*Bob*

Good Cop Bad Cop

That was him.. he was up before the magistrate and received a small fine. He was concerned about having his material stolen by wicked television-scripting joke thieves, or having his material blabbed on the www, thus ruining the joke. It's actually quite an interesting debate (which I hadn't really thought much about much) - if you're interested in comedy. Good piece by David Schneider on the subject here (which I won't plagiarise). Stewart Lee also confiscated someone's mobile phone after it persistently rang during his gig. He threw it half-heartedly on the floor and it happened to smash. When the punter got angry and demanded cash for a new phone, he said "I'm not paying for that - it's broken".

I especially enjoyed the visit from the one who looked me squarely in the eye and helpfully informed me that he'd "just got out of prison".

There's no Santa Claus either, Eric. Sorry to be the bearer of more bad news.

Nah.. more like this..

Mellow Birds is the one to have. Close your eyes as you drink and there she is.. Joanna Lumley sucking on a bit of straw.

Solid-bodied lenticular object weighing a couple of kilos? Discus.

Don't knock it 'till you've tried it, Ted. They won't be back. And I won't be wearing pants next time either.

We had them again last night. I recommend not shaving for a few days, opening the door and a paint-splattered pair of jeans and calling them 'Bruv'.

In my opinion, Smug should be made a one-way street. This would ease petit-bourgeoise traffic congestion and help people get to church on-time etc.

It was all thoroughly mediocre, in that tired-Jongleurs-circuit-filler way. In my opinion, of course. But that's beside the point. I've been to all sorts of comedy venues, from Dodgy old dives with sticky carpets and plastic pint pots through to all-seated affairs in posh theatres with a tub of strawberry Haagen-Daz. At most of them them, to varying degrees, there were 'crowd control' issues (although the Jerry Sadowitz audience were particularly well-behaved, I remember) but they were always dealt with by a combination of the person on stage and the crowd themselves - not by men dressed in black with earpieces and walkie-talkies asking you to leave.

So she'll be reading this then? Which level of stalker is she, from one to five? (Level 1 = mooning at you with sideways glances across a crowded pub) (Level 5 = likelihood of you waking to discover you're gaffer-taped to a chair with a smell of petroleum spirit in the air)

I can appreciate that most comedians would prefer to be able to ply their trade without some tiresome knob (who thinks he ought to be the one on stage) grunting and screeching from seven rows back every two minutes. But on the other hand, comedians (and comedy venues) usually tend to attract the type of audience they (largely) deserve - so shouldn't the person on stage be able (within reason) to handle that audience - assuming they're any good?

woofmarkthedog Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > "I was .. made to sit > there & laugh at his comedy" Must be a new policy. Hardly anyone made me laugh when I was there.

A number of years back a large group of us went to the Backyard, or whatever it's called now. To cut a long story short - because of the 'disinterested' behaviour of a couple of members of the group (not me.. I listened politely like a good boy) the house lights were turned-on and we (the whole group) were expelled en masse. A year or so later, someone I was doing some work for said she'd been chucked-out of Backyard with a group she was with. And then, over the weekend, someone phoned BBC London - again, thrown-out of Backyard. Anyone else had a similar experience?

Narnia - let me see if I can clarify Charlotte's post for you. Her name is Charlotte, she's 22 and she's recently moved to West Norwood to live and work as a nanny. She hasn't met and befriended any work colleagues (ie nannies) around West Norwood yet, so she thought she'd post here. If there's anything else I can help with - let me know. I can also tell the time and do my own shoelaces up.

I suggest you sit down (on creaky wooden chair if you have one) and stare silently a clock for a full hour - preferably one with an audible 'seconds' hand. When your hour is up, try to bear in mind how many of those you probably have left until you kick the bucket, and then try and think of how you might go about filling them. Beware of the all usual pitfalls that may befall you during this vulnerable time (course in Reiki, thinking about opening a Dive Shop in Thailand, Harley Davidsons etc etc).

Definitely an Osbourne Stewart moment.

"That's not a pen, this is a pen.." Who would want .375 bullet pen, when they could have this.. The Alan Shepard Golf Pen! Recreate that famous 'lunar swing' from the comfort of your own bedsit. For only ?40.95

Let me start-off by saying that we already have a really nice pen upstairs, which I mainly use for work. However, it would be nice to have a second, more up-to-date pen for use in, say, the garden - or the kitchen. What does anyone think? Should I go with the Fisher Space Pen (retailing at ?16.30) or simply get a box of fifty black Bic biros for ?7, and hope I never need to write whilst underwater, or in a vacuum?

I've quite enjoyed not having a laptop for the last couple of months, to be honest. It certainly puts the need/want equation into perspective. The conclusion seems to be we need something, just not something that does very much.

Usually I get paid by the minute.

So that's about about twenty minutes so far.. not that I get paid by the hour.

I have explained all this, Ben. BEN.. pay attention. I already have a Mac Pro, powered by eight huge hairy testicles which does everything I need: vomits-out my irritating musical creations plus any other work-related blah, puts the kettle on, sucks me off - the lot. I have nine year-old iBook which is dead. No iPhones or other such nonsense. Other factors include: girlfriend (also home-based), house, stairs, garden. Essentially we require something else to browse the web and send emails on. Whilst sitting in the garden. Whilst sitting in the kitchen. Whilst watching telly. Whilst curling one down. When the Hairy Mac is in use. Everywhere except in the same place as the one I have to spend several hours per day looking at. Consider the iPad in relation to the alternatives. Netbook - slightly cheaper, doesn't work very well. Mac Laptop - twice the price, don't need the features iPhone-type thing - pocket-sapping contract, fiddly to use, can't share it with TheMissus PC laptop - same price, doesn't work as well, don't need the features What would you do?

Actually I do take an occasional train.. and did indeed get on the morning train to London Bridge a couple of days ago. It was full of freaks emailing on their iPhones and Blackberries, because there were clearly important emails which needed urgent attention in-between the emails they sent at home on their laptops before they set-off and the emails they'd be sending as soon as they arrived at work.