dulwichmum

Dear Mr Mikewbate, You are terribly handsome yourself! Did you hear the dreadful gossip about Ralph Feinnes and the Trolley Dolly on the flight from Australia to India? It seems he really is quite insatiable, and I thought he was married too! Was Mr Feinnes at the BAFTAS? I didn't know it was on TV last night. Will it be on another station tonight do you suppose?

Mr Mikewbate, A man of property! Ms Shambles - he sounds terribly attractive, don't you think? (its that 'slightly gorgeous' - I am intrigued). Certainly, you must get his name on your dance card at the Next Forum Night Out before the other ladies nab him.

It is I who have spoiled the forum for everyone - with my idle chit chat/gossip on random - general issues, straying regularly off the topic. Yes, I have been flirting too - shame on me. I have a young family and smashing husband to consider. Could we not have a thread simply entitled - General issues/gossip - specifically for those (like myself) with the attention span of a goldfish?

Dear Mr Mikewbate, Don't worry about not being gorgeous, are you rich?

Dear Bob, They are not using male strippers? Please say not......

Dear Bob S, And Peckham dear heart?

Dear Bob S, Holby is a tad downmarket for me. James is a complete addict though. Perhaps he will take an annual leave day. How should he dress? Should he cover himself in blood and wear a hoody?

Dear Mr Batdog, Come on dear heart, Jeremy is clearly (Spymums husband) referring to the shop on Lordship Lane near Costa that sells silky pants....

Dear Mr Bob S, Promise me now, NEVER GO TO BRIXTON - darling man? I would be beside myself with terror. Actually, be careful in Peckham too. Apparently they shoot you in your bed over there. I'd wager they even use long life milk. It really is best to stay 'safe' man.

Dear Miss Cosmopolitan, I believe Mr Batdog is just a darling, although I would imagine he is in his very early forties. He leads me to believe he is single (and I would be crushed - I must admit, if he became affectionate with another girl). In my minds eye, he is six foot six, with a perfect physique and a small dog. Mr Crystalclear is single, and is a throbing testosterone filled young whipper snapper (I believe under thirty) who has a sharp sense of humour, and is really quite artistic - although he is unsure as yet as to whether he is free to love another (he is recently single). He has the best taste though. Mr Mockney Piers is spoken for, but is empathic and sensitive, and is dashing with terrific manners and gentlemanly ways. I love him like a brother (step). Huguenot is a passionate man, who can get rather fiery but I believe spoken for too! Mr Beatnic too is spoken for and extremely dashing. Bob S - well obviously an attractive intellectual sensitive man, but is he single - and will he be there? My husband has a lovely friend who is single and under forty - a veritable 'captain of industry', but I have come unstuck trying to matchmake for him in the past. He travels endlessly, and enjoys the finer things in life. If I knew your exact requirements, I could take a look in the shoe box under my bed, I once kept extensive records of eligable single men...

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Dear Mr Ibo, You said: 4 wheel drives are for the country and Chelsea . In ED that is covered with hal an inch of snow they are a useless bit of luxury for people who like to show off. I know, isn't it great! Hurrah! I love my new Q7. Be honast - you do too!

Dear Mr Bob S, What exactly are they intending to filmi there? Shall I bring my handbag? Will Mr Nesbit be there? If so, I shall take an annual leave day, and have a spray tan.........

Dear Mr Muttley, I must admit that I am not a keen supporter of any political party, however, I have had cause to contact Mrs Jowell in the not to distant past, and I can only aplaud her hard work, and almost instant remedy to the situation I raised with her. I think she is good at her job, and very hard working.

Dear Mr Batdog, You are awful - but I like you! ;-)

Dear Mr Batdog, I want no more talk of jiggery pokery! I am a married lady, and you are a single, devilishly handsome, bi-lingual dog with a taste for foreign travel.

Dear Ms BonnieParker, Fr O'Connor at St Thomas Moore Church runs the whole show with regard to admission to Catholic School around here. He expects one parent at least to be at mass three Sundays out of four, for at least two years before the date you apply for a school place at St Anthonys (an outstanding local school). Fr O'Connor is a sweet man, but insists the child has been Christened Catholic (there is no salvation in other churches as far as he is concerned) and he makes our current pope look like a bit of a softie.

Dear Spadetownboy, Jades mother probably chewed it off herself because she was bored!

My dear Mr Batdog, I thought you were a single dog? How ever would you know about 'married love'?

Dear Nutty, Does your sports vehicle have a soft top? My husband James had a super car with a cloth roof, and my lovely cat found the roof rather cosy. He has a long coat (the cat) and would always leave fluffy white circles on the roof - which looked quite sweet. When he was sleeping on the roof, he looked like a cute little Russian hat. Then Krug started skagging the roof with his claws, when he was having a jolly good stretch after his naps, the darling. OHMYGOD... the damage he did! How I wish we had a little rat terrier type dog to keep the cat off the car. Top Tip: NEVER LET YOUR CAT SLEEP ON THE ROOF OF YOUR SOFT TOP CAR. I thought it was relevant.

Darling Keef, I wanted to hi-light the dangers of Brixton to you especially, and as an individual. I just could not find the words.... NEVER go to Brixton Keef. It is best avoided. Even the small mammals of Brixton are drug addicts!

Mr Batdog, My word. I never expected that to be true. What is the world coming to? I thank the Lord that we are a bus ride from Brixton. Even the bloomin squirrels are crack addicts! Promise me Mr Hugenot, Mr Crystalclear, Mr Batdog, Mr Mockeny Piers and Mr Bob s, Ms Babyshambles and Ms Beth, you will never go to visit Brixton. I would worry so, dear friends.

Dear Batdog, I shall take you with me dear heart, in order that you fit perfectly, ears and everything. I would imagine that we could comision something special, just for you - a 'one off'?

Dear Batdog, Sweetie, I think I shall buy a new bag with a big cushion, just for you!