dulwichmum

I am uninspired by the lot of them. David Cameron reminds me, more and more, of That Stupid Boy from Dad's Army. He is a lightweight. Shame on he and Clegg trying to make social capital of their family/life experience. Cameron could just as easily have discussed yachting around the Maldives in his father-in-law's yacht. He doesn't speak to me. I bet he goes home at night and has his nanny tuck him in. All Clegg could do was prattle on about his respect for the nurses and the armed forces and the carers, all "unsung heroes" - smarmy git. His wife is still not sure that she will allow him to take public office and if he ever comes home late, I imagine that she will happily box his ears. Gordon was boring and bland, but he was better than the other two, he was dignified. Cameron's references to his life experience made me cringe. "You are at an interview here sweetie, get over yourself". I have decided that I should have entered this damn election. I want to stamp out Jonnie's (Boden) Army. There are far too many "hotchpotch" dresses, "fun" skirts and "flippy" dresses on the streets at the moment. The population is clearly depressed and have lost their way. We need some glamour in this election. Lets get together and spend our way out of this damn recession. I have my husband's credit card and I am not afraid to use it. I will not be content until the front door of No 10 is painted Elephant's Breath (eggshell - Farrow and Ball), I shall have plantation shutter installed and bay trees at the front. Let us damp dust this economy (or pay some nice subservient person to do it for us - manual work was never a strong point). Let us install a ducking stool and a set of stocks in Dulwich Park and dish out punishments to women who wear fake uggs and Crocs. Let us give free vino to all parents and allow working mothers every Friday afternoon off work so that they can drink wine and try on make-up at The Mother Ship - Peter Jones! Let us close every branch of Lidl, Aldi, Netto and Iceland and replace them with lovely branches of Waitrose. I have no problem with Cath Kidston; why should I care what kind of pinny that the help wears? I draw the line at ladies not making the effort and letting themselves go, wearing their husband's fleeces and Fitflops while they schlep up Lordship Lane. If this country is in a mess, lets give the men something nice to look at! Let us replace child benefit and family tax credit with beauticians' gift vouchers. Come, join me, vote for The Fabulous Party. Nice policies for nice people (stamps foot). LET US PUT THE GREAT BACK IN BRITAIN!

So "Liberty", you have just joined this forum and you pitch in to recommend a new local forum with no traffic. How very informative of you!

Lovely Moos, When you have a new section, they remove the old scar! They cut it out and tidy it up. Ruth, you need to go to your GP and ask him if you need antibiotics, it sounds as though you are in more pain than you should be sweetie. I have had two sections (for maternal distress) and I know a little about these things...

I love you Shosh. You are breaking my damn heart. I am coming to visit you, and I am bringing Sean with me...

*Drops dog stunner like a stone...* "Prrr, God how I adore a man with a sharp sense of humour!"(bats eyelashes)

*quietly removes dog stunner from enormous luxury handbag* Come here little poochlet, I have some refreshments for you...

OH MY GOD ...

Perfect Narnia, Indeed I am superior (bats eyelashes). Are you a vegetarian sweetie? If you also read The Guardian, wear enormous alpaca Peruvian hand knits and have an long wirey hair on your chin, you may find that you don't really fit in dans le village. We are incredibly fabulous over here you know. If we are not threading, we are waxing and if we are not waxing, we are having facials and pedicures. All of our knitwear is cashmere, and the newsagents only stock The Times. My husband prefers the chef to simply show the steak the flame sweetie and his plate looks like a butchers block!

Lovely Narnia, William Rose is a shop in East Dulwich, and I rather enjoy hanging around with you rifraf. It makes me feel superior!

I hear that William Rose is about to run a pretentious course on butchery. Could someone please, let me have the details urgently? I need to book James a place before it is too late. I refuse to be married to the only man in SE21 who hasn't boned a pheasant (wail).

In the name of God! That is a blast from the past... The Swan in Stockwell, James once went there because he heard it was choc full of student nurses. He imagined Barbara Windsor, and instead saw Hattie Jacques...(laughs socks off) What a shame! We met in Berkeley Square you know. Gosh I am gorgeous.

I feel the same way with regard to Macon - I love it, but must move on to Chablis quite quickly if it is being sold by the pint...

Michael dear heart, I don't know what you mean (opens fan)! I am currently honey blonde, and Nicky Clarke himself is responsible - he has gone right off ginger of late (I wonder why...). Dearbhail, my new au pair, is as large as my husbands bonus, but much less attractive! Help yourself sweetie, but remember, my hair is always perfect and my au pair must be home before midnight - I work her like a dog!

Trots into quiet room followed by new orange haired, pale skinned au pair from Ireland... "Get to it sweetie, it's time to do the Shake and Vac!"

In general, I really like the Evening Standard and look forward to my regular fix of Liz Hoggard. I love the fact that the Evening Standard is London centric and keeps me in touch with what is going on in Town. I simply wish that they would run a feature on Alleyn Road. I haven't seen the glossy ES magazine for a few weeks, please some-one tell me that Peaches Preaches has been tossed onto the scrap heap? Why anyone would write to that vacuous 21 year old divorcee for advice is beyone me (stomps foot). If she were my daughter, I would lock her in her boxroom. I think that she has had far too many E numbers in her diet.

I have never understood this fascination with gyms and fitness contraptions. I shall never set foot in a gym, who would want to work out in a room choc full of egotistical sweaty people, there to show off? It is not for everyone. I tried that British Military Fitness, but just ended up with a broken nail and dog poo on my cashmere tracksuit, and as for the power plate I rented to use at home? Well, I spilled far too much Chablis. No, I sit here wearing my Slendertone belt, and it is all the exercise I need (sigh). God only knows the sort of people that these machines will attract into the park. They will be up to no good and within sight of the children's play area too! Only this afternoon I saw an enormous, floppy haired, Guardian reader careering about on roller blades in very short cycling shorts, and he must have been at least fifty! You would never catch any of the super Dulwich dads I know, engaged in such antics. They are all still nursing their heads from Cheltenham or some other corporate rugby beano. I swear that they must bus these people in from Lambeth.

I am horrified by this lazy journalism. Alleyn Park is sooo not the place to live in SE21, it is Alleyn Road (stomps foot). Alleyn Park has three schools and can be congested and difficult to find parking. Alleyn Road is much more quiet and select. Magpie clearly knows what she is talking about.

*Glares at Woofmarkthedog* Tips cap to ????

Ah yes! The Celtic Tiger. Check out this article from The Irish Times and flick through the images of properties of comparable value. Was this Irish or what? http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/property/2010/0311/1224266033329.html

Oh SteveT sweetie, you are such a love. And it is not as though I am an arse like the Duke of Edinburgh, going around insulting people or anything. I mean, I am a genuine member of the public with a job and everything...

OHMYGOD! It will be a bloodbath. The Welsh team are so ugly that their mothers can't bear to watch and the Irish, well they are just such lovely boys. I am so glad that you warned me. I wondered why my husband flew out to Dublin tonight. I thought he was having an affair!

Omniprescient dear, I have never made a secret of my love of Vente lattes! I could never have been one of your favourites (sob), you cad!

OHMYGOD! Is there nothing that we can depend on? Nothing that will stand the test of time and prove to be worthy of its reputation? Ah yes, there is Carla Bruni! That leopard will never change her spots...

Can you believe it? Those people at Starbucks are now selling sachets of dried "ready to go" coffee, ?1.50 for three! How very dare they. I shall never darken their door again. How can they possibly peddle instant coffee in a coffee house? How very dare they (stomps foot)?

Sweet ????, I am sending the housekeeper to Waitrose. What is this sunny delight? Is it a sachet of powdered pudding from Birds? Please help me to afford my darlings every opportunity and advantage. I am at the end of my rope (wail).