*Bob*

Certainly not, Mockney. I'm not a fan myself, but I look forward to seeing Honaloochie's 'vinegar face' when the moment presents itself.

That sounds like my kind-of food, Honaloo. Come over sometime - I'll put on a super spread. Princes tinned ham (I'll scrape the jelly off) and a can of mashed salmon - with a bit of vinegar in it.

Driving instructors?

Airhead American expressions. I'm, uh, just like.. so over them.

Which one gets the cake, and which one gets the facial? I suppose I'd have to see them first.

A facial and a cake.. blow away the cobwebs.. somebody stop me..

Estate Agents?

That wouldn't even qualify as incest though, Lizzy - so I'd already be relegated to the b-list. And Honaloochie.. I don't remember seeing my Aunts crack but I'll be sure to have a look next time I'm up there for Christmas.

The 'dream ticket' on Kyle would be a show involving a lie detector test, a DNA test, myself, my brother, a child and our Aunt (who's nearly 65). Beat that, Trisha.

I'd be up for going on it, but I need to get my brother's wife pregnant first. Or my Aunt, maybe.

I salute the anality of the parking attendants. If we had a bit more anality in other areas, perhaps trains would leave on time, tradesmen would arrive at an agreed time etc Q. What is the difference between anality and efficiency? A. When it suits

The fact is that (for some reason) half the population seem to treat parking regs as rules which are bendable, or that there is an unspoken 10%+/- allowance for error, that it's a game all about not getting caught and what you can get away with. I was only five minutes late. My wheel was only just over the line. I only got out for a minute to post a letter. The dog ate my homework, sir. I can accept that some people have fallen foul of rogue attendants (hello ????) and so have a justifiably coloured view of them, but (along with whoever it was earlier in this massive whinge-fest of a thread) I would like to speak-out on behalf of all the other numerous people who, incredibly, find it possible to drive in London every day for ten years and never get a ticket - unless it's deserved. Sheer good fortune, or following the rules..?? Hmmmmm

Why is it unfair? If the car owners had turned-up before 4 and shifted their cars they wouldn't have got ticketed - even if the warden and taken taken their details down at 2pm and hid in a bush for two hours waiting for the clock to turn 4. Hardly rocket science, is it? Parking attendants are not responsible for the enthusiasm and efficiency of the the council in other areas. Their job is, in fact, to put tickets on cars which infringe parking regs.

Two motorbikes nicked in the past - but none since I gave-up on love-to-steal motorbikes in favour of can't-be-bothered heavy old bangers. Scooters must be the most-nicked two-wheelers in London, I suppose.

Moos, Haven't you heard about the new EU legislation? Cock sizing has to be metric these days - otherwise you risk a fine.

How true, Steve. I think things started to go downhill when it became less acceptable to beat your wife if they had the gall to ask for more than their agreed 'pin money'. They should never have been given the right to vote. Give 'em and inch..

That's the magic of an online persona though, shoshntosh In person I'm an all-round good egg. On the forum, however, I'm a complete arse.

All I can add to the general finger-pointery is that prior to ever having used a VISA to buy petrol at a petrol station in East Dulwich, I'd never suffered any card fraud (that's nearly a fifteen year stretch) And since never using a VISA again at a petrol station in East Dulwich, this hasn't happened since. I 'lost' nearly ?2000, spent on computer stuff in Malaysia or somewhere.. picked-up like a shot by First Direct and dealt with in days.. no need to reclaim or contest or any or that shite.

I heard that every single penny that fine is paid directly to an asylum seeking layabout, who immediately spends it on fast cars, hotels, fine wine and trips to a casino. I FOR ONE believe that this country is going down the pan.

Here we go again

Until you've had to live in a properly piss-poor conversion (not just your average run-of-mill piss-poor one), there are simply no words to describe how cack it can be. You won't understand unless you've had the pleasure of one - you just WON'T. I have.. sounds like Mokkers has too. Moving was the only solution for me.. the quality of my life improved by about 10000% overnight. btw.. Is it possible to have your children taken into care for a short period? Like a weekend? I only ask because Mrs *Bob* and I would really like to go out clubbing over the Bank Holiday, but we'd a few days at it to make it worthwhile.

What does 'doing his garden' entail, Keef? And how much does your guy get for it?

Ringo hasn't agreed yet, PGC. But - assuming the money can be found - I suppose I could offer him a backhander.

I could be worse, folks. I started-out the day with high hopes, but by the end of it, reading back, I've more or less agreed to have anal sex with Ringo Starr for cash.

You don't have to make him come (first). Can't say fairer than that.