AnyaJoeli

Being tormented is a good way of putting it. I hate the feeling of envy and despair when news of another fab home birth arrives. Wish I could feel total joy and happiness for someone else's good experience but at the moment I seem to twist everything round to my own experience. I teach pregnancy Pilates and am all about calm empowering breathing and strength - it's an interesting position now to be in m class with a growing bump and possibly admitting to my first time mums that I might be elcs-ing, and not want to suggest to them that birth can be traumatic, ha ha (I don't discuss my birth experience with my preggy ladies! Would be horribly unfair of me) Belle in terms of diastasis there is loads you can do, I can pm you f you like? For me it actually (luckily) wasn't a diastasis issue as Maurice was only 5lb 12 so my bump was tiny and abdominals probably didn't separate that much, it was more the "overhang" issue, I remember foolishly looking in the mirror once we got home and trying to draw in my tummy and nothing happening at all, the total lack of lower abdominal integrity really shocked me, having to rebuild the muscles and heal...really shocked by quite how weak I was for months and months and couldn't go back to teaching for weeks after I'd planned to (self employed maternity leave isn't very lucrative!). Having that that - I should stick up for the power of Pilates and say that if I had been dedicated in strengthening myself if may not have been such a long recovery, but my little one wasn't a newborn who slept all the time, he slept about a third of the time newborns are supposed to - little snippets of sleep for 15 minutes here and there when he wasn't crying, and I was simply exhausted and weary for the first year of his life so didn't prioritise my own recovery. Not all c-section mums have that so badly so again possibly with an elective it wouldn't be so bad. And hopefully I'll have a baby who isn't quite so fretful this time round. Hmmm. With my extra incision (just a further cut into my uterus basically) I also have slightly greater chance of scar rupture (another reason I can't be induced this time). I feel like with attempting natural birth I would be fighting against statistics a bit. Whereas with an elective at least I'd know the territory somewhat. Anyway. I'm just wibbling on now. It's good to know I'm not alone though, thanks again!

Thanks everyone for your messages I've meant to post several times and left it unfinished! Yes I think my main fear is that instead of the rebirth by vbac experience even if I have a "natural" birth it might end up being as traumatic, and maybe I'm just not meant to be one of those earth mothers who birth in water swiftly with no complications. The hospital stay with the c-section is one of my concerns, as we were in for 5 days first time round (plus the 3 days and nights of no sleep before I had him), and that was just awful with no sleep and ...just really stressful and awful. But I have friends who've had electives and only been in for one night afterwards so I hope that would be my experience. I have a double layer of fretting about the recovery as I'm a Pilates teacher and so my career is in my abdominals, so to opt for major abdominal surgery seems slightly bonkers...because of complications with the surgery (an "extra incision" which is apparently not totally uncommon) I really really struggled with my recovery last time, it took months for me to feel strong enough to do any kind of light exercise and I suffered with scar pain for well over a year, and it was a big mountain to climb to get even close to pre-baby abdominal strength, in fact I don't think I finally managed it really. That for me would be the major bonus of a natural birth (not to sound unromantic), not having to start absolutely from scratch finding my strength and being able to practise and teach Pilates again. But there are unknowns with both sides. My general lack of fath in my body (failing to give birth, three miscarriages) unfortunately might mean my mindset leads to a self-fulfilling prophesy against the "lovely" ideal natural birth. I so spoke to someone yesterday who's had two natural births, one at home, and she was evangelising about what an amazing experience they both are. All I have inside is fear and worry and angst, and when I hear stories like that a deep pervading feeling of envy and of it not applying to me. Think it's my mental state that possibly needs addressing most!! Alieh it was a really interesting point about if no one knew my birth story what would I do. Because there are no guarantees with any birth, I think I need to go for the option that makes me feel most safe in terms of baby health and my being able to cope. Argh. Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and stories. I've been reading "the caesarean experience" which I would really recommend for anyone who's been through a traumatic emcs, it expresses lots of the things I've been feeling.

Hello there Plucking up the courage to ask forum thoughts on a very personal birth matter, I've been looking through old threads which has already been useful. I'm pregnant with my second?5th pregnancy but 2nd "ongoing", and had a bit of a traumatic time with my first, sounds quite common when reading these posts - not sure if that's reassuring or depressing - induction followed by three nights of no sleep and various horrors ending in a category 1 emcs. One of those where you have to see the only plus as the baby being alive and ok (after being resuscitated). I think for a long time I tucked away the trauma of what happened, although it was heaped on by a very colicky and distressed newborn who didn't stop crying for 4 months so I think I really did suffer from post traumatic stress disorder with the whole birth and newborn experience and am shuddering a bit about embarking on it again. I went on to have a couple of miscarriages, one of which was at 11 weeks but I didn't have an erpc, it was the day before Christmas, just wanted to go home rather than stay in hospital, and was advised about the risks of erpc by the kindly doctor who probably thought i should just be at home for christmas, but it was clearly an unwise decision as I ended up haemorrhaging whilst on holiday in Sri Lanka and ended up in hospital there which was a bit grim?which no doubt added to my general trauma about all things birth related, as I did really think I might die, and the only other time I've felt that in my life was when I had my son. So now I'm faced with the vbac choice. I'm with the Lanes for this birth, which is more reassuring than the midwife care I had first time round. In my family and friends circle everyone seems to have trauma-free home births which seem, while of course painful and intense, idyllicly wonderful compared to what I've been through, and their recoveries and newborn experiences seem to be without exception 100% better than mine (possibly my mindset is colouring this too). I will have to have a medicalised birth for various reasons from first time round, so an "idyllic home birth" wouldn't be possible for me even if my anxiety levels would allow it. And if that "ideal" birth isn't available to me, my fear of a medicalised birth ending in emcs may simply be too great to tackle a vbac. I think I probably know what I really want to do deep down?I think my mental health could probably benefit from the "control" of an elcs. Is this a misplaced thought? I'm trying to read up about both sides but it's just making me a bit foggy about it all.At the moment I've agreed with the consultant that I'll go to 40 weeks and then have an elcs if I haven't gone into labour naturally, as there's no way in hell I'm going to be induced again, and I had placental problems that weren't picked up with my first which meant going overdue by 2 weeks nearly cost us his life. But when my midwife suggested having sweeps from 38 weeks my gut reaction was NOOOOOOOOOO so it made me think perhaps I should fess up to wanting an elcs now rather than dithering about it. And then I think, but maybe I could have a trauma free natural birth and recovery would be an emancipation from all the past traumas?.??? I would really love to hear positive stories of elcs, and of vbac? just to confuse me more?!

I can't do 6th, although will be going to preg yoga that morning. Am around on 5th with crazy toddler though...? Otherwise will come to the next meet up!

Yeah I really thought that would work with him, and purchased industrial amounts of chocolate buttons. It must have taken an iron will for him not to be swayed by chocolate buttons/thomas toys/various other bribes. The force is strong with this one...

Oh god me too. Slightly terrified. Would love to meet for coffees, civilised without toddlers or mayhem with toddlers x

Yeah, that's not random at all, I had wondered too as there has been a lot of talk of being a big boy and he's very adamant that he's still little. Today he said to me "I'll use the potty next time when I'm ready"...so I think he's very aware of what he's doing and I just need to be careful it doesn't turn into a "thing", especially not connected to speeding up his growing up where baby is concerned...

Hmm, he's been weeing in the bath ritually practically his whole life. And minder, he has used the potty, and we have a loo seat too. The point is more that he's resistant to it. His two playmates at his childminder are younger than him and already potty trained, he's more than aware of this he just doesn't want to himself. He says "I'm still little" and seems sad about the idea of being a "big boy" and out of nappies. So it's an emotional resistance rather than any lack of knowledge or understanding of what potties are for. I think it'll be a long journey...I had been worried about what the nursery had said but now I'm just thinking I should relax about it a bit and wait until he seems more emotionally happy with the concept. I'm expecting number 2 in January so had wanted potty training to be resolved by then as that's bound to throw up even more fun issues. But I guess parenting is if nothing else a lesson in the fact that you can't always plan things. So, thanks for your advice everyone!

Thanks everyone! Must have crossed posts. Useful to have other peoples opinions and advice!

Thanks peachpie really helpful I'll take a look at the website. Maybe it's just not the right time and I should leave it for a month or two. It's just he's the only one of his friends who's still in nappies so i'm feeling quite self conscious about it, stupidly. And yes the nursery can't refuse I guess...it's not a private nursery it's a state one he's starting for his free hours and they gave me the impression it wasn't ideal as most children are out of nappies by the time they start at 3. Again I'm possibly just being self conscious about it...

He understands what the toilet and potty are for, and regardless of whether I might want him to or not has always barged in on me on the loo and usually asks me if I'm doing a poo. He just seems very emotionally attached to nappies. Or doesn't want the inconvenience of stopping playing to go to the toilet/potty. Ugh.

Thanks...yes I've got potty books, have used toilet, or am trying to rather, at regular times. Am using all the regular tips. Just wondered if anyone had experienced anything beyond the norm of refusing to make the change from nappies. He's really distressed about the idea and nothing seems to be working... Am sure at some stage it'll be fine and he won't still be in nappies at 5, but it's hard to imagine right now.

Hello My son is 3 and we're struggling with potty training. Lots of signs point to the fact that he's "not ready", he has never done a poo on the potty although he has wee-ed, and he seems to have no understanding of needing to go to the loo, struggles with taking down and pulling up his pants himself. When we have gone without nappies he just has accidents constantly, and he also sees about 3 times an hour and poos randomly with no pattern, up to 3 poos a day sometimes so it's going to be very hard work to get him to do it on the potty. I know this is possibly fairly normal but he also strongly rejects the idea of going to the potty to the point where he gets very very upset by it ("I'm not a big boy, pants don't make me happy"), so I can't just place him on the potty willingly periodically and hope it has a pavlovian effect of making him understand and associate the potty with going (which is what my friends who have already successfully potty trained are suggesting). I don't want to make it an issue and create problems or force him - although forcing him seems to be the only way to actually get him on there, but also we have 3 weeks until he starts nursery where they aren't happy with taking children still in nappies. He just seems to be so strongly resisting the potty idea that I'm kind of at a loss. Has anyone had a similar experience and can offer any advice or tips? All the usual tips: reward charts, chocolate, presents, etc, don't seem to work with him. He seems to be very very intent on not being potty trained, and this may become a battle of wills, which I don't really want - all of my friends seem to have done it fairly easily, with mishaps obviously but without any fights about it or distress about the idea from the toddler. I have now decided to go cold turkey on the nappies (except at night) so as not to confuse him (we've had an aborted attempt at training and then decided as it was going badly and we were going on holiday to go back to pull ups), so to a certain extent he will have to get used to it, but I'm worrying that we don't actually have enough clothes available for all the accidents he's going to have and the idea of going out and having a normal active day with the way he is about it is causing me stress. Argh. Please help?!

Oh and Zedd, there is a pregnancy yoga class at the Gaia studio on Maxted road on Saturday mornings at 9.30am, new term starts this Saturday. i haven't been yet as she's been on holiday for a while and Ive been going to my regular yoga classes but am planning to go this Saturday if she has space.

Hello I'm due 12th Jan with my second, first is 3, would love to meet up with other mums. I teach Pilates in the evening so generally free during the day most days for meet ups, Maurice is starting nursery mornings in a couple of weeks' time so I'd be without toddler after that for quiet coffee meet ups, or toddler fun play dates in afternoons. Looking forward to meeting up with other mums to be! And yes discussions of juggling logistics of toddler madness with breastfeeding etc would be useful! x

Whoops his name is Grantly Dick-Read not DIck Grantly Read... Anyway, his book is worth reading?!

I have a copy somewhere which you're more than welcome to borrow if i can find it?I may have lent it to someone as I'm not sure off the top of my head where it is. I also have Dick Grantley Read's Childbirth Without Fear, which is worth a look too. Plus loads of other natural birth type books which might be interesting if you fancy?! Also I'd recommend getting "Baby Catcher" which is by another US midwife although I can't remember her name and I lent my copy out, it's less about your birth than documenting her many birth experiences (home and hospital) and I read it when pregnant with my first and found it a lovely (sometimes emotional) read.

Hello everyone My son is going to nell Gwynn nursery from september, mornings. I wondered if there were any other mums or dads who's little one is starting there in September and if we could maybe have a playdate or two, it would be nice to have a few familiar faces when we start. Anya x

I'm not sure if this will be particularly helpful but for your question abut whether you should consider a childminder, just to say that my childminder doesn't do nursery pick ups etc and I don't think that they all do necessarily?it involves a bit of shopping around which you may not have time or headspace for but for example my childminder has a maximum of 3 kids a day and she has them in her home, drives them to parks/stay and plays etc in the morning but then goes home for lunches and naps and the afternoons are based around play and learning in her home setting which is laid out around the children sort of like a nursery, with outside space etc. I think I might be quite lucky as childminders go, as I have heard tell of stories of childminders taking kids out to the supermarket on their own shopping run etc, and would similarly dislike the idea of my son being lugged around to fetch other kids or drop off (although a nanny share wouldn't sidestep this issue). But I don't think necessarily that all childminders have pick ups and drop offs as part of their service but you might have to just ask specifically about this as part of your criteria. My childminder isn't any cheaper than a nursery though so her lovely focused services come at quite a hefty price...

I've got the BabyBay and it was brilliant for my son as I had a c-section and he wasn't a great sleeper so having him close was the best thing ever for keeping sanity for everyone, he was in it happily for 6 months. I've been using it as a desk for the past 2 years and now expecting my second in January so it'll be back in use as a cot again from then. I bought it on ebay 2nd hand but they retain their value so as long as it's in good condition you can resell at pretty much what you bought it for. Definitely one of the best baby purchases I made. I had looked into the Bednest which is very lovely but even more sought after and expensive, it was going for over the new price on ebay which just seemed a bit ridiculous, and was always out of stock new when I was pregnant with my son so BabyBay was my second choice out f necessity and availability but honestly I don't think it would have been a different experience, Bednest maybe looks a bit prettier?? We used a wedge to lift one end of the cot when he was suffering from reflux issues. A friend of mine has hired her Bednest for 6 months from NCT so that might be worth investigating.

I teach Pregnancy Pilates on Tuesday evenings, although the timing clashes with the new pregnancy yoga class time at Yogarise and she's a lovely teacher so I will do myself out of business but I do really recommend her classes, she's great. If you are interested, my Pilates class is at 7.15pm on Tuesday evenings and it's drop in. Focus on strength and release work. Let me know if you need any more info, I'm based in SE15 in "north peckham" i.e. across in the library end of Peckham rather than Bellenden area. [email protected]

I've travelled to Canada twice with my son without my husband and have had to have copies of my son's birth certificate, our marriage certificate (I haven't changed my passport to my married name yet), and a letter of consent from my husband. They are all checked carefully, but I've always wondered how they know it's authentic as I could've written the letter myself rather than my husband...

If she's willing to pay you can get it done privately, she can contact a lactation consultant who would be able to do it there and then. When I had problems with mine I saw Ann Dobson who was wonderful http://www.ann-dobson.co.uk, as it happened mine didn't need to be snipped but if he had done she would have been able to do it. Other friends and my sister have also used her and she's been an absolute blessing. She comes to your house and spends hours with you and babe working out what the problems are and helping you. Also I would really recommend she takes her newborn for cranial osteopathy?it was amazing what the cranial osteo was able to illuminate about how my son's birth had affected him, he was all scrunched up and because he wasn't breathing when he came out it meant that his ribcage was still compressed and there was tension all up his neck and jaw, which in turn affected his ability to suck and swallow, he was carrying a lot of tension and pain which meant that latching on was pretty much impossible. I think everyone, mums and babies, should do cranial osteopathy particularly after a traumatic birth but even after a "normal" one there are so many factors that might affect feeding that the newborn can't articulate to you but that a cranial osteo can detect. I took mine at 6 weeks after 6 weeks of constant painful struggling with breastfeeding and general struggles and really wish I'd taken him before that as 3 sessions really made a difference and seemed to help alleviate whatever was causing him so much distress. I'd recommend the lovely lady at Dulwich Therapy Rooms, or Fabiano Da Silva who's based on Barry road.

I take mine to Dulwich Oaks dentist near east dulwich train station, she's lovely with kids?mine tends to keep his mouth clamped shut when confronted with the dentist and she's very good at trying to prise him open without stress...

Also generally a trip to the pound shop is a good bet: I got a box of pens, drawing pads, sticker books and other picture books there which we still use a year later, and I've just stocked up on drawing pads again for the next 7-hour flight we'll be doing next month.x