dulwichmum

Slopes sadly into room, notices lovely gifts and perks up immediately. Smiles at chums and sits in favourite chair. Breathes deeply...

Dear Ms Polly Dorner and Mr Keef, Thank you so much for your kind concern. I feel punch drunk and sad today too. I knew things were on their way down hill when I heard Freya shouting and screaming first thing in the morning, and then she danced past me wearing a 'number one mum' badge. That was before I even got my card! The children were fighting all day long, and then my darling husband handed over my gift with a grudging look. That man gets to attend more corporate sporting do's than I have had hot dinners. I never go anywhere, and then my mother turns up and gives me a book with 365 prayers in it for mothers (all containing bible passages on how to be selfless - I am no good at selfless, selfish yes, selfless no). She told me that my road to contentment starts at the door of St Thomas Moore at Dulwich Plough... Well, we were running out of cat litter - so the book came in handy. Was everyone else surrounded by their adoring offspring and grateful loving partners? Or was it just my house that looked like the set from an episode of Trisha?

Dear Mr Keef, Surely you have not seen 'bush meat' for sale in Lordship Lane?

We will just have to wait and see what happens to darling Paul when he becomes a daddy. James would come out with that sort of thing until we had the children! Mr Holdsworth shall have the biggest, flashiest trendiest buggy he can buy, his partner shall have a home birth with an independent midwife, and he shall walk the length of Lordship Lane daily with junior strapped to his front in a Baby Bjorn carrier, while his partner walks beside him with an empty pram (the tray beneath briming with organic produce to be pureed later for baby Saskia/Hugo). Paul shall talk at length to other dads at work about the difficulties of 'latching on' and the destructive influence on the environment of disposable nappies. He shall attend NCT classes and insist that regular NCT tea group meetings are hosted in his front room. He shall take up at least three seats in any coffee shop he visits avec enfant, one for the baby carrier, one for the nappy bag, and one for him and junior. It comes to us all sweet cheeks, just wait your turn. You will see.

Great suggestion, I wish I had though of that myself.

Good evening darling, I feel very sad tonight, but you still make me smile......

Dear Mr Bald Marauder, How about this? Any parent/guardian entering any coffee/tea emporium on/off Lordship Lane with a small child/baby (singular or selection of) and pram, should immediately be issued with a large complimentary drink of choice (preferably laced with alcohol). All patrons of the said establishment (who have had a nights sleep), should stand immediately to ensure that a selection of seating is available for the said exhausted parent to make a choice of. Does that seem fair to everyone on the forum?

Dear Mr Keef, I agree, where is the love?

I apologise Mrs Mamafeelgood and Mr Bald Marauder if I was over the top, but I think North London is as dreadful as ..... Brixton! I should have been perhaps a bit more diplomatic about it though. Clearly. Sorry for any offence caused.

OHMYGOD!

Walks purposefully into room carrying large bottle of Fabreze followed by Eastern European au pair dragging vacuum cleaner. Pushes curtains open, opens windows to allow cool spring breeze to fill room. Inhabitants run from room like vampires fleeing from light. Ana whacks vacuum into fourth gear and the silence is broken. Newspapers rustle, duvets are confiscated and folded into enormous handbag. The smell of feet and halitosis are banished. Struggles to take an enormous eight wicked Diptyque 'Figuier' scented candle from handbag, finds small box of Claridges matches in side pocket of handbag and lights said candle. Recycling box outside lounge is stacked high with old copies of Razzle from underneath Mr Mikewbates chair. James arrives with tray of Starbucks Latte and leaves quickly. Sits down and admires nail polish.

Dear Ms Mamafeelgood, I am sorry, I hate the snobbery that exists about north of the river. Have you seen the dump that they call Manor House, Finsbury Park, East Finchley, Highbury - even most of Camden? The only place with an edge I feel is Hampstead and I suppose Primrose Hill. Just because this is south east London - it does not mean we should know our place. We love where we live and we are not pompous about it. Anyhow, I always considered Richmond to be more West London, not North? It is not afterall north of the river at all.

I apologise for the brawl I caused in The Castle last night. I just see red when they try to sell me a bad pint, but I really should control my temper. I feel much better for the night in the cells in Peckham nick. I promise to behave myself tonight. I think it was drinking all day for St Patricks day, I really should try to pace myself.

Dear Mr Bald Marauder, I just got your earlier message, thank you so much sweetie. DM

Dear Mr Bald Marauder, I was not offended in the least! One of the things I enjoy about the forum must is the witty debate - but the other thing I enjoy just as much is sending myself up, and I quite like being told off about it too. I was not offended at all dear heart, how could I be? If there is one thing that I have a soft spot for - it is a devoted daddy. The other thing I have a soft spot for is Mr Batdog. Love,

Can I get anyone some coffee or perhaps some nice soup? You poor darlings! I shall have Ana boil up a chicken carcas and celery for stock.

Yes Mr Batdog, I remember the 90's in the then desolate Lordship lane. I still have an image of you in my head - dancing in The Penthouse to a Primal Scream track, full of beer with my bra on your head - but hey, that is just my personal fantasy.

Dear Fish, Thank you so much sweetie. Are you Mrs/Ms/Mr Fish?

Good thinking Chartwell, I like the suggestion of the patch of newly laid turf on the road. Very clever. All this piddle in buckets though, it is really not very Village!

Dear Fish, I think that to be fair - what you might be saying is 'Is East Dulwich becoming too expensive?'

Too posh for whom? (is that correct?)

Pulls another two duvets from enormous handbag for Ant and Bagpuss 78. Passes between groaning bodies with glasses of fresh orange juice and small candle. Feels selfless, caring and ladylike - similar to Florence Nightingale. Decides to buy a corset and checks watch to see if Peter Jones on Sloane Square is still open. Texts au pair with measurements and sends her straight to Rigby and Peller.

Darling Batdog, That is all I wanted to say really, it just makes me smile...darling Batdog! I noticed the thread that Mr Mockney Piers started about it yesterday in the 'General issues/but no gossip' section. It really made me smile. I am glad to see that others are appreciating the merits of Dulwich, and noting the attributes and preferences of Dulwichmums and Dulwichdads. I think the wonderful thing about Dulwich is it's sense of community. I feel safe around here, it is a great place to be a child I think. The best nappy valley around. It is just so important that us pushy mums try to control our competitive selves, and let the little ones be children. Yes there is good housing stock around here, but there are great parks too, and lots of other great stuff (watch this closely now - will the administrator tell me that I am to get out of the lounge???). I know everyone complains about the three wheeled prams and Bugaboo buggies, but the profusion of young families around here have given the place a soul. The shops and streets are busy during the day - everyone is not heading into town for work! I know you like to see a young lady with a buggy, and are even partial to the odd pot of tea. I think we have added energy and vitality to the area. I hope you are not the only person on here (sans enfants) who does not hate parents and young children?

Pulls fluffy Hungarian goose down pillow out from enormous handbag. Walks over to Mr Keef and places it carefully under his poor head. Returns to huge handbag. Drags enormous Hungarian goose down duvet out of handbag and puts it over Mr Keef. Thinks to self - that enormous Mulberry bag was worth the stacks of cash I (or rather James) paid for it!

Arrives with enormous bottle of freshly squeezed orange juice, and dispenses glass of same to poor Ms Shambles and Mr Mikewbate. Rummages in enormous handbag and takes out paracetamol and dispenses same to last nights casualties. Opens windows and draws curtains. Sits down in fav. armchair. Looks around for favourite dog...