Top Tips

[waynetta]

CARthieves. Always carry a spare can of petrol with you in case the driver has syphoned off all the petrol from his car and is carrying it round with him in one or two plastic buckets.

[waynetta]

PREPARE baby sea turtles for their hectic life at sea by placing them in a washing machine. Add salt instead of soap and you have the perfect 'ocean simulator'.

[daizie]

Confuse your local chinese takeaway buy phoning an order while in the middle of a game at your local bingo hall

[waynetta]

A SIMPLE pocket calculator placed alongside your television is a constant source of amusement. Watch your friends' faces as they try in vain to change the TV channel with it.

[daizie]

ANIMAL LOVERS: Convince your friends that you've recently acquired a dog by walking around carrying a bag of shit

[daizie]

A LIBERAL application of talcum powder to ones genitals creates an authentic 'antiquey' look

[waynetta]

Eh??

[waynetta]

ALCOHOLICS Increase the strength of your booze by an eight by giving blood immediately before going on a bender.

[HAL9000]

Daizie - you're conflating your aphorisms ? well-spotted waynetta. It should, of course, be:

Convince up-skirt voyeurs that you have mildew by liberally applying talcum powder to your genitals.

[waynetta]

Eh??

[waynetta]

STRING dipped in tomato sauce makes perfect reusable spaghetti for kids who don't like spaghetti

My kids never touch the stuff, and don't realise I've been serving them up the same bowl of string for over a year now.

[daizie]

CONFUSE your laptop by wanking at your stereo

[daizie]

Dog racing enthusiasts: A Yorkshire terrier on a pair of stilts makes for an ideal greyhound replacement.

[daizie]

MEN. Show your wife who's boss by giving her a quarterly performance review.

[daizie]

NEVER trust a coalman who leaves your house with one clean finger

[infogreed]

jaybee82 Wrote:

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> Or put all of your shirts inside one another and

> iron them all at once. Perfect every time.

hahahaha nice one, never occured to me:)

[daizie]

FOOL members of the Public into thinking you are desperate for the Toilet by clutching yourself tightly whilst rushing in the direction of the nearest Public Conveniences and loudly saying, " I'm going to fill my pants !

[camberwell70]

daizie Wrote:

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> FOOL members of the Public into thinking you are

> desperate for the Toilet by clutching yourself

> tightly whilst rushing in the direction of the

> nearest Public Conveniences and loudly saying, "

> I'm going to fill my pants !

So that was you on Camberwell Green was it, 'daizie', you card you!

[daizie]

Whats happened to waynetta?

[Ridgley]

Mum would always say when I was a teenager, always have in your bag a safety pin and a tissues because at some point you will need one or the other

[Annette Curtain]

Ridgley Wrote:

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> Mum would always say when I was a teenager, always

> have in your bag a safety pin and a tissues

> because at some point you will need one or the

> other

Makes sense now.

Mummy's boy.

:)A.Curtain

[daizie]

shoes will last 20% longer if you increase your stride by 1/5th

[camberwell70]

yes, that's true, but careful you don't wee on them!

[daizie]

Just for you camberwell70 .

RUB a bite size Mars Bar and Lemon Juice into the Gusset of your Knickers/Underpants will fool your Partner into thinking you are either starting to wear the same Underwear for two weeks or, that you are suddenly becoming Doubly Incontinent

[camberwell70]

Thanks for that life-changing tip daizie, but why lemon juice?