieB]

#They know that Santa's on his way;

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh.

And every mother's child is going to spy,

To see if reindeer really know how to fly?#

Listen, a couple of the regulars have suggested buying a reindeer and taking a coach trip up to Beachy Head on Boxing Day to test out this thesis.

There?s a collection going on. If you?re interested speak to either No Nose or Mad Gavin.

[HonaloochieB]

#And so I'm offering this simple phrase,

To kids from one to ninety-two?#

You can read can?t you? The sign on the door?

NO RUGRATS OR COFFIN DODGERS.

Now do one.

[HonaloochieB]

#Although it?s been said many times, many ways,

F*CK OFF.#